He never compliments me
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default He never compliments me

A few questions for the men.

Do you compliment your SO/wife? Do you do it often? Do you do it because you mean it or only because it's what you know she wants to hear?

For those who don't compliment their SOs/wives, why don't you? Resentment? You don't think it's genuine? Or you just have a hard time expressing yourselves?

My SO never compliments me. He used to all the time in the beginning of the relationship. Now, he only does it when he's done something to upset me. Then it's suddenly "I love you. I'm sorry. You're so beautiful and smart. I'm a lucky man and you didn't deserve that". This has only happened a couple of times as we generally don't argue/fight. He is wonderful to me most of the time. We have been together 2 years and have been talking about getting engaged soon and married next year. I can't remember the last time he complimented me out of the blue. Over a year at least.

I just don't understand it. He thinks I'm being silly. But I feel like I could take 3 hours to get all dolled up for him, and I get the same reaction as if I'd worn a potato sack. "You're ready to go? Cool." Other men give me attention all the time. Even in front of him. Hell, even other women do. But I don't want their attention, I want his.

Sometimes I wonder if he just doesn't say it because he doesn't feel it. But I haven't changed my appearance since we've been together. I take good care of myself. I dress nicely, fix my hair, am in good shape, etc. I wonder if he was only saying that in the beginning to get me to like him. Sometimes it feels like a bait and switch. He was gushing over me at first. Kept telling me how beautiful and sexy he thought I was. Now, nothing.

When I asked him recently, he said he thinks I'm very beautiful and he's very attracted to me. But hasn't really explained why he never says it more often or has made any effort to try. He thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

For the record, it's not just my looks. It's my cooking too. I know I'm a good cook, people love my food. I love cooking for him. Most of the time though he won't say anything or just say "Thanks, that was good." For every day meals I don't mind, but when I'm in the kitchen for hours preparing something more elaborate, it would be nice to hear something more than that. Sometimes I have to ask him if he liked it to get any kind of response.

I really want to hear some raw honesty from you men. Is he just bad at expressing himself or does he just not say anything he doesn't mean?
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: He never compliments me

You two might benefit from marriage education course since your SO is clearly missing a very important point in relationship dynamics. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose that his dad didn't compliment his mom so he never learned
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: He never compliments me

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You two might benefit from marriage education course since your SO is clearly missing a very important point in relationship dynamics. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose that his dad didn't compliment his mom so he never learned
You may be on to something. He never knew his father. In fact, he recently opened up to me that he had never had a good male role model and always looked for one throughout his life.
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: He never compliments me

Yes. Most men and women need marriage education. I know I did/still learning. Most likely, you've hurt his feeling deeply and he's being passive aggressive. He needs to grow up and let those slide or confront you on how you are hurting his feelings. I didn't do those, so I was passive aggressive too. So he needs to work on this, like I had to/am working on this.

You also need to learn to know what your man wants. I mean emotionally, and stop hurting his feelings. Only one way to find out, confront him.
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: He never compliments me

My husband did exactly the same thing, was full of compliments during our "courting" stage, never missed an opportunity to same something nice to me.
Fast forward to being married & then I get nothing from him.
I asked him why he stopped with the compliments, his answer?
"Because I've already 'got you', I don't need to keep up the compliments."
That was when I let him know that the secret wasn't getting the girl, the secret was keeping the girl & if he wanted to keep me, then the courting couldn't stop.
As I told him this I could see the light bulb going on, it was actually kind of funny to watch.
Since then we both do our best to continue to "date" one another & avoid taking the other for granted.
We both compliment each other, do things that we know the other likes, from picking up ice cream or beer, to letting the other have some "me" time when they need to recharge their batteries, to evening back rubs.
We make each other our prioritiy, his needs are my needs & vice versa because we are equal partners in our marriage.
I like to think of it as a balancing act, that us being able to have our needs met is vital to the health of our relationship.

Last edited by Phenix70; 07-12-2012 at 04:26 PM.
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: He never compliments me

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Yes. Most men and women need marriage education. I know I did. Most likely, you've hurt his feeling deeply and he's being passive aggressive. He needs to grow up and let those slide or confront you on how you are hurting his feelings. I didn't do those, so I was passive aggressive too. So he needs to work on this, like I had to/am working on this.

You also need to learn to know what your man wants. I mean emotionally, and stop hurting his feelings. Only one way to find out, confront him.
I've never done anything to hurt his feelings though. More like the other way around and he knows it. He acknowledges that I didn't deserve those actions from him (and thankfully they are few and far between).

I don't say hurtful words, I don't yell at him, I don't nag him, I don't flirt with other men or have any opposite sex friends, we both have high drives and are open in bed, I love taking care of him and he knows it. Which is why I'm just confused.

I've asked him if he resents me for anything, and the answer is always no and that he loves me. He shows it through actions all the time, just never words. So I wonder if I am being silly or not.

I think it's better to be with someone who shows you they love you but never compliments you, than be with someone who compliments you but doesn't show they love you. I still can't help but get frustrated sometimes.
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
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OK look. It looks like you can't take opinions. I'm not saying its YOUR fault. I'm saying it's BOTH of your fault. Only way to fix this is to learn about yourself then confront each other and learn about your spouse. Each other should be top priority. Print a list of what are important in your life. Then write down how many hours you spend improving/spending on that priority. Then rearrange hours if it doesn't match the list.

And it looks like this is bothering you, so let him have it. Tell him straight up it's bothering you. Then if he doesn't listen then move out of the house. Not to divorce, but to save your marriage. Maybe a week to month. Depends on how dull your H. If it was me, you'd need 2 month. I'm pretty slow when it comes to women' feelings. He needs to see you are serious.

