Mishy

Hi guys,

I've found this interesting article: 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully « A Shrink for Men

I think my wife is emotionally bullying me. My relationship is somewhat a rollercoaster, one day everythings is fine and we're happy, the day after who knows, she may not speak to me because I upset her over a trivial thing, or even because I have a different opinion.
This was quite shocking to me at the beginning because in every past relationship I never experienced anything like it.

The most common thing that she does to me is this (also called silent treatment):

I have somewhat learnt to deal with it without feeling bad about myself. Sometimes I get angry though, and I am not ready when she suddenly switches ("magically") to be loving again, like nothing happened. If I am not ready she switches back to silent treatment.

Another thing that happens less frequently than the one above:


And lastly:

Her behaviour is driving me insane. I feel like I'm detaching from her emotionally just to protect myself. Some days I feel so drained that I can barely sleep at night (it should be the opposite but the brain keeps working..).

I talked to ther and told her that those fights for silly reasons are pushing me away from her. Things got better for a while but then we had fights again.

I am trying to do my best to get along but what can you do when you're attacked or given the silent treatment just because your opinion is different than hers?

Any suggestion on what to do?

DocHoliday

Sorry, I am not a dude, but here is my 0.02.

Do you really think it is all her?
Do you really think you are her victim?

Try the site NMMNG. They have a pretty strong base for men who feel "bullied" by their women.

If I understand the premise of the site well enough, the first thing you must consider is that the problem my lie (maybe just a little) with you and your actions.

The site advice is free.

Mishy

I know the site and the book.

It's pretty difficult to deal with someone to accept that I am doing something wrong just because I said "I like green" and she does not like it. And as a consequence I am ignored and not spoken to for a day or two.

Tell me where is my fault there.

Runs like Dog

One through six, check. Seven, no but seven and eight are