ggtam000

Hello, my name is bb (confidential) and I am looking for input from those in the similar situation as me so that we can share feeling and support each other as men. I am 34 old guy and never married and never had kids before. About a year ago, I met another lady 31 years old and we have been in touch ever since. It is a long distance relationship but so far we have managed in touch mostly by communication and we also met only twice during this period. looking at this it is even hard to say whether it is a really a relationship even though we call each other honey and gf/bf.

Our second meeting was in long vacation trip during which had a great time but after that she became a pregnant. She informed me after the trip and news came as a shockwave to me and past few days I was barely able to function in my life let alone at work. 4-5 of days turmoil since the news and because it was unplanned. My instant reaction was to have an abortion after she told me and she jumped on saying I am not going to hear from you. That was the hardest shock I experienced and I know both of us has been overreacted. Slowly recovering after few days of shifting thoughts and minds, despair, helplessness, disorientation and I am starting to think about what happened today.

Biggest dilemma is that although she is very sweet person to be with and I was planning to have a long time relationship with her. But I also know she is kinda bossy and tend to make decision alone with me.

She also brought up the pregnancy question like what I would do if we know had a baby and I was really surprised about why she is saying about this so early but did not think much about it. I presumed that it is her kind of rushy reaction because of the fact she had no kids this late age and did not give much thought about it.

During the vacation even before become pregnant I remember she has once told me that she would like to have kid from me and she does not care much if I stay with him or not.

I was kinda surprised by this fact and assumed she might be saying this out of traumatizing experience in the past.

She is very honest and loyal with no hidden agenda, but I found out that she has been married before and just before meeting me she had applied for divorce and had one abortion before. She said to me abortion one year ago and was her mistake and she regrets it whole life for getting rid of her baby and it has been traumatizing experience for her.

Now she seem to be so determined to have the baby and will not list to any opinions from me about abortion. After my instant reaction by telling her abortion is my choice, I realized that I should not have told her the way I told her and later I talked about possibilities we have and what I think about it. Basically 3 choices, raising the kid together, she raising the kid, or abortion. She does not care whether I will be a father or not as this is really hurtful for me because I feel like I am a unimportant and she and baby is the most important. But every once a while she would say things like why would you like to kill your own baby, how can you even say something like that. This made me really disoriented and confused and I dont know what to do from now on. The fact this happened without plan has really putting strain on my life. According to her even discussion abortion to her is like torturing her because of the past experience. Now I dont wanna hurt her feeling so I am even afraid about telling her my true thoughts and kinda standing by. I just told her that I will support her whatever choice I make.
And my thoughts are changing daily in the past few days, one time I would say like baby is going to wonderful and we are going to be wonderful family, but as soon as I talk to her about baby, my hearts starts pounding, shaking feeling, grief and anxiety. As soon as I start feeling like that really ****ty part of this experience comes to mind and I started telling her how unfortunate it was for me that I am left out of decision and she is doing it only for kid and herself not for me. This causes her to go mad but when I feel like that and even though I really dont wanna hurt her, i had no choice but express my opinion.

Slowly, my thought process seem to be starting to stabilize after this type of wild mood swings and I hope the feeling will be better and I will be saying more rational things to her. I really do care for her and hurting her is the last thing I wanna do but I also feel my thoughts are considered and judged which is very very contradictory two thoughts at this time.

I am kinda looking for advise on this matter if you are going through similar experience and would like some soothing advice as I have no one to talk to. I dont wanna to talk my mom about this becuase I dont wanna worry her she is so old. I just telling her that we are in discussion. I also dont wanna tell to my friends because I want my thoughts to be stable and not influenced by others and because I have a very independent mind and "own thoughts are best" person.

So far we havent talked to each other one whole day (before we were talking several times a day). I hope this will give both of us time to think and get relaxed.

I am really worried about where this thing is heading. Can we be a family? This is big question because adding to that I am just finding out we have some very opposite natures: both are stubborn, independent, like to go our own way, I even found this through astrological signs (i - capricorn, she -leo). We liked each other very much but her dominating, temperantal, feisty sides (add the past experience) are sometimes specially this time at odds with my determined, dominating and moody nature. If we clashes, things certainly goes bad and if we live together and have conflicting times like this, child will suffer.

I really concerned about the whether we can work out our differences and tolerates each other. If we cannot, then child will suffer from our turbulent union.

