Your wife needs to learn to respect you. Calling you stupid is uncalled for and disrespectful.
The table issue is simply silly. If she wanted it set a certain way, she should set it. I agree with you on this. My husband and I have the same attitude/views on things. Neither of us set a table. We dish up the food, then hand you the fork or spoon. Or bring it on the plate. We are very laid back and informal here. We eat at the table every time as a family. I grew up eating in front of the tv.:/
My husband and I are both patient. He is more patient then I, but his calmness wears off. Even the dogs pick up on his calm energy.
I try to please my husband visa versa, but not by setting a table every night. We both have our faults and we both accept these faults gracefully.
To the ladies I will say this: you seem not to get the issue. I have no problem to admit that I am not the greatest detail oriented person (btw, when we talk about "not setting up the table right" it's all about the placing of the plates a bit too far from the edge of the table! Not putting forks on top of spoons or something). And, I have no issue trying again next time. But this is not a way to speak. "I know you don't care" - well, if you know I don't care guess what, I am not going to care.
My wife constantly judges me because of my intentions. Most time she is just so off. She always seems to guess why I did this and why I did that. Never justyfing - maybe I was tired, maybe whatever. Always it's because I am careless or something like that.
Me, on the other hand, try never to judge her. No dinner? Okay, she had a hard day. Etc.
AFEH:
As always you have great points. If you follow my posts, she does indeed have some anger managements issue. And she is aware of it. Except, at the begninning of our marriage I used to be a nice guy and just apologize whenever she has one of those anger attacks, but not anymore.
I believe that no one can help her with her anger unless she decides to seek help.
THAT is what I would have been pizzed about too.
dont assume what I care about, and don't judge me based on how you think.
Have you ever told her this?
Does she really truly just think she thinks for you, or is it just a habit after a long time of saying those things?
Firstly, the word stupid sets me off. End of conversation. Politely disengage. I'm not good at that though. Things rattle when I put them down. See ya later.
Eventually I was able to just SAY "I'll just ignore the comment about what I care about, since you don't really know and don't think for me. But if this is really about how important to you it is to have the laundry folded a certain way, then I'll explain something. Stupid doesn't motivate me. Neither does having shirts folded in perfect sections. I care about YOU, but I don't care about how the laundry is folded. If you are more concerned about THAT than being respectful to me, then you are free to sleep in the laundry room"
You have to push back on the disrespect - in the moment or very soon thereafter (I like AFEH's approach). If you are conflict avoident it will be exceedingly difficult. She will most likely turn the tables on you, by telling you that you "don't get it," "you are not someone she can trust" etc., etc., all because you can't set a table.
She will continue to lose respect for you if you do not push back. No one should be able to talk to you like that - especially your wife.
The problem you have is that she is immature and has very serious issues. it is difficult to try get someone like that to see the light and understand that her behavior is damaging to the relationship, to you as a person and to her as well.
You have to push back on the disrespect - in the moment or very soon thereafter (I like AFEH's approach). If you are conflict avoident it will be exceedingly difficult. She will most likely turn the tables on you, by telling you that you "don't get it," "you are not someone she can trust" etc., etc., all because you can't set a table.
She will continue to lose respect for you if you do not push back. No one should be able to talk to you like that - especially your wife.
The problem you have is that she is immature and has very serious issues. it is difficult to try get someone like that to see the light and understand that her behavior is damaging to the relationship, to you as a person and to her as well.
I know that. That's why I responded the way I did. I was wondering if that was enough.
Lately, whenever she speaks in a disrespectful way (or sarcastic) I avoid even responding. I am planning to tell her soon "do you realize I don't even respond when you talk that way?"
Okay, so I am learning to control my emotions and not yell back. I need some good advice.
(after setting the table per her request):
"You don't set it right! It bothers me because I know that you don't care."
Me:
"I do care, but this is how I do it. If you don't like it, you can set it up yourself".
"I can't even talk to you! You are so stupid"!
Me:
"Don't know about stupid, but I think you have a thing or two to learn about having normal conversation without yelling or cursing" (very calmly).
Did I do good?
wow I don't care what the issue is. calling your husband stupid just shouldn't fly!
right after she called you stupid I would have put her in her place.... you don't have to scream and yell to do that just say I'm your husband and your calling me names is just not going to fly or pretty soon I won't be your husband... and by the way don't ever ask me to set the table again!
I think it's a good start. I guess the ultimate measure of if it was enough is if she stops being disrespectful.
The tendency for some of us is to not want to incite more conflict - maintain some harmony. Your response seems to have accomplished that and also accomplished pushing back.
