Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
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Originally Posted by donny64
True, but what's at the core of the lie makes all the difference in the world to who the lie is being told to.
I could care less that my W had a burger instead of a salad for lunch, or that her new purse cost her $100 instead of $50. No health issues, no money issues with us, so what skin is it off my back? These lies do not give me pause to think "why would she lie if there was nothing to lie about"? What's the impact?
On the other hand, lie to me about being home when you're not, or about someone not staying in your home when they in fact are...now we have a problem. A serious one. Because the lie makes me wonder "why lie if there's no reason to?", and the only logical conclusion is because something is being hidden. Something serious.
Sometimes people want to classify a little lie as a "white lie" because they themselves know nothing inappropriate is going on and it's "harmless". BUT, they're not looking at the appearance it could give to the person being lied to. If it could give the appearance of inappropriate behavior, then it IS NOT a "white lie". It's all about consideration. I'd never put my W in a place where she had to doubt me about serious things. I expect the same from her.
If a person has a value system such that they have a need to deceive about the smallest of things to cover themselves for some reason or another, they sure as heck aren’t going to be concerned with lying and deceiving about the really big things.
Personal credibility and integrity aren't optional values depending upon a given situation, they are absolute values applied to all situations.
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
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Originally Posted by CandieGirl
I try not to lie to anybody. This weekend, a friend asked me to babysit her kid on Sunday afternoon; I told her I couldn't, that I had to go to my Mom's. I felt so bad, I got my husband to drive me over to my Mom's for the afternoon....
My wife really has a hard time lying. Her mom has Alzhiemers and as the symptoms progressed, it was so difficult for my wife to lie to her mother to calm her down. She recognizes the need and does so now, but I know it is not easy.
I don't like to either, but found my self lying to my wife yesterday. I forgot my wallet at home, so had no money for lunch. My wife told me, then said she was going to come in to bring me lunch or some money. It would have been 75 minutes out of her day and required rounding up the kids. I did not want to do that to her just because I was an idiot. So, I told her I had money in my desk. Technically true, because I used the extra change to get something from the snack machine, but really a lie. I don't like the feeling so I won't do it again.
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
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Originally Posted by chasing_rainbows
wow.... so you were that "fly" on our wall?
the blame shifting/scapegoating is spot on.... i've been very clear that i just want the truth.... ugly or not.... his recent behavior has made me realize that i won't get it and i have to shift my focus to my kids and myself....
You too can learn to be the fly on your own wall!
I found that when trying to uncover “the truth” with my wife my emotions became such that they blinded me to what was actually going on. It’s like two egos locked together in the dynamic of one person trying their best to uncover the truth, the other trying their best to keep it hidden.
There’s another form of Consciousness other than the Ego Consciousness, it’s called the Observer Consciousness. It’s the eyes of that detached, uninvolved and all seeing fly on the wall. Anthony de Mello describes it and teaches it in his book Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books.
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
My wife likes to be informed. There is nothing I can't tell her, she does not get offended easily. She doesn't like sugar coating. And I don't want to lie to her. She is my soulmate.
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
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Originally Posted by SA's husband
My wife likes to be informed. There is nothing I can't tell her, she does not get offended easily. She doesn't like sugar coating. And I don't want to lie to her. She is my soulmate.
The part wher eyou mention that she does not get offended easily, that is the key point. when people are in relationships with others who do get offended easily, it makes it quite hard to be honest all of the time.
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
@SA
Well I do believe in honesty, it's just that the full 100% is very difficult to even fathom, especially in my relationship.
Sometimes one has to make sure the bunker is built before dropping the A-bombs! I only have one left for now (which is on the other thread)... and although the bomb is a substantially less destructive one, have to prevent her from breaking a nail :P hehe
A "lie" now, the truth later - at the RIGHT time
In other words
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
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Originally Posted by RandomDude
@SA
Well I do believe in honesty, it's just that the full 100% is very difficult to even fathom, especially in my relationship.
Sometimes one has to make sure the bunker is built before dropping the A-bombs! I only have one left for now (which is on the other thread)... and although the bomb is a substantially less destructive one, have to prevent her from breaking a nail :P hehe
A "lie" now, the truth later - at the RIGHT time
In other words
Hey Random, you don't have to rationalize ...I don't feel everyone needs to be like us..like your comment, some DO need the Bunker built -that was good ! ha ha
There are a few things my husband has said to me - that I just know some women would think.... ....call him disrespectful (talk about the dog house, he'd never live it down)....and things I have said to him -that would get the same response. But we ask for it. Well, I DO anyway!! He just kinda puts up with me probably.. but he swears he wouldn't change me.
It means a great deal to me that I can ask him ANYTHING, he doesn't try to dodge me, walk away or say something just to pacify me...for me, that would be so very much worse. What I give in return is ...not flipping out, listening & trying to understand anothers viewpoint.
