Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
I'm scared to death to file for what I might get ordered to pay her. I'm fine with "fair", child support, alimony (for a time), etc. But I'm worried sick I'm going to end up paying her alimony for the rest of her life, her getting all of the house (which we have $50K equity in), etc. I just have this vision of me living in a cardboard box on the beach after it's all over.
I want so bad to get divorced but the financial fear is paralyzing me. She hasn't worked in 14 years but does have a college degree. I know it's considered a "long term" marriage and all that.
Did you guys go through this fear? Or you ladies if you were the sole breadwinner in your family when you filed?
What can I do to get past this and just file the damn papers? I'm sure I've built this up to be way worse in my mind than it probably will be.
Re: Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
Everyone I know that got to this point chose freedom over money. Nobody wins in a divorce which is why if you don't have to don't.
My best friend, a homemaker, is barely getting by but she says she wouldn't change a thing. He was abusive and he cheated on her. She tried for years to fix it to no avail. Eventually the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving.
I'm NOT an advocate for divorce but sometimes you gotta know when to fold em.
Re: Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
Check the laws in your state. In Texas where I live, spousal support can't be ordered for more than 3 years.
Also, and I realize this may not be possible in a lot of situations, we didn't use lawyers or courts.
When we got married we had literally nothing. We were sleeping on a mattress on the floor and sitting on an inflatable couch. 10 years later when we decided to divorce, we made a list of all our assets and liabilities, split it down the middle and then took turns picking what we wanted that totaled up to half. Took us less than an hour. We downloaded the documents off the internet and filed them at the courthouse ourselves.
Re: Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
If he is in Florida, he's in a literal hellhole for divorce and lifetime alimony that persists even if he is retired or has Alzheimers. I would advice relocation to another state while staying the marriage, and then terminating it once residency has been established.
Re: Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
I made my wife sound a prenup. All I have to do is give her the papers.
But if I hadn't made my wife sign my prenup:
I own a few businesses before the marriage, and I live in a state where assets are divided and given to the owner before the marriage, but assets aqcuired during the marriage are distrubted equally.
So anyway, my wife can't take my businesses. But if she wanted to, and if there wasn't a prenup, she could og after the income for alimony. Sucks that she can't though!
Plus, she could get a fairly nice 401k folder, and if she wanted to take my savings, she could probably get at least 50%, if not more. Not that there is a lot in that savings account, but she could.
Overall, my net worth was around, before I learned about the infidelity, was around 800K. Now, it is has gone down considerably, maybe 600k, but out of it, she will only get maybe 50k at most.
And if that sounds bitter, I had a net worth of maybe 700k before the marriage, she had very little. I would say nothing
I would suggest going with Anbusis's advice. Going to Texas would be a great idea.
Re: Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juicer
I made my wife sound a prenup. All I have to do is give her the papers.
But if I hadn't made my wife sign my prenup:
I own a few businesses before the marriage, and I live in a state where assets are divided and given to the owner before the marriage, but assets aqcuired during the marriage are distrubted equally.
So anyway, my wife can't take my businesses. But if she wanted to, and if there wasn't a prenup, she could og after the income for alimony. Sucks that she can't though!
Plus, she could get a fairly nice 401k folder, and if she wanted to take my savings, she could probably get at least 50%, if not more. Not that there is a lot in that savings account, but she could.
Overall, my net worth was around, before I learned about the infidelity, was around 800K. Now, it is has gone down considerably, maybe 600k, but out of it, she will only get maybe 50k at most.
And if that sounds bitter, I had a net worth of maybe 700k before the marriage, she had very little. I would say nothing
I would suggest going with Anbusis's advice. Going to Texas would be a great idea.
So basically she gets 1/2 of what was acquired during the marriage. That sounds right. Did she make career sacrifices for the sake of your children?
Re: Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
I can answer for my ex b/c we also did our own paperwork--actually, I did it and he just signed. We had nothing at the outset, and not all that much to divide, but it was split 50/50.
Child support will be determined by the laws of your state. In WI, our two incomes were averaged, and then the difference was multiplied by some factor based on the number of kids (25%) or something, and then given to the person with the lower income (me, in this case).
I refused spousal support. Didn't want a dime of his future earnings. I did get 1/3 of his retirement--I had been a stay-at-home mom for several years with our kids, and this was a way to balance out the fact that I had sacrificed earning/retirement potential. We were married over 20 years.
