Okay, so I am learning to control my emotions and not yell back. I need some good advice.
(after setting the table per her request):
"You don't set it right! It bothers me because I know that you don't care."
Me:
"I do care, but this is how I do it. If you don't like it, you can set it up yourself".
"I can't even talk to you! You are so stupid"!
Me:
"Don't know about stupid, but I think you have a thing or two to learn about having normal conversation without yelling or cursing" (very calmly).
Josh,
Was she looking for a chance to criticize you?
Or has she asked you a few times to set the table a certain way - and you are ignoring her?
Women are sometimes wired to care more about "how the house looks" then men.
If its easy to do her way AND she cares,, why would you choose this as an area to assert your right to be different?
Choose your battles.
Quote:
Originally Posted by joshbjoshb
Okay, so I am learning to control my emotions and not yell back. I need some good advice.
(after setting the table per her request):
"You don't set it right! It bothers me because I know that you don't care."
Me:
"I do care, but this is how I do it. If you don't like it, you can set it up yourself".
"I can't even talk to you! You are so stupid"!
Me:
"Don't know about stupid, but I think you have a thing or two to learn about having normal conversation without yelling or cursing" (very calmly).
Are you asking about a more "manning up" response to have josh, as in how to get her to address you respectfully, or just asking how to have more control in the conversation?
"I do care, but this is how I do it. If you don't like it, you can set it up yourself".
Women generally hate this type of answer. It shows carelessness and indifference.
Instead, you could have answered "If you don't like it, show me how to do it and I'll try to do my best".
Quote:
"I can't even talk to you! You are so stupid"!
This is so disrespectful!
Quote:
"Don't know about stupid, but I think you have a thing or two to learn about having normal conversation without yelling or cursing" (very calmly).
That's a very good answer. It shows maturity and it demands respect.
Nor her reaction, nor yours were any better but the last one shows more personality.
__________________ Shaggy: Men of integrity don't have affairs. They don't have affairs not because there aren't other wonderful women out there besides their wives, they don't have affairs because as men of integrity they choose not to.
Last edited by lovelygirl; 07-18-2012 at 03:02 AM.
A simple "Please do not talk to me like that" will do.
If you know that there are things that she likes done a certain way, why not learn them. It's not hard to learn to set a table properly. I taught my kids. They learned at a young age.
Why not surprise her and learn how to do it. Some people find order in their life important. Setting a table 'right' has to do with this.
You don’t let anyone talk to you like that. I’d have probably picked up my golf clubs and gone down the driving range for an hour or two and then have a pint on the way back home.
I once had the big boss bawl me out while driving into work in the morning. He rang, I picked up the phone and he just started bawling me out. When he finished I just told him I’m putting the phone down and I’ll speak with him when he’s in a reasonable frame of mind.
I didn’t know whether to carry on into work or take the morning off and have a game of golf and then go into work. I went to work and when he came in he came up and said something like “Bob you did exactly the right thing. Do it again if I’m ever that way with you again”.
You have to assert yourself or take yourself away from these bullying behaviours or she’ll just carry on bullying you. You teach people how to treat you. If they don't want to play ball with you, you take your ball away and go play somewhere else. She can't bully you if you're not there. Do it enough times and hopefully she'll get the point.
Okay, so I am learning to control my emotions and not yell back. I need some good advice.
(after setting the table per her request):
"You don't set it right! It bothers me because I know that you don't care."
Me:
"I do care, but this is how I do it. If you don't like it, you can set it up yourself".
"I can't even talk to you! You are so stupid"!
Me:
"Don't know about stupid, but I think you have a thing or two to learn about having normal conversation without yelling or cursing" (very calmly).
Did I do good?
You know, sometimes you need to be able to see around corners with these things. For example your wife could have totally set you up by asking you to do a job so that she can make out you got it wrong and then ball you out. That is, perhaps she wanted to ball you out, bully you and laying the table was her way of doing it. Her way of getting under your skin.
But what she did probably triggered your emotions which makes seeing around corners impossible. It’s why I recommend Awareness by Anthony de Mello. It’s your ego’s responses to your emotions that were triggered by your wife that you need to control. Your ego is exceptionally conscious, aware but you need a new type of awareness, observer consciousness, to be able to see around corners.
