I hope I'm allowed to post here...I'm a woman after all...but I am seeking thoughts from men because I want to understand my man a bit better.
My guy posts erotic ads and has erotic chats with other women. I confronted him about it 2 months ago, he denied it and claimed his account was hacked. Without him knowing I have kept tabs and have come to my own conclusions which have left me NOT upset/hurt but more confused than anything.
It seems to me that he is posting these with absolutely no intention of following through. It's like the 2010's version of a peep show or something -- just for stimulation. I know it could be a self confidence thing, or it could be a way of distances himself a bit from us when he feels too deep with us, or it could even be simply a masturbation tool. I don't know the exact reason but I am convinced it has nothing at all to do with wanting to cheat. I'm not going to go into detail and share his secrets but I am certain he has no plans to cheat and in fact he seems to have been posting ads like these for a couple years at least before meeting me.
What I am confused about is why he would not tell me? Especially after I brought it up more than once, giving him a chance to correct his original lie -- telling him that if it is I wouldn't care, etc. We are very open with each other and I have never been judgemental with him. I would like to hear from men who have done something similar.
It is my issue, I know, that I have this burning desire to understand but I just can't shake it. If you can add anything to help me understand more why he would lie when I ask him directly, I would really appreciate it. I accept him for him, I trust that he is not cheating nor wants to, sometimes when I know he does this it does make me question if I am enough for him but then I tell myself that I can't be his everything and even I love reading r-rated dime novels...but I can't just forget about it because I am one of those that needs to understand.
I'm sure also there will be some people that just think what he is doing is wrong, no matter the reasons. I am not one of those people, I don't think it's wrong, I think it is his way of coping with something I don't quite understand, so if you are one of those people, you don't need to waste your breath by replying here.
I have read tons and tons of letters, columns, etc about guys cheating and how they hide it. I know for a fact that some people (men and women) do this kind of behaviour for reasons other than cheating or wanting to leave a partner or trying to replace a partner. I talked at length with a good male friend who did this exact thing with his ex-gf of 5 years. But he is only one person and I really want to hear from other people who have also. I don't believe everyone is inherently bad...just because they are talking sexually does not mean they are wanting/planning to cheat.
Do you feel you are satisfying his sexual needs? That is my first thought, that maybe he isn't having his needs met and he finds this as his way of mentally stimulating his needs. Another thought would be maybe it's some form of fetish. We males are sexual animals and often have some weird and wonderful things that get us going, maybe this is his and he finds it too much to tell you.
I don't think anyone here will be able to tell you exactly what is giving your man the urge to do this. I think you may well have to sit him down, explain that you know he is doing it, that you are not going to freak out, but you just want to understand why because it is effecting you do long as you don't understand why. Posted via Mobile Device
turkish, I know people can't tell me exactly why he is but replies like yours are helpful because it's hard for me to relate and so I want to know how others think to give me some ideas of what may be behind this for him.
I'm pretty sure I'm satisfying him sexually. We are very sexually active and I have introduced quite a bit of kink into the bedroom since this first happened and I realized he had more kink in him than he was letting on.
Some people do get a bit of a thrill of the chase, to have a woman seek them out. A close gf.. her husband was on dating sites for years. He claims he never met anyone, but he got some sort of ego boost from having women try to pick him up. It was more often when he was struggling with work or life.. it was his way of "coping" and getting a shot to his confidence. It made him feel like he was wanted.
Not sure if that was a healthy way to do it, but the point is he must be getting something out of it if he is doing it. Maybe the ego boost?
I'm curious as to why you think he is only posting ads but never following through.
Have you put a keylogger on the computer so that you can see everything he's doing on line?
He is very rarely not with me or at work and his work is in a manufacturing setting so unless he is sneaking off with a coworker (who are all men) I can't see it happening. Logistically speaking it would be very very very difficult, and probably too much effort for him since he knows I am okay with us doing all kinds of stuff (even a 3some if he wants)...with much less effort.
Some people do get a bit of a thrill of the chase, to have a woman seek them out. A close gf.. her husband was on dating sites for years. He claims he never met anyone, but he got some sort of ego boost from having women try to pick him up. It was more often when he was struggling with work or life.. it was his way of "coping" and getting a shot to his confidence. It made him feel like he was wanted.
Not sure if that was a healthy way to do it, but the point is he must be getting something out of it if he is doing it. Maybe the ego boost?
This is exactly the situation I see happening...though I'm open to ideas that it is purely fantasy and not ego / confidence / etc. But from what I have observed since we've been together the ads seem to get posted when things are tough in his life or when we have some kind of disagreement or maybe I get hormonal on my period and get all clingy (lol).
I have also considered that not telling me could be because a) embarrassed or b) it wouldn't be fun any more.
How was your gf and her husband overall? I feel like nothing is missing from our relationship and if I didn't know about this everything would be perfect.
He is very rarely not with me or at work and his work is in a manufacturing setting so unless he is sneaking off with a coworker (who are all men) I can't see it happening. Logistically speaking it would be very very very difficult, and probably too much effort for him since he knows I am okay with us doing all kinds of stuff (even a 3some if he wants)...with much less effort.
Are you aware of all his internet activity? My husband was also rarely not with me except for work, but he managed (see link to my story in my sig). He started out by just surfing porn and escalated from there. It is very possible to have a full blown sexual affair on line.
He is lying to you because he knows he's doing something wrong that you disapprove of.
He continues to lie to you because he lied in the first place and to tel the truth now would be admitting to the original lie.
How do you know he isn't following through with any of these 'meetings'?
I agree with you but I wish he didn't feel he had to. I would be totally okay if he would just tell me.
It would be logistically very difficult for him to follow through. Also I have kept tabs on the messages and nothing seems to indicate a meeting. After a couple messages it's more like them replying "hey, you still want to do this?"
Well, the husband of my gf has some confidence issues, and she feels it is not a healthy way for him to feel like a "man", mainly because in her case it is opening the door to other options. Like sooner or later just chatting won't be enough, and he will progress to meeting someone. He needs to learn to like himself. He's trying. But still lying about being on websites.
Are you aware of all his internet activity? My husband was also rarely not with me except for work, but he managed (see link to my story in my sig). He started out by just surfing porn and escalated from there. It is very possible to have a full blown sexual affair on line.
To be honest I don't care much if he has a sexual affair if it is online. I've even told him I don't care if he sex chats as long as it isn't a replacement for me. But he still won't admit to it...I realize he may not believe I am being sincere and thinks I will get mad anyway.
He could be taking things to another email address that you don't know about, or doing it via cell phone.
I really hope he isn't, but the fact he feels the need to act out sexually when he's upset sounds similar to my husband, and that was a red flag for sexual addiction with him.
I also agree about him escalating sooner or later. It's a very real possibility.
If you have evidence, confront and do not let him rugsweep, then go from there. He is basically cheating on you.
He's hiding it and not going along with you saying it's okay because it crosses HIS personal boundary. He doesn't feel right about it. You have differing views on this being acceptable.
To be honest I don't care much if he has a sexual affair if it is online. I've even told him I don't care if he sex chats as long as it isn't a replacement for me. But he still won't admit to it...I realize he may not believe I am being sincere and thinks I will get mad anyway.
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He has sexual chat with other women 
I would be totally okay if he would just tell me.