Can we live separate after the birth? If we do, she will certainly be the one keeping the baby. For her, giving me is probably not an option. We are also residing in a two different country far away. In this case, will I miss my baby or just forget about it? I dont know whether I will miss the child that happened this suddenly without my planning and without my intention. Will it give me a lifetime of sorrow and despair? For me it seems like some man are okay with this and some men can not live with this situation. How will child be raised in this situation? How it is like to be growing without father for child? Will she/he hate me or just be okay when baby grows up.

Although I said she is not even thinking about abortion, in the unlikeliest case if she does, will it heal my wound? Becuase for me right now, my deep feeling is I want her to have an abortion but if she does it am I damned? So far abortion seems to be the best choice for me so that child will not have a potentially suffering future and baby will not ever know about it. If it sounds too cruel, I am sorry. Becuase I dont know how 3 of us will end up and I don't want child to suffer for whole life because of it.

Because this is a permanent solution and I also dont wanna do anything that I regret again. I certainly dont want her to hurt too. According to her, because she did it once before and it was traumatizing experience, if she does it again, am I damned to be in hell for causing or influencing her to do this?

I wanna be careful from now on because I already made series of mistakes if you are reading through this.

So this is the story from now on, and I am hoping for the best outcome and happy life for everyone. If you have similar experience please share your thoughts and post your opinions.

Gaia

Ok I myself am against abortion as I am a pro life person. That plus the way abortion is done is really cruel imo. But what I'm curious about... is... why would you say abortion is your choice when it is her body not yours? Not to mention your not giving that child a choice in the matter. Another thing... why do you think the child would suffer if it was born?
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moxy

There is no point in staying in a relationship if the two of you want different things because it will only lead to heartache, unhappiness, and pain later down the road. Just take stock of this situation objectively, for a moment. You don't want a baby. She does. Stop pressuring her to get an abortion. Just because you don't want to be involved in a family dynamic doesn't mean that she has to give it up. If you don't want to be a father and don't want a relationship with your child and with her as a family, then just break up with her and move on with your own life -- while making sure you contribute at least a small amount every month for the care of the child you have made with this woman.

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Gaia

I agree 100 percent with this!
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ggtam000

Thanks you for your advice. It is comforting and soothing to me.

All I need for now is to stay calm and stable. For the heaven's sake, please put harsh, radical words in this thread.

You guys' option is definitely a consideration for me and I wish nothing but the best outcome for all 3 of us.

ggtam000

Hi Gaya, thanks for input. Perhaps I shd correct it, abortion is obviously not my choice, it is my opinion in this case.

Second question is all about my pessimistic nature, i know it does really seems to be strange for some ppl. I am kinda person, who look at the darker side of the situation for the sake of preventing it by considering the pros and cons of situation rather than let it go person.

Gaia

Gg we are not trying to come across as harsh or radical. I understand your emotional right now but you did come here for the opinions and advice of others correct? Not all will be easy to hear.. or read in this case but it is said with good intentions. I have received opinions and advice that was hard for me to swallow but I took it all into consideration. I repeat, I apoligize if you took any of this the wrong way but the short version... we suggest you stop pressuring her. If you don't want it.. that's fine. You can break it off. Hell if you want get a dna test later just in case. If it is your child... the right thing to do would to provide at least a bit for him/her.
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Gaia

Ah... so you always expect the worst? That is fine sometimes.... but perhaps you may want to try to think positive once in awhile? All that negativity can't be good for you.. you deserve to be happy as well.
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EleGirl

Do not just assume this is your baby. If you continue to have a relationship with this woman and the child, make sure you get a paternity test.

Assuming this is your baby, you may as well stop the negative thinking. You are apparently going to be a father. You talk about her choices. Well you have a different set of choices.

Marrying her because she is having a baby is a bad idea. Marriages that start this way do not last. Now if later you decide that you want to marry her because you love her, that's a different story.

So will you be a father to this child it the DNA test shows it's your child? That the choice that you have to make.

I don't know why you are so surprised that she is pregnant... that's what happens when you have sex. So you chose to take a chance at creating a child.

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ggtam000

ElleGirl, thx for advice. According to her said first time we did was in hotel in uk, based on her test's finding, the timing of the conception and first day of vacation hotel is just about right. I don't have any doubts on this but if it comes to this, of course I will ask for a paternity test.

