Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed?
Here is a question I am grappling with for a while. I used to be a beta male, always trying to please my wife, being treated like a doormat, etc. After reading the "no more mr. nice guy" book I realized my mistakes and really worked on changing myself.
I saw huge improvement in the way my wife treats me, which is great.
The issue here that in general she is a very negative person. The most common terms she uses are "I am angry because" "this is so annoying", "I am pissed off". The most UNCOMMON terms she uses is "I really like", "it was great", "I am so happy."
So, does an alpha male supposed somehow to change such an attitude? Is it even possible to unless the person herself wants to?
We had a major fight this past weekend. I was as open as it gets - when she blamed me, I told her that her behavior towards me can sometime be borderline verbally abuse, and that unless she is ready to work on herself, I am not going to change one bit. That's use to be the major trap - she tells me how I am to blame, I say yes ,I have a part of it but please join me and we will do it together, and she used to say that I have to make her want to change. Yeah.
So since then, she is being super nice. Really trying. But she just doesn't understand what attracts me. She thinks that all I need is sex - instead of understanding that I need is a loving wife, and a positive partner. I am a very positive person. I don't judge, happy with what I have, tries to be friendly with everyone I meet.
With her, almost everything is negative, and everyone is looking to do something bad for her.
I know this is a result of how she was brought up... but still, how would a good, real alpha male behave in such a case?
Re: Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed?
You can't "change" anyone's attitude. All you can do is change how you react to her. You can tell her how you feel, of course, but ultimately, she is responsible for her own happiness (or lack thereof) and for her own behavior whether you are alpha or beta or whatever other labels people give eachother now.
Re: Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed?
As a leader, you wouldn't fight with her. You would discuss in a civil tone. If she chooses to be uncivil, you disengage.
As a leader, you would not react to the "negative" statements, instead you would steer them to a positive tone. "I am so angry" would be met with "Well what would make you happy?" If the tone doesn't change, you disengage.
An "Alpha" has two roles in a pack. One is leading, the other is protecting. When she acts out in the way you describe, it is because she is feeling vulnerable. It is up to you to create a safe haven where she is able to express herself openly without fear of retribution. She should feel that she can say anything to you and it will be heard, even if it doesn't get agreed with.
__________________ The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?
OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
Re: Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed?
That’s her “self talk”, the voice that goes on inside her head. We all have those conversations with ourselves, she’s obviously a very negative, pessimistic person.
You can’t really do anything about it at all. The only time she will change is if she has a great need to. Like a serious loss in her life, a great deal of pain or something. Even then after the greatest losses possible some people still don’t change.
Re: Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mistys dad
As a leader, you wouldn't fight with her. You would discuss in a civil tone. If she chooses to be uncivil, you disengage.
As a leader, you would not react to the "negative" statements, instead you would steer them to a positive tone. "I am so angry" would be met with "Well what would make you happy?" If the tone doesn't change, you disengage.
An "Alpha" has two roles in a pack. One is leading, the other is protecting. When she acts out in the way you describe, it is because she is feeling vulnerable. It is up to you to create a safe haven where she is able to express herself openly without fear of retribution. She should feel that she can say anything to you and it will be heard, even if it doesn't get agreed with.
Or maybe her needs for save haven are way too much for what I can provide? Maybe her insecurities are way too complicated for me to provide her security?
Re: Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed?
Quote:
Originally Posted by joshbjoshb
unless she is ready to work on herself, I am not going to change one bit.
You saying "you're not going to change one bit unless she is ready to as well, comes across as you wanting her to change first. Its almost like a child who crosses their arms, and says "NO I don't want to" because they didn't get their way. Her being nice to you right now is fine, however I think it may be short lived. You need change because you know you need to not because you are waiting on her, because that may or may not ever happen.
I am in a similar situation. Except she attitude was really really bad. She would always find a way to make her self right even if she was wrong, but her immature attitude had changed, but I can't help but notice these annoying traces of her former self still exists. I guess the whole attitude that people have has been developed thru there life and you can never really change a person completely.
Re: Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed?
Quote:
Originally Posted by trey69
You saying "you're not going to change one bit unless she is ready to as well, comes across as you wanting her to change first. Its almost like a child who crosses their arms, and says "NO I don't want to" because they didn't get their way. Her being nice to you right now is fine, however I think it may be short lived. You need change because you know you need to not because you are waiting on her, because that may or may not ever happen.
Perhaps you didn't read the entire post of mine? I said this because we had those arguments plenty of times, and each time she told me I should change first. So no, I am not unless you are. Very simple.
Re: Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed?
Quote:
Originally Posted by joshbjoshb
...and that unless she is ready to work on herself, I am not going to change one bit
I think you missed some of the keys in the book. First, this is about you. You work on you, for you. Doesn't matter if she works on herself/changes or not.
The other thing is, you can become super-Alpha man, and it may not improve your marriage or your wife's attitude one bit. In fact, as described in the book, your work on you may kill your marriage sooner. That seems to be the path that my Nice Guy work has put me on.
Re: Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH
That’s her “self talk”, the voice that goes on inside her head. We all have those conversations with ourselves, she’s obviously a very negative, pessimistic person.
You can’t really do anything about it at all. The only time she will change is if she has a great need to. Like a serious loss in her life, a great deal of pain or something. Even then after the greatest losses possible some people still don’t change.
And stop “fighting”.
I agree. I guess my question was what to do, and the answer seems to be "disengage". I have been doing it lately.
Re: Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed?
Quote:
Originally Posted by joshbjoshb
Perhaps you didn't read the entire post of mine? I said this because we had those arguments plenty of times, and each time she told me I should change first. So no, I am not unless you are. Very simple.
Then let her tell you that if she wants, you be the bigger person and walk away. You saying it back because she did doesn't make it right or better.
Re: Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed?
Quote:
Originally Posted by CallaLily
IMO, some people don't change or wont change at least, unless they feel they have something worth changing for, period.
Preach!
And some, eventhough they have something worth changing for/stopping behavior for, STILL don't change!
I have a relative like this. She has destroyed so many relationships with family members and is fully aware of how her attitude sucks yet she is unbendable. It's sad really because it's made people resent her and want nothing to do with her.
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Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed? 
Re: Alpha male and negatives wives - can it be changed? 
