How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?
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Old 07-19-2012, 10:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

I mean really. What are the signs?

Anyone?

Thanks.
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Old 07-19-2012, 10:41 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

Does he watch gay or bi porn? Does he hang out in gay clubs?
How has his interest in sex been with you? Has he wanted to try any new ideas you feel are odd? Is he wearing your clothes, or dressing different than usual? Hanging out wit gay or bi men?

I really don't know for sure other than the obvious sign like, he has told you he was gay or bi.
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Old 07-19-2012, 10:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

If he's trying to hide it from you, you'll probably never see the signs. My gay friend tells me there are a hell of a lot of married men on the prowl for some guy lovin' on the side.

You may have to snoop, like with any other cheater spouse.
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Old 07-19-2012, 10:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

Buy him a realistic looking dildo as a gift and see his first reaction when he opens it.
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Old 07-19-2012, 11:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

Thanks for the help/advice, Calla. I appreciate it.

He has told me that he likes to watch men masturbate online.
I feel so much about our marriage is odd now since I accidentally discovered his secret life online. His words, secret life, not mine.

This accidental discovery ~ Dday ~ was over two years ago and I feel a general disconnect with him now that comes and goes.

For some reason, call it intuition, whatever, I decided to look through an old hotmail account of his. I haven't done this in probably over a year and I found when doing a cursory email search a notify email there to a site called abadboy.com

When I googled it, I saw that it was like a CL for gay men. I suppose the best way to describe it was that it's kind of like the classifieds for gays and married men to find/hook-up with each other.

Why would this even be remotely connected to his email?

I asked him about it and of course he denies any knowledge of it and even wonders how it got there.

All I know is I never get this kind of spam in my inbox.
But he does.

My intuition is telling me that he's conflicted, that he's done something ~ i.e. hook-up with another guy ~ but will never admit it to me.

There are other things, like his sex drive. But that's another long story.

Sigh.

I wonder if I'm being paranoid....
This is why I'm hoping someone, anyone, maybe another married man might give me a clue gun.

Something....
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Old 07-19-2012, 11:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

Oh, thunderstruck. I would never see the signs?

That is sad.
For me. For me.

A secret life is an incredible waste of energy ~ why not just get divorced?
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Old 07-19-2012, 11:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Song View Post
This is why I'm hoping someone, anyone, maybe another married man might give me a clue gun.
Very sorry you're having to deal with this pain, but no clue gun here. I can tell you that as a straight/married guy, I would have zero interest in sites like that. I'll repeat that you need to snoop on him...keylogger, GPS and VAR in his car. Hopefully he's just looking, and hasn't acted on any of this.

One other thing. Each city usually has a hook up place for stuff like stuff. Usually it's a run down and wooded park. We have one here. Guys go at lunch, and disappear into the woods. I know this, b/c police stings are always busting some minister, politician, teacher, etc. I don't know...maybe find out if your H goes to a place like this (GPS in his car)?

Last edited by thunderstruck; 07-19-2012 at 11:15 AM.
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Old 07-19-2012, 11:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

I don't think you're being paranoid at all. Your woman's intuition is telling you something. Don't ignore it.

I'm straight and I can tell you that there isn't a bone in my body that desires to watch a man masturbate. I honestly can't believe that a straight man would get turned on by that. That's something a gay man would get turned on by.

You need to have a very direct discussion with him. Let him know you're not judging him but you have a right to know if he's gay. Tell him that if he's gay, he deserves to live the life he wants to live as do you.

I repeat, you're not being paranoid. If you're not ready to have this talk with him, start snooping around a lot more. If he finds you snooping, be honest why you're doing it.
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:03 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

Thank you thunderstruck, Lon and C123 for your replies.
So... I have two straight men here telling me that without a doubt that watching other men masturbate holds no allure.

Well, we have had discussions about this and I'm wondering if he just got so hooked into porn ~ he has called himself a porn freak ~ that his boundaries for what to watch became skewed.

But watching and posting on a classified for hook-ups are two different things.

I don't know how to talk with him about this because he denies any hook-ups with anyone ever. But he has admitted to posting naked pics of himself at two different online hook-up sites. He says he took them off after about a week because it was wrong.

My intuition says he's just lying to me. But what if he is telling the truth?

