kag123

Being 100% serious - I see this mentioned a lot, what on earth is this?

WorkingOnMe

google is your friend. In the Married Man Sex Life Primer it's called a fitness test. It's basically a test of leadership. Will the man have the balls to put his wife in her place. There are many examples. Like asking questions with no good answers (does this dress make me look fat?) Or asking your man to do something you are completely capable of doing just to show you can order him around (can you put this dish in the dishwasher for me?).

These tests are opportunities and traps at the same time. If a man fails the test then the woman thinks she "won" but in reality she loses a little respect for him which can build up over time. If a man calls her on it then she might get mad in the short term but her respect for him grows.

CandieGirl

A sh!t test is something that men think we women do to keep them on their toes. ;-)

kag123

This is kind of why I was asking here, rather than googling. I am interested in hearing men's personal opinions of what it is (not just the book definition).

I think I just read maybe 10 or so threads where a man was an author and they mentioned their wives performing these fitness tests.

I scratch my head and think, either there are a crap load of super immature women in the world (which I don't doubt is true), or anything a woman does is being over analyzed and seen as a fitness test?

If I am not allowed to ask my husband to put a dish in the dishwasher without it being called a fitness test - sheesh!

Just trying to understand, that's all.

WorkingOnMe

Ok I used a bad example. But if you're standing in the kitchen and he's on the couch watching the news after working all day, and you ask him to get up and put the dish in the dishwasher that you're standing 5 feet from, yes it's a sh!t test.

ocotillo

When I first met my wife, she told me her name was 'Friz Freleng' and flat out told me a few months later that I wouldn't have had a dance with her if I hadn't gotten the joke.

Consciously or unconsciously, that was test of attention to detail, sense of humor and probably even intelligence all rolled into one.

Sh!t tests are common at the dating stage, but if it's happening a lot in marriage, I think something is probably wrong.

AFEH

It depends a lot on whose definition you use. My wife was passive aggressive so for me a shet test is a thought out and planned act of covert aggression designed to hurt and wound. It’s that getting under the skin but you don’t know it, you just know you hurt like hell and you’ve suddenly got very angry. The equivalent shet test say from man to a woman would be the man using his fists on his wife, pushing her against a wall, onto the floor in acts of overt aggression.


Whereas on the other hand a fitness test is something we do say when dating. We look to see if they’re financially responsible, sociable, have a good sense of humour, would make a good parent, be a good provider etc. etc. Within a marriage we’ll sometimes fitness test as well. Lets say we’re thinking of giving up and leaving or we think our partner is considering leaving. We may well then fitness test them to try and discover what the true situation is.

Ten_year_hubby

What about her asking you to fasten her bra when she is completely capable. Am I losing respect every time I fasten it for her?

WorkingOnMe

Not as long as you cop a feel in the process.

Gaia

Ok.. I don't know about other women and frankly this shyt test thing seems like another conspiracy theory buuut I gain respect for my man if he does something I ask him to do. Such as... if I asked him to go put a dish in the sink... and he does... that shows me he cares enough to listen the first time... and uf he does it without me asking... I gain even more respect for him. Then again it might be because I'm weird lol but if it were reversed and he asked me to do something for him... I would do it no problem. Perhaps its people misunderstanding the acts of service love language?
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Gaia

And if she asked this because she was busy preparing a meal? Would it really be some sort of test?
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norajane

I don't see where the 'test' part comes in. What you describe are aggressive, abusive acts that have no place in any relationship - these are things people do because they suck as people, not because they are testing you.

WalkingInLight

A fitness test is a women testing to see if the man she is with will hold on to being the person he is determined to be.

I like what an earlier poster said - kind of keeping us on our toes. But not in any effort/attempt to trip us up, just kind of like checking a car tire to see if it has the right amount of air in it

I don't think it has anything to do with dishes.

I'm determined not to swear anymore. I used to do it a lot and often directed at my wife when I was angry.

The other day I was watching a movie in which there was a lot of swearing. My wife walked in and said, "What are you watching? Why would you watch that when you told me you didn't like swearing anymore and don't want to do it yourself?"

This was my fitness test. Did I choose to tell her to go away and leave me alone because I felt uncomfortable with her challenging my commitment to be the best man I could be? Or did I acknowledge that she was right, turn the movie off, and thank her for her encouragement?

That's a fitness test in my opinion.

donny64

Perfect example of a sh!t test my W threw me a month ago...

