Nod

So my wife & I married when were both big. Never any real marital issues...she bottles everything up. We had a son a year into the marriage. Done everything the "typical" American family does, buy a house, go to disney, rack up debt...

FF to Jan 2011 - I was tired of being fat (450lbs). I told my wife I was having surgery, as it was the first year my health insurance covered it. She didn't want it even though she was around 250lbs. Well around March, after moving forward, she decided to get it too. Great! We can do this together --- mistake...

So she goes first (july 2011) - surgery is a success . Her top weight was 293. Mine came in Aug, my top was the 474. Mine went well. However my wife had a lot less to lose.

So spring rolls on in, and my wife is now gorgeous (135lbs size 4). I am not talking 6 or 7, more like an 8/10. I always loved her face, and knew she would be a knockout if she lost weight...

Well for me, I'm doing great too. I am down to 278 & have about another 100lbs to go.

However, we almost split, b/c now all of her feelings that were bottled up for years came bubbling to the surface... She wants to be "independent". Nice way of saying I want a hotter guy...

She admitted she wasn't and hasn't been attracted to me for years, but she still loves me.

Anyhow, she changed her mind about being independent and wants us to stay together but wants me to work out, and get hot for her (well was planning on that anyhow). Basically I told her, I am going to be hot in less than a year, which is how long the law requires couples to be separated before the divorce can happen (b/c of our son). Then she is going to beg for me back and I will be over her spent goods...

Now when we go out, I notice every man looking at her. I don't particularly like it. But she has to wear the hottest clothes now even to the grocery store... My insecurities have taken a toll... I adore her and always have, and I'm afraid I won't be good enough for her once I am done... That scares the hell out of me... Anyhow, i put a before and after pic of her... See why I don't wanna split?

before:

after:

Doing the MAP to up my rank...

WorkingOnMe

Better get busy my friend. Cause seriously, you could blow this. sign up for a marathon or a triathlon. Make a goal. You're getting a second chance, make it count!

WorkingOnMe

Your wife has probably wanted to be hot for her entire adult life. Now that she's got it, she's going to show it off. Any talk to the contrary and she'll think you're insecure, holding her back, or both.

Nod

Haha - I am already on <1000 calorie/day diet... Gym 4-5 times wk. My calorie deficit is somewhere around 2000 per day, so I am losing a pound every 2 days... 15/month has been my average..

But honestly, b/c I've been with her for 12 years... Is she hot or is she just hot to me?

Nod

No, she asks me what she should wear. Of course I pick the hottest stuff. Figure I need to get while the getting is good... Insecurity is a very ugly trait...

WorkingOnMe

All that matters is that she's hot to YOU. For me, my judgement of "hotness" has a lot more to do with our interactions in and out of the bedroom than how she looks in the mirror or what the scale says. But that's just me.

I'll agree though that she looks great. She must be very proud of herself!

norajane

You both just underwent a significant change in your lives. I'm not surprised her bottled up feelings are coming out. I'll bet there's a lot there psychologically. For you, too. You're both in the process of transforming yourselves, and you're both with someone who is undergoing a significant transformation.

Does your surgery and post-op include some sort of therapy? It might help you both to sort through your feelings about all of this, and its effects on your marriage.

Nod

We have considered counseling, but have come to realize that it's just best to be open & fully honest... We did that & A LOT came out... Basically it boiled down to, get in shape within a year or I'm done... She feels she "owes" me that... That was a couple weeks ago...

Last week we got into the largest argument ever. A lot of what i was feeling came out.. In a not do nice way though... She was going to move out then, but i knew that was it if i let her go.. So i vowed to be passive, get in shape, & live happily ever after...

Just did a workout on the shoulders.. My surgery anniversary is aug 8. If i lose 4 more pounds, I'll hit 200 lost in a year. Boy, what a difference... Tons more energy...

norajane

Counseling isn't just about expressing your feelings honestly. It's also about the next steps after expressing your feelings. It's also about helping you understand and process your feelings and all the changes. Individual counseling would probably be just as beneficial as couples counseling.

MEM11363

Nod,
You are doing the TWO biggest things in the "game":
- Demonstrating commitment by working out like a mad man AND
- Demonstrating RESTRAINT by staying on top of your insecurities and encouraging her to LOOK HOT

So now it's time to simply - with a light touch but a bit of edge reverse the age old female adage which is: You can look (at other women), but cannot touch

And the reversal is: You can be looked AT, but not touched

Wait until you are "out" with her, and she is getting looks and enjoying it. And smile - use a friendly tone when you say it. Heck, tell her to "have fun with it - meaning the new bod".

You (with a mischievous smile): Have fun with it - just remember you can be looked AT, but (edge goes on the word not) not touched

Nod

There were some weeks where my insecurities were very obvious. I have come to the rationalization that if I stay insecure, she will leave, or she'll find someone else and leave. So the choice was to put the insecurities behind me and save us while working on me. Seems to be working... If she was going to do anything, she would have already. Trust me, she works at a hospital, and apparently it is just like the show ER. They have no sexual harassment training, etc...

Max Demien

Nod, she's attractive, but there are lots of attractive women everywhere. Getting oogled at by strange men will get old after a while. A loving husband never gets old for women. And regardless of what you weigh, if you start believing in yourself, your self-confidence will raise the level of your appeal to your wife and other women.

Nod

I agree. It is new for both of us. I'll keep doing what I'm doing & if it works, then good, if not, well there is no shortage of women looking for a good man.

Mavash.

I've struggled with insecurity my whole life until one day (after therapy) it clicked.

You can't control other people. Is there a risk she will leave you? Yes it's the same risk married people face everyday. What you seriously need to do is face that fear. So what if she leaves you? Why would you want someone who doesn't want you? There are plenty of attractive women out there. She isn't the ONLY one.

You need to hold your head high and let her feel the vibe of you will survive if she chooses to throw away her marriage thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. Have faith that when you lose your weight women will start looking at YOU too. If she leaves then that's her loss not yours.

tiadhani

Personally I think it's pretty superficial for her to tell you to get "hot" for her or she's leaving you. I'm having an issue with my husband where I want him to lose weight but it's a health thing, I don't care if he's all muscles and whatever I just want him to be healthy, able to do the things even he says he wants to do.

Do whatever your doing (working out etc) for yourself, and be happy with yourself, if it's not enough for your wife that your just healthy then you deserve better.