Levels of transparency is only an issue if 1 partner starts feeling the other is being too secretive & it is causing a rising "questioning" of motives / insecurity in the relationship..... if none of that is going on, then Live & let live. Be happy!
For those who feel they have to build a Bomb shelter to be honest with their wives....well darn TELL HER this IS how you feel and until she can get a handle on handling those kinds of truths, you will be protecting yourself. I fully "get what you are saying .
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
I don't know why a lie is better than the truth...but I guess some feel justified with "not hurting her with the truth".... or "telling the truth get turned into accusations"...
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
I believe that we all keep some small things from our spouses. Especially sexual in nature. In my case, my LD wife is the vanilla sex subscriber and I like to do a lot more than that. So my porn sites may include something out of the ordinary. I don't go and give her play by play of my jerking off sessions and she doesn't care to hear it.
Is that so bad? Not IMO and I'm not out there cheating on here to get off. I've tried to introduce some of these things into our sex life but have been met with either total or partial resistance.
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
@SimplyAmorous
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It means a great deal to me that I can ask him ANYTHING, he doesn't try to dodge me, walk away or say something just to pacify me...for me, that would be so very much worse. What I give in return is ...not flipping out, listening & trying to understand anothers viewpoint.
Ah! Now that seems ideal, I guess if my wife didn't flip out, actually listened, and tried to understand before she spent a few hours running around with her hair on fire... then I might maybe consider 100% transparency.
That's the key to transparency right there. I wonder if one day she'll actually figure it out.
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For those who feel they have to build a Bomb shelter to be honest with their wives....well darn TELL HER this IS how you feel and until she can get a handle on handling those kinds of truths, you will be protecting yourself. I fully "get what you are saying .
Lol if I tell her that, the only thing that will come to her mind will be "what is he hiding?", and will try to find the bomb as soon as possible lol - and then she will be annoyed by me having the bomb in the first place.
I don't think I can be the one to help her figure it out in this it seems. But I'm also starting to see the possibility of transparency and how it can work.
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
the only things i lie about are whether or not i've eaten beef for lunch (my hubs is Hindu so i dont eat beef around him out of repsect) and how much things cost.
he's brown and "proud to be cheap" as russell peters would say... i have been known to split things up and pay with different credit cards so it's harder for him to tell how much i actually spent.
that's about it.. i'd never lie about anything important.
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
yep.. Like when I have a day off alone and he calls and asks what I'm up to, I'll say "cleaning and doing laundry"...when actually I've done nothing but sit on the computer for hours. The things is..if I said "I've done absolutely nothing productive today", he would say "good for you..you deserve a day to rest". So why lie?? for myself I guess.
and he lies to me too. Like several times a week when I ask what he ate that day because he (claims to be ) trying to eat healthier. and he always says "nothing..I was so busy at work I didn't have a chance to eat"..or "I just ate fruit". Then I find fast food wrappers and bags of chips stuffed under his car seat.
we've been lying to each other about similar stuff for 30+ years now and I can't imagine we will stop now.
and knowing that he lies about things like eating fast food does NOT make me question the bigger things in our marriage...and the same can be said when he catches me in little white lies.
for us, there are absolutely degrees of lying..those that are acceptable..and those that would be deal breakers.
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things?
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Originally Posted by tobio
My husband is a kidder. Started off being funny but drives me up the wall now! Thing is as well as being a wind-up merchant, he kids about completely inconsequential things. The trouble is with this is that often he doesn't explain away that he's fibbing and I can go on for days thinking he's told me the truth about something. I'll then bring it up a few days later saying, "we have to sort such-and-such a phone call/bill out/etc" and he'll say no we don't, I did that days ago, and I'll be like, hang on, but you said, and he'll say, no, he was joking like I'm supposed to realise he would joke about having made a really mundane phone call?
Do I lie? Not generally. I have made up stories to cover up birthday surprises and things like that but no I don't lie about small things.
Does he lie? Yes - apart from above. He has omitted to tell me things or lied or also deliberately manipulated the truth to tell me something but make it sound different if that makes sense?
I think we married the same man!
Lieing is so stupid an I wish my husband would figure that out because WHEN I catch him, it's just going to be something I use against him later.
If you feel the need to lie about something then you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place or you need to grow some balls and fight for what you want! Keep in mind that marriage is about compromise..
44Likes
Re: Do you lie to your spouse about little things? 
I only have one left for now (which is on the other thread)... and although the bomb is a substantially less destructive one, have to prevent her from breaking a nail :P hehe
....call him disrespectful (talk about the dog house, he'd never live it down)....and things I have said to him -that would get the same response. But we ask for it. Well, I DO anyway!! He just kinda puts up with me probably.. but he swears he wouldn't change me. 