I'm outside on patio. She'd just walked in to work on dinner (her night to cook), while I remained to finish up on the computer. Several minutes later, I see her learing at me through the sliding door. I motioned to her "what"? She looked at me with a stern glare for a second, turned and walked back in the kitchen. I was baffled. I got up, went inside and asked what was up. She said "I'm hungry, I want to eat now". I said "well, okay, all you had to do was say so".

So, as I'm walking in with a confused "WTH was that all about" thought and grab our plates to go sit down, as we're walking she says "ha-ha, I got my way". Well, no she didn't. I turned right back around and carried my azz right back outside.

She hardly ever pulls stuff like this, so not a biggie. But I wasn't folding to it.

An example of a test: Wife says "what if I told you it would be okay for you to sleep with another woman?", when she has no intention of doing so and would never allow it. Just to see how her man will respond and where he is coming from. Does he say "hmmm, okay, let's explore this a little" (obviously not the answer she was looking for...chit test failed). Does he state calmly "Well, it's not ok for me. And if you think it is, we have a problem" (stating his morals that he'd not do it, and putting it back on her for even suggesting it. Test passed). Or he may dismiss as ridiculous and say something like "woohooo! Now I don't have to cancel my three dates tonight, thanks babe!!!", and then drop it. (Test passed, and she was "put in place" by him letting her know he felt her question was ridiculous and silly, and refused to even entertain it).

Other examples would be:

Throwing out unwarranted snarky comments to see how he responds. Does he kiss her azz, or put her in her place. I'd get that one a bit from my W early on in dating (and every once in a great while now). Passed them all. Because I didn't snap back in retaliation, yell, or give a rude response back. I didn't mope. Didn't call her a name (never have in fact). I would simply stop what I was doing and look at her with a raised brow. When she'd finally catch on that it was suddenly quiet and I'd stopped, she'd look at me and say "what?". I'd just say "we're not married (or I'm not your ex husband), and you won't talk to me like we are (I am). When you're ready to get out of marriage mode, let me know". If her response was anything other than "I'm sorry" or some variation thereof, I'd remove myself from the room until she acknowledged she'd messed up. If she accepted it right away, I'd just say something about "I don't take you for granted, I don't ever talk to you like that, and I expect the same from you...I won't have that type of relationship where we talk to each other like that", and then I'd drop it completely as soon as she understood, and we'd continue our evening. Passed on several levels (set the boundary, didn't retaliate, no anger. Just calm reasoning, a willingness to "walk away" from her for bad behavior, and a boundary that I'd not tolerate it).

Acting unreasonable and seeing how he responds. Does he let it go? React with overt and undue anger? Or does he calmly put and end to it?

Making hurtful comments. "My last boyfriend was huge and screwed me so good!". Does the target of the test cry or whine? Mope about? Throw things? Or does her instead calmly set a boundry that such comments will not be tolerated.

Flirting with others. She openly flirts when she knows he's not okay with it. How does he respond? Cry and whine about it, stomp off and mope about, or set a boundary with her? What does he do if she crosses that boundary she was just warned about?

They are basically all about "testing" your confidence, boundaries, and manhood. To see how you stack up. If you're genuine. If you're a guy she can respect.

Some of these (like snarky or hurtful comments) can be a conscious act, or subconscious. If it's a conscious act, she's waiting for the response. If it's subconscious, she may not even realize she did anything, but you can bet if her behavior is not checked, the behavior will likely escalate over the course of the relationship as it becomes more comfortable or people get complacent. And she'll start losing respect for a man who won't stand up for himself as a result. And it's a snowball effect. Once that respect is lost, the chit tests will come harder and faster until she knows you're not a man that will stand up for much of anything, let alone himself or her.

Gaia

Omg no that isn't a test ffs. You ever consider maybe she was actually curious? I have asked my man similar questions... such as when he is around someone that smokes. I asked him why he would want to be around them if he said he hated the smell of smoke and didn't want anything to do with it. It wasn't a test at all.. it was me wishing to know if he was really missing having a cigarette that bad. If so I was willing to see if we could work on a comprimise that would still allow him to smoke... but not as often as we can't afford to really support him smoking as much as he used to. That was me wanting an honest answer from him about how he was feeling.

He of course decided not to be honest about how he was feeling and instead of letting me help him... he decided to lie to me and eventually he slipped up and smoked a cigar... first a cuban one day.. then a cheaper one the next day.
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