I only suggest this because it seems important to you. But be prepared that he may never turn around. What will you do?
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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OK look. It looks like you can't take opinions. I'm not saying its YOUR fault. I'm saying it's BOTH of your fault. Only way to fix this is to learn about yourself then confront each other and learn about your spouse. Each other should be top priority. Print a list of what are important in your life. Then write down how many hours you spend improving/spending on that priority. Then rearrange hours if it doesn't match the list.

And it looks like this is bothering you, so let him have it. Tell him straight up it's bothering you. Then if he doesn't listen then move out of the house. Not to divorce, but to save your marriage. Maybe a week to month. Depends on how dull your H. If it was me, you'd need 2 month. I'm pretty slow when it comes to women' feelings. He needs to see you are serious.

I only suggest this because it seems important to you. But be prepared that he may never turn around. What will you do?
I'm very open to opinions, just not false assumptions.

As for the rest, that's game playing to me. I'd never threaten to leave to make him do what I want. That's manipulation. Believe me, if I tried something like that he'd tell me not to come back. I am simply trying to understand him. Also if you read the OP, you'd see we aren't married yet.
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: He never compliments me

Read the book Love Languages and get him to read it too--or you could read aloud to him, a bit at a time.

You have a need to hear what the author calls, "Words of Affirmation," while HE likes "acts of service." he's "complimenting" you in his language, and you may be complimenting/showing your love for him in YOUR language. Each of you feels you are already showing love, but you are showing in the way you want to receive it, perhaps, not in the way your partner likes to hear/see it.

This is a pretty important point in your marriage, b/c both of you need to recognize that the marriage needs nurturing and that an expression of needs by one of you is NOT a criticism of the other!

Good luck and sorry to barge in!
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: He never compliments me

La Rose, understand that there will be things that BOTH of you do that are constantly affecting the other. Good and bad. It's common to take SOs for granted over time. It's common to be on your best behavior when you're pursuing and flirting. But it's also common to not know how to maintain a good relationship. For example, you are hurt and you try to tell him; he reacts and doesn't enjoy the criticicism (though YOU see it as trying to improve the relationship), and so he deflects back on you and says you're making too big a deal.

Get this book, it will teach you BOTH how to maintain a healthy relationship. Read it TO him if he won't read it WITH you. His Needs Her Needs, by Harley.

Also 5 Love Languages, because you two are speaking in separate languages.
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:48 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I don't think it's manipulation. I think it's standing your ground and not being treated as such. I assumed you guys were married, my apologies for jumping to conclusion. I'm married so can only comment regarding wife situation. If it was me, I wish my wife would've took such strong stance. It's not manipulation to me, it's letting me know how TRULY she feels. Sometimes, actually most of times, her words sound just nagging to me. I'm improving as you can see

Anyway, it's my 2cents. It could be 100% wrong, but that's how I wish my wife behaved.
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Read the book Love Languages and get him to read it too--or you could read aloud to him, a bit at a time.

You have a need to hear what the author calls, "Words of Affirmation," while HE likes "acts of service." he's "complimenting" you in his language, and you may be complimenting/showing your love for him in YOUR language. Each of you feels you are already showing love, but you are showing in the way you want to receive it, perhaps, not in the way your partner likes to hear/see it.

This is a pretty important point in your marriage, b/c both of you need to recognize that the marriage needs nurturing and that an expression of needs by one of you is NOT a criticism of the other!

Good luck and sorry to barge in!
Yes, I'm aware he's an acts of service guy. I am as well. I just wish I'd get a little more words of affirmation. He could go without.

I only wanted to know why men don't compliment. If he's resentful, then yes I want to know (but I keep asking and he keeps saying no, and I can't think of anything I've done). If he won't compliment me because he doesn't think it, then I'd also want to know to move on to someone who does. If he just has a hard time expressing himself, but does think it, I could live with that.
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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La Rose, understand that there will be things that BOTH of you do that are constantly affecting the other. Good and bad. It's common to take SOs for granted over time. It's common to be on your best behavior when you're pursuing and flirting. But it's also common to not know how to maintain a good relationship. For example, you are hurt and you try to tell him; he reacts and doesn't enjoy the criticicism (though YOU see it as trying to improve the relationship), and so he deflects back on you and says you're making too big a deal.

Get this book, it will teach you BOTH how to maintain a healthy relationship. Read it TO him if he won't read it WITH you. His Needs Her Needs, by Harley.

Also 5 Love Languages, because you two are speaking in separate languages.
Thanks for your input. Perhaps my approach is wrong, as the only times I've ever brought it up is when I'm upset about something else. Maybe I come off as attacking and he goes into defensive mode.
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:52 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: He never compliments me

A genuine ,heartfelt " thank you..." is a powerful gesture that can take any relationship , whether marriage , friendship or business to a next level.
Most times though,married couples take each other for granted , and just assume the other partner " understands."
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I don't think it's manipulation. I think it's standing your ground and not being treated as such. I assumed you guys were married, my apologies for jumping to conclusion. I'm married so can only comment regarding wife situation. If it was me, I wish my wife would've took such strong stance. It's not manipulation to me, it's letting me know how TRULY she feels. Sometimes, actually most of times, her words sound just nagging to me. I'm improving as you can see

Anyway, it's my 2cents. It could be 100% wrong, but that's how I wish my wife behaved.
I suppose you and I think of "standing your ground" on different terms. Standing my ground to me would be telling him that something is unacceptable and simply leave if he kept doing it. I would not look back.
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