I would argue, though, that her comment is so damaging to your self esteem and the relationship that a full on confrontation with her about her behavior is necessary (something along the lines of what AFEH suggested).
I remember your popsicle post from some time ago. Is she getting better? Has there been progress?
I maybe repeating what others have written, but I suggest you buy and read Athol Kay's book Married Man Sex Life Primer. His blog and forum are also excellent sources for info on these types of "fitness testing" or "**** testing."
As usual, I also see the wisdom in what MEM11363 wrote.
I give all of you credit who offer reasonable, psychologically correct advice. 'Cause I know if my spouse looked right at me and said, "You're so stupid!" I'd retort, "You know, you're right, I am. I married you." And out the door I'd go. There are somethings that are simply uncalled for [unless, maybe you were trying to heat the kitchen by putting kerosene on the stove...then she might have a case. ]
To the ladies I will say this: you seem not to get the issue. I have no problem to admit that I am not the greatest detail oriented person (btw, when we talk about "not setting up the table right" it's all about the placing of the plates a bit too far from the edge of the table! Not putting forks on top of spoons or something).
My wife constantly judges me because of my intentions. Most time she is just so off. She always seems to guess why I did this and why I did that. Never justyfing - maybe I was tired, maybe whatever.
Always it's because I am careless or something like that.
Not one woman here said that your wife was in the right with the way she speaks to you.
However you did not give the detail that you gave above…. That she was upset about the plates being too far from the edge of the table.
Nor in your first post do you say that she is always judges your intentions, and that this is what bothered you.
Your response to her did not even mention her judging you but instead her yelling and cursing. Have you told her directly that the judging of you is an issue?
Sometimes the details are important.
Sometimes people have legitimate complaints but do not express themselves well. We do not know if your wife had a legitimate complaint or not. We do know that her way of speaking to you is wrong.
But we have no way of knowing if you are driving her nuts because of some of the things you do or do not do. And now she’s lost her cool over it.
So looking at your own behavior and anything you can change/do might not be all bad. I’m not suggesting walking on egg shells… instead on a reasonable look at oneself.
Not so true, miss. Read again my first post. If someone - anyone - is telling you that "they KNOW you do it this way because you don't care", that's called very much judging by intention. And if, when I also mention that she calls me stupid, it doesn't ring a warning bell by you, you totally missed the point.
The reason why the "ladies" reaction got me angry it's because my wife would react the same way. And yes, even if I do something wrong, how you correct me would do all the difference. It's too sad some people still refuse to accept that.
Not so true, miss. Read again my first post. If someone - anyone - is telling you that "they KNOW you do it this way because you don't care", that's called very much judging by intention. And if, when I also mention that she calls me stupid, it doesn't ring a warning bell by you, you totally missed the point.
The reason why the "ladies" reaction got me angry it's because my wife would react the same way. And yes, even if I do something wrong, how you correct me would do all the difference. It's too sad some people still refuse to accept that.
That's what I said in my previous post. The way she decided to let you know that you were not doing it right way very disrespectful and immature.
Before she criticizes you she better watch out her language!!
__________________ Shaggy: Men of integrity don't have affairs. They don't have affairs not because there aren't other wonderful women out there besides their wives, they don't have affairs because as men of integrity they choose not to.
Not so true, miss. Read again my first post. If someone - anyone - is telling you that "they KNOW you do it this way because you don't care", that's called very much judging by intention. And if, when I also mention that she calls me stupid, it doesn't ring a warning bell by you, you totally missed the point.
The reason why the "ladies" reaction got me angry it's because my wife would react the same way. And yes, even if I do something wrong, how you correct me would do all the difference. It's too sad some people still refuse to accept that.
I also don't recall taking your wife's side. Not all women treat their husbands in such a manner. I have the upmost respect for my husband. I would never in my life belittle anything he says or does. In fact I look up to him and I adore him. Just sayin.....
Okay, so I am learning to control my emotions and not yell back. I need some good advice.
(after setting the table per her request):
"You don't set it right! It bothers me because I know that you don't care."
Me:
"I do care, but this is how I do it. If you don't like it, you can set it up yourself".
"I can't even talk to you! You are so stupid"!
Me:
"Don't know about stupid, but I think you have a thing or two to learn about having normal conversation without yelling or cursing" (very calmly).
Did I do good?
With my wife and I our conversations do start out like that a lot of times and I try really really hard to show restrain, but then after like 15 minutes of it my head finally pops off and it then turns into an all out shouting and cursing match back and forth! And the things we yell at each other would make an entire biker bar blush!
9Likes
]
