A few weeks ago, I read an email my wife had written to one of her girlfriends. The message was left open on the computer by accident. I know this was wrong to read it and I feel bad about it. In it, she mentions how attracted she is to a client of hers who she sees about once a month. She said she is secretly crazy about him. He is married but miserable I believe. He is also considerably older then her +25 years. She has known this client for over 20 years. She said that she would never do anything about it in the email. Other clients have told her that he is attracted to her as well. I sort of confronted her on this though did not mention anything about the email I read. She has talked about this guy from time to time and and he came up a few times over the course of a weekend. There are certain physical traits that she likes about this guy and other guys in general. Traits which I don't have. That was my in to engage her in the conversation and ask her why she was with me if she is so attracted to a certain type that isn't me. I also brought up the client and asked her why she was bringing up his name so much. She said that she really admired him and things that he had accomplished but that was it. She said she would never want to change anything about our life together and that she was very happy with our relationship. This was about 6 weeks ago. A few days ago she was having a conversation with her friend on the phone. I could overhear it from the other room. She thought that I was in the basement. Again, I am not proud of the eaves dropping but I am not feeling secure about this situation. The conversation was about a date her friend had recently had. I believe the friend was telling her that there was something about the guy she had dated that she was attracted to. My wife then said that you cannot control attraction even though she has tried and brought up this client again and says she thinks about him alot and has been crazy about him the past few months. She also mentioned a guy at the store where she shops and they always check each other out. I need objective advice here on this situation. Is this something to be concerned about? Is it normal? We've been married for 7 years and have not had any problems. Should I talk to her about it again. I am having a hard time just putting it in the back of my mind. She does talk freely with me about actors and stars who she thinks are good looking and has even pointed out a guy who she thought was good looking but I believe she is free with me in that way as she sees me as a friend as well as a husband. I am not sure how to handle this.
Sounds to me that is about time you start to put your damn foot down.I mean from what have written.
Its not a question IF.Its more about when cheating startīs..Hence sex dropped to once a week.That alone should be enough for not to tolerate.
Whats up with al the dudeīs she seemīs to be so attracted to?
How old is this client if she's known him for over 20 years and he's 25+ years older than her.Do you think this is a recent attraction or something that she's always felt? If it's recent I would be worried that she's thinking there's something lacking in her life.Hope you don't have anything to worry about.Take care.
Just to add,the fact that she knows he's attracted to her as well makes for a very iffy situation.
You gotta do a preemptive alpha strike... Act strongly and decisive. I would tell her what you know and actually place her in the emotional dog house. I would tell her i would not wait around while she decides if she wants to cheat or not and continue to drool over this other guy. That you are not a man to just "settle" for. That she should seek happiness elsewhere and you'll do the same if she has decided to continue this disrespect.
If she wants to keep you since you now have doubts if you want her if she continues to behave like that then she is to cut all forms of contact with that guy, and refrain from mentioning him ever again or she can hit the road.
And make it convincing and distant. You're above her crap. Don't fall for the common ladie tricks of crying and sentences like "don't you trust me?".
Time to do it is ASAP. Unless you want to continue to listen behind doors until you finally hear what you really don't want to hear.
And do read that "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". It will explain why you're where you are and what you need to know to change it.
I think you have 2 questions that must be cleared up, and someone already mentioned one of them... 1) What traits do these guys have that drives your wife wild and that you are lacking? 2) Would she be willing to lose this client in order to save her marriage?
Considering you've overheard your wife on the phone, I think that is an easy enough to have the "Come to Jesus" talk with her over this inappropriate infatuation with this much older client. Of course, you can pull a 180 on her and start getting yourself into shape (if you let yourself go), change your looks and distancing yourself from her a little. Cut her off from some of your emotional support. But I'd also let her know that you know that she obsesses over this older man and that she needs to make a choice - you or him. Even if she thinks it's trivial, you need to convince her that this is extremely important to you. Start demanding that she recognizes you as her lover first and foremost, and if she can't do that then she needs to learn what she will be throwing away by trivializing you.
I wanted to thank all of you who took the time to write. There is a lot of value as to what has been posted and I am taking all of your posts to heart. As far as the trait which I don't have, she loves guys with grey hair. I am a very young looking 43 year old. There is no issue with being out of shape it is just that she is attracted to the older distinguished gentleman look.
Last night I confronted her with all of this and told her I had read the email. She was very sorry about what she had wrote and that I had read it. In her mind, she sees it as talk between her and her girlfriend and that she did not cross the line as she has not had any inappropriate communication with the client and would never do so. I told her I don't care about whether it was communicated but that she in fact feels this way and wrote it down. We spoke about it for an hour and I believe she got the point how upsetting this was to me.
This morning, she attempted to initiate sex. I was completely unresponsive. I got out of bed and took a shower and got ready for work. Before work, I went up to her like I usually do and gave her a kiss and told her that I loved her and left. She wrote me an email this morning again saying how sorry she was for this and that she is very happy with our life and hopes that I can forgive her. The truth is she lives like a princess as her week consists of going to the gym and taking our daughter to the pool so who wouldnt love that life. What do you guys think is the best way to handle it at this point? Part of me doesnt want to drag this out and we do have a five year old daughter so there are other concerns, but at the same time I need to lock this down as I don't want to be in the position like Costa mentioned of listening behind closed doors.
I would tell her that you are seriously thinking about divorce. Note I did not say ask for a divorce, get a divorce, or talk to a lawyer. Tell her you are seriously thinking about divorce. No other conversation.
You have to be a man and accept nothing less than a woman who fights to keep you, respects you and honors you.
What is it about the late 30's, early forties? There's so much of it (infidelity) about. It's like driving into a dark storm. There seems to be a rise in libido for many women at this time while many mens libido drops. And for some women there's the (possibly last?) opportunity to regain some 'me' time after years of being the main child carer?
I dunno but it seems a rocky time for many people around this age...
It may not seem the natural thing for some men but from reading various threads on TAM and my own experience, you need to adopt the classic 'man up' approach and not let her see quite how much hurt and worried you are - seen as weak.
Also, take a good look at yourself. Are you the best version of yourself? Are there areas you need to improve for you? Health/fitness/finance etc. Getting yourself fitter than you have been now - it seems to be a useful damage limitation exercise in these situations. Wife notices and is impressed and slightly insecure and others notice how good you're looking and if the worst happens, your confidence in yourself is higher than it would have been.