I guess if someone here has been through this... help!

Thanks for answering my distress call ~ I appreciate it!
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

You just changed the whole game Song.

He posted naked pictures of himself on a hook up site?!?!?

Was it gay or straight? Either way, he's violated the marriage. He doesn't deserve the inference that he might be telling the truth. He has to prove to you that he's not lying, not the other way around. He EARNS your trust. Obviously, he has some work to do.

I hate to state the obvious, but I would be very careful about STDs until you know for sure what's going on.

In my experience, dealing with my wife, her women's intuition is almost never wrong.
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

Song, my first comment was probably a little insensitive, I meant it to be a little lighthearted but seems like this is a troubling situation... I am a straight man but have been at times frustrated with my sex life, and towards the end of my marriage I found myself a little open minded about the other direction on the spectrum, I have not acted on it, but gave gay porn a view, it didn't do anything for me to see other men, however the thought of phallic shapes and mens organs was really creating some kind of deep urge.

At the time I also was pretty much in an entirely submissive frame of mind. I have never acted on it, nor really felt any compulsion to, however out of curiosity I did explore it in a bit of a voyeuristic way.

For me the subissiveness has largely gone away, but there is still something about phallic symbols (perhaps my own) that I fantasize about - I have no intent to make any such fantasy reality. When I say I am sexually attracted to women I mean it, and the frustration of not getting the type of sex you want or having sexual frustration does bizarre things to a man's psyche. Perhaps your H is just trying to explore this, but just because he is do not believe that it means his attraction to you is lessened or harmed in anyway. What is the rest of the communication like between you two?
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

C123,

Yes, he told me posted naked pics of himself online at two sites but removed them after a week because it he felt bad about doing that.

He also claims that despite spending literally hundreds of hours online in the chat rooms that he could never find a woman to cam with him.

He's a writer. He's funny. He's a liar. He must have found someone over the years. But he claims it was hard to find any women to chat or cam with.

Really? How could this be?

So... I feel duped.

I have tried to talk with him, but he professes undying love and yet... he never really wanted to make love to me for years. At one point, I asked him to see a doctor for testosterone ~ something, anything.

This was before I knew about his porn/chatting/webcam habit.

He did tell me that he masturbated online with men/cammed with them ~ but only because he couldn't find a female.

Well, he did find one female ~ the one I discovered in his secret email account on Dday.

And that's all he admits to: camming with her and 7 men. So... if he was satisfied by masturbating online with me and not having sex with me... is he gay? Bi? What?

He claims he's straight.
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

Lon, your first comment was probably apt. And I appreciate you coming back to share your ideas and impressions with me after thinking about it for a bit.

I can see your point. Everyone fantasizes and this doesn't mean we'd act upon them. However, my husband was chatting with men online. Camming with them. Posting pics.

That is beyond fantasy now.

And to discover the notify email in his account the other day, well, it is just troubling.

And I can't rugsweep something like this.

I've approached him about this and it's always: denial.

What am I doing wrong?
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

Song, I believe he is straight. Perhaps a little bi-curious, but if so, if it is anyhting like me it was a combination of the desire to please, and the realization that he knows what men like (because he is one).

His sexual orientation is not the real issue here though, its the withdrawn intimacy with you caused by his relationship with porn and other available spectator outlets. You see he is already crossed the line to interacting and posting ads, he is clearly stepping WAY outside the bounds of marriage, even if he is not having sexual intercourse with others. This is a symptom of a much larger issue, however it is one that can be fixed with a lot of work, from him and patience and dedication from you too.

My recommendation is for him to quit the porn completely, even cancel your internet subscription if you must, and find a sex therapist that has dealt with porn obsessions and how to restore the sex for between the two of you.


Or, if you see this as a dealbreaker then that is your choice too. Either way any problem is fixable if its what you both truly want.
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:52 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would I know if my husband is gay or bi-curious?

This is not simple.
The more pressure you put on him the more he will deny it.
He may not be gay. He might just be curious . The internet is filled with all sorts of porn categories.
But you are here specifically because of your discovery.
Maybe you need to search some more and see if he is ONLY into gay porn. If he looks at other categories ,then he might be just curious about gay porn.
If its just gay porn , then there may be problems.
But in your opinion, has the sex changed between you two? If so, how ?
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