Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy.
Need help confronting her, not sure what to do next.
Background:
* She begin flirting with the guy two years ago kind of became flirty friends both in person and via text. The further they got sexually was exchanging a couple of nude pics via text.
* They never hooked up because my fiancé wanted it to date him, but he indicated to her that he was playing the field at the time and does not want to settle down. They continued to flirt via text for the past two years.
* After my fiancé and I got engaged a year ago, she soon moved to my town. She has since been back to her hometown 5 times.
* The last two times she has been back to her hometown she herself made an effort to reach out to him and to try to meet up either late at night while drinking or to just hang out with him one on one during the day.
* The second to last time she went, they texted back and forth over 100 times with her initiating most of the texts. Late night, during the day, etc.
* The last time she went to her hometown, it was for her bachelorette party. She again initiated texts with him, invited him to hang out with her, and called him late at night to meet up while on the way back to the hotel with her girlfriends. He did not respond because he was in bed with his now serious girlfriend but texted her and said he’ll get up put some clothes on and meet her for a drink. She declined because she felt awkward leaving her hotel room which she was sharing with the girls. The next morning all the girls went to brunch and he stopped in for 5 minutes to say hello because he was going to brunch with his friends anyways. After lunch, she went straight to the airport. So nothing happened at her bachelorette party.
* **I know all this because I read her texts and looked through her calls. All the texts are very flirty in nature and are “pre-hook” up texts.** She also does not delete any of the texts so that it seems innocent conversation (which it is not anyway) because I can tell from the phone bill records that the texts match what is left on her phone. I also verified all her whereabouts randomly with her friends and through other text messages she wrote at the time and our conversations/phone calls.
* She is clearly the one initiating everything and is looking to meet up with him and you do not have to be a genius to tell that she was looking for a hook up while reading her texts. She is perfectly aware that he has a serious girlfriend.
**How do I confront her and what should I do next? I do not want her to know that I looked through her phone or that I have the ability to see call records --- she is oblivious to the fact that I would even consider doing any “spying” on her because we have a very trusting relationship.** Our wedding is in 9 nights. **Any thoughts or comments are appreciated.**
My best friend recommends talking to my fiance and telling her that the girlfriend of the guy found the texts in his phone and called me about it.
Re: Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy.
The only talk you need to have with her is about how you're not getting married. She doesn't respect you, obviously and if you think she's going to change once married, forget it. It's time to move on.
I'm with the others. Cancel the wedding today. It's not going to get any better/easier as the wedding gets closer, and it's much messier AFTER the wedding.
If she asks why you want to cancel, just say the guy's name. If she insists it was nothing, ask for her cellphone right there. You don't have to reveal any sources of your information.
If she does ask how you know, just tell her that's none of her business. Follow the cheaters script, and never reveal anything she doesn't already know. You don't have to justify ANYTHING to her. You don't have to explain anything to her family, as they will no longer be part of your life. To your family and friends, simply say you caught her trying to hook up with another guy, even up until her stagette party, and you couldn't marry someone you couldn't trust.
Re: Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy.
Cancel the wedding and tell her to go be with OM. If you marry her you will be back on this forum -- except you will be posting in Coping With Infidelty --
Re: Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy.
Put the wedding on hold. Confront. You've got nothing to lose here. Just tell her you know and let her figure out 'how' you know. For all she knows, the dude called you. She obviously has a thing for this guy. It will be a burr for you should you go forward marrying her. It's already having you question whether to go forward or not. Do you really want the rest of your life to be lived in anxiety of 'when will she cheat' knowing she's willing to do so and lacks that morality where 'this is wrong'.
So, she's got some deep soul searching to do. Why would she do this? Until you are confident she knows, and has resolved this with herself and can truly commit to the marriage and you... Why bother with this woman and marriage to her? Just step back away from that marriage contract and serious step.
Hell, the tougher one is probably going to be informing her father (whom I'm assuming has already dished out a ton of 'non-refundable' deposits)... So, inform him too.
Re: Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy.
Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think you should just inform everyone the marriage is on hold. This is why you take vows in front of a crowd of family and friends. They are supposed to be there to support the marriage and you guys in troubled times. This is a troubled time; They should know the score regardless of her embarrassment. This way, all of them can watch out and won't be so easily gaslighted in the future should you go forward... They will help protect and support the marriage and help her stay away from those slipery slopes.
Re: Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy.
A lot of people on here are older, wiser and have been married a long time.
If this is WHAT happens BEFORE the wedding, what do you think is going to happen AFTER?
I would never marry someone that I found out is sexting another person the week before our wedding.
I've done some stupid things in my life, but thank goodness this wasn't one of them.
Confront her, don't believe any of the lies and delay the wedding until you can fully trust her. You will continue to spy and question everything she does, everywhere she goes, etc., because your trust is gone - believe me, been there, done that. The only one that will suffer is YOU.
Re: Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy.
I agree with everyone with one modification. I don't think the faithfulness problems are anyone's business, and should not be discussed with any family members, yours or hers. In all likelihood, you should call it a day on this woman, but if there is a chance of reassessment at some future date, you don't want to burn your bridges. More importantly, it's no one's business why you did not go through with it.
You simply say that marriage is a permanent commitment and ultimately I didn't think we were ready, at least I wasn't. If she disputes that with you, you can say, I understand you were resigned to marrying your backup, but that is not a basis for a marriage, at least for me.
Re: Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy.
if you marry this gal, you're just setting yourself for some massive hurt somewhere down the road. right now you got it easy---throw mixed fiances and a house,couple kids(if they are yours) into the mix, now you got a disaster...
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Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy. 
Re: Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy. 