I know we have different set of choices and preferences which is at odds with each other. I also certainly think that marrying her just because of baby is absurd and does not work that way. But either outcome most likely outcome is I will not be with her because of the length of our relationship, number of meets and this kind of turbulent experience at such an early time of our relationship.

lovingsummer

I agree with ElleGirl as well, make sure it is yours because if you sign the paternity papers, you are financially responsible (not 100% sure if you're not in the USA). I would suggest that you do some research on the effects of a child growing up with an absent parent. It doesn't sound likely that an abortion is an option or adoption for that matter. Do you know this person well enough to know she's be a stable mother for this child?

My husband and I got pregnant 2 1/2 months after we started dating (although we'd known eachother for 2 years but had lost contact for quite a while) we've been together 20 years now but it's been a helluva time making work sometimes.

One of our daughters is adopted and I know that she has gone through times when it was really tough on her. Having to cope with her parents not having anything to do with her. She is 13 now and will struggle with this for quite some time along with the anger, resentment and self doubt as to why they didn't... No matter how hard I try to convince her that has nothing to do with HER and everything to do with THEM... doubts still creep up and it breaks my heart for her.

I certainly hope you feel as though this child deserves more than a bit every month. If you didn't want to have a baby then you should've been more careful. Sometimes you make the right decision and sometimes you make the decision right. You don't have to marry this woman because you're right, that's absurd... But if this child is yours, you will be a parent with her for the rest of your life... like it or not and whether your present or not... Every child deserves a Mom and a Dad in their life...

ggtam000

Yes, I looked at paternity test but I am expecting the result to be positive and expecting that way. Tiny doubt on this.
I know the child born without either parent is never complete, even I was raised with both parents I still have a deep wounds of father giving always unfair treatment compared to some of my siblings. I can imagine how it looks to be without either parent. For me a year is not a good enough time for someone like me to know the person but I think I have known enough as she is pretty open. In my opinion, she is decent, fairly good educated althought fieriness and reckless spending is her weakness. So stability I consider medium stability.

I am interested in why you chose to adopt your daughter. I am knda interested in story. THEM is whom? The parents who adopted her?

lovingsummer

My husband and I adopted his little sisters daughter (our neice). We've had her full time since she was 3 years old. My sister in law got pregnant when she was young. Her bf and her had just broke up and he had left for the military. Her parents took care of the baby most of the time until she was about 2 1/2 then we had her at our house quite a bit. When she turned 3 my SIL asked us to take her and adopt her because she just didn't have it together enough to raise a baby. My H is 8 years older than his sister and I am 10 years, we already had 2 kids as well. By they I am referring to her "birth parents" since birth mom is family, she does see her from time to time. Her birth dad is in prison now and starting writing to her quite a bit (he hasn't seen her since she was 7 and not much contact even then). My SIL is now married and has 2 children but lives far away so we don't see them often or stay in touch much. With the birth dad writing a little more, she's started to feel a little resentment towards her birth mom for not "taking any time to have contact with her". She doesn't see that her birth dad didn't either until he got locked up and now all he has is time.

My H and I have always been open and honest with her about the adoption. Have always kept pictures of her birth parents (mainly her dad's side of the family since her mom's side is family to us) in our family albums and allowed them to see her when they wanted, etc. with some limits... But my daughter still feels like maybe it's something to do with her. That's not the case and I hope like crazy she will understand that someday.

Clever

Are you sure you're the father?

I get that not everybody is ok with abortion, but it sounds like she is being very controlling here. Not the type of person I'd want to have a kid with, so I feel for your concerns.

Hopefully you'll find something that works for everybody, whether it's abortion or adoption. Doesn't sound like having a kid together is the best one, from what you've said. To me, simply sending money doesn't cut it.

badbane

Do not have an abortion. I am a 26 year old man that was adopted. My biological mother was 16 and almost had me aborted. I am sorry but that thing inside your girlfriend is not a toy or an object it is half of you. I have a wife, two step kids, and a son who is mine. I thank god, and my biological mother for this everyday.
Just because you had on oops doesn't mean you get to run a flip a switch. If you aren't ready for a child then there are thousands of families on the waiting list to adopt a child.
IMO abortion is cowardly beyond all measures.
You are in you 30's and you aren't married it doesn't matter because your son or daughter will love you and call you daddy.
You may be afraid of those words but when it is your own progeny, your future legacy on this planet calling you father you will hunger for that word daily.
You also need to make sure this child is really yours you are in a LDR and she could be sleeping around. You might piss her off when you ask for a DNA test but so what better now than later. Especially if you do get in a relationship with her and find out later the baby is someone else's.

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