But no matter what, your wife is a bully, she really is an aggressive, bullying woman and you need to know how to deal with bullies. If you don’t deal with it, just like all bullies she will lose more and more respect for you until she has none left plus she will see you as a fool for not seeing through her behaviour.
Next time something similar happens think on it as a game, a game to enjoy. For example you could just decorate the table in say the shape of a bunch of flowers or whatever and walk away. You could say with a smile on your face, talk to me like that again and I’ll spank your bum.
You have to change her game, change the rules and make it your game. You also need to make it known that you know the game she is playing and “play” along with her. I think women both consciously and subconsciously get under a man’s skin, most especially their husband’s skin. They have all sorts of reasons for doing it, hormones, bad day with the kids, problems at work, financial worries all sorts of reasons.
When you recognise that she is doing it deliberately then you’ll handle the situations so very differently. But above all do not in anyway let her get away with bullying you because she will lose her respect for you (I think she already has) and she will come to see you (I think she already does) as a fool.
Ungratefullness and hateful words are 2 things I despise. They are totaly unecessary and unproductive. When I dealt with this as a young married (you know back in the cretaceous age) I said look I can't read minds so I do it the best way I know how and if I were you I would be thankfull for the 80% that was done right and just correct the 20 you think should be done different. Otherwise you find I got disheatened with trying to please you and just stop doing anything. Eventually I reverted to that briefly and she decided I was right. we have never had this prob again. and because she genuinely appreciates what I do I will bust my ass to help her. A little appreiciation goes a very long way with me.
If she wants something done differently all she has to do is nicely say honey will you do xyz this way. with that attitude I will do anything to please her but if she trys to bulldog me I will shut down. Posted via Mobile Device
There is no good reason to tolerate disrespect from anyone. If you allow it to go on, her love feelings for you will wither and die, and they will be replaced by feelings of dismissive contempt.
I also think these things are indicative of something else, like a symptom of a deeper problem. For some reason she’s feeling hurt, maybe wounded and is taking her anger and dislike out on you by way of being aggressive with you, by trying to hurt you. And in that, just like a bully she has exceptionally poor pain and anger management processes.
Maybe next time something similar happens just walk away (from the table battle zone) and sit down somewhere comfortable where she can join you if she has the mind to. If she does ask in a very benign way “What’s the matter?”. If she responds with you never lay the table right or whatever say “No. What’s really the matter?”. What you are trying to do is to get her to open up with her problems in the same way a friend would.
She may well go into a total monologue for what seems like an eternity. What’s she’s doing is SHARING her problems with you. She does not want any solutions, she wants to share because for some reason when a woman shares her problems it is a great release to her. You will sit there thinking those problems still exist even though she’s shared them with you. You may never understand it, you don’t have to for it to work.
If she does start talking then you really have to change gear and drop all your natural, instinctually manly ways. For example (1) You NEVER interrupt not even to clarify a point, but you do nod and make noises like “hmmmm”, (2) You NEVER offer any solutions to the problems she’s articulating, (3) You NEVER yawn but you may break your jaw trying not to. You always look interested and involved.
If she gets kind of re-energised, stands up like a great weight has been lifted off her shoulders then it’s worked. You’ll be confused, don’t worry it’s normal. At the end ask her if she’d like a cup of tea, a glass of wine or something. If she comes on sexy with you then you’ll know it’s really worked.
To the ladies I will say this: you seem not to get the issue. I have no problem to admit that I am not the greatest detail oriented person (btw, when we talk about "not setting up the table right" it's all about the placing of the plates a bit too far from the edge of the table! Not putting forks on top of spoons or something). And, I have no issue trying again next time. But this is not a way to speak. "I know you don't care" - well, if you know I don't care guess what, I am not going to care.
My wife constantly judges me because of my intentions. Most time she is just so off. She always seems to guess why I did this and why I did that. Never justyfing - maybe I was tired, maybe whatever. Always it's because I am careless or something like that.
Me, on the other hand, try never to judge her. No dinner? Okay, she had a hard day. Etc.
AFEH:
As always you have great points. If you follow my posts, she does indeed have some anger managements issue. And she is aware of it. Except, at the begninning of our marriage I used to be a nice guy and just apologize whenever she has one of those anger attacks, but not anymore.
I believe that no one can help her with her anger unless she decides to seek help.
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When your wife talks not nice, how to respond 