It has been about 3 years now and both or us are living at about the same standard of living as before--which was always modest. I improved my employment options and earn 1/2 as much closer to what he does now, but he won't try to change the settlement because I did not touch his "extra" summer school earnings in writing up our settlement and I didn't take spousal support. He'd be nuts to reopen things now.
Re: Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
I opted not to get alimony, even though my lawyer advised me to get it. We both agreed to me being a stay at home mom and I didn't work or go back to school while married (he said he wouldn't watch the kids if I did).
I didn't go after his 401k or military benefits either, I left everything alone and all that is paid is child support. I learned recently he got a raise, and while I could take him back and demand more CS, I wouldn't do that.
Re: Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
I am a woman who has been the breadwinner most of my working life. I understand your fears. I got a divorce in March of this year and dogged a huge bullet.
I understand the concept of spousal support and believe that there are cases where it is warranted. For example in the case of a women who stayed home for 25 years as an agreement of both spouses. She has no education beyond high school and no job experience. She’s 50 yrs old. It’s going to be hard for her to start a new career, not impossible but hard. Or for a spouse who is disabled.
IMHO, it’s the responsibility of every person to be self-supporting. So in MOST CASES I believe that spousal support should be rehabilitative only.
Your best bet is to go see an attorney and discuss this. There are no set rules. From what I've read for FL at 12-14 years alimony is probable. At 15 years it's almost definite. But there are things you can do to mitigate this.
How old are your children? Are they in school?
If you work paid overtime regularly cut back on your overtime. That way support will not be calculated on overtime.
Tell your wife that she needs to start working because you guys cannot make it on your income alone (does not matter if this is true or not), get her out there working. If she cannot find a job then get her to go back to school for a Master’s in something that she can actually earn an income at. For example being a physician’s assistant.
When she’s back in school have her take out student loans to pay for the school. Student loans are not community debt. She will have to pay those off herself. From my experience never/ever pay out of your own pocket for your spouse’s education. They are most likely to divorce you once they achieve their new level of education… it goes to their head.
With the house, the equity will most likely be split 50/50.
You want to make sure that you start doing as much with your children as she does. This will help you win 50/50 custody and greatly reduce the amount of child support.
If you have a joint account with your wife, start now by reducing the amount of money you put in that account with each paycheck. Have some go to an account in your name only.
Who pays the bills in your home? You or her? If she pays them start getting very involved in your bill paying. Do you know how she is spending money right now?
Re: Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScaredandUnsure
I opted not to get alimony, even though my lawyer advised me to get it. We both agreed to me being a stay at home mom and I didn't work or go back to school while married (he said he wouldn't watch the kids if I did).
I didn't go after his 401k or military benefits either, I left everything alone and all that is paid is child support. I learned recently he got a raise, and while I could take him back and demand more CS, I wouldn't do that.
I don't get this. Why would you not at least get some help while you got back to school to get a degree which will help you earn a good living.
You staying home was a joint decision... meaning he has responsibility for it as well.
Re: Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash.
Scared you are like my friend. All she wants is CS, a few household items and freedom. She opted out of alimony too even though she is entitled to it.
Although the verdict is still out because he's still fighting her on this even though she is being MORE than fair.
My ex and I co-parent really well. I can work all I want and make as much as I want as long as I don't try to get him to pay for child care. He's not concerned about anything as long as the kids are taken care of (which they are).
He's got a lovely house now, both him and his current wife work, so they can afford a more lavish lifestyle than I can right now. I need to look at my budget and start putting money away for a nicer place than I'm at now. Hopefully be out of this place by September, before the school year starts. We shall see lol.
Re: Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially?
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl
I don't get this. Why would you not at least get some help while you got back to school to get a degree which will help you earn a good living.
You staying home was a joint decision... meaning he has responsibility for it as well.
I think it was because I felt so awful about the whole thing. I didn't want to have a nasty divorce, which would effect the kids a lot more. I had a lot of guilt for a long time because in reality, I destroyed my family because I couldn't live with how taken for granted I felt. Plus I have this fear of confrontation which allows me to allow others to bully me into whatever it is they want. I'm working on that now though, I've had enough of it lol.
Basically it boils down to me being too weak to stand up for myself, which has been my problem from the day I started school as a little kid.
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Guys who are divorced. How bad did you get hit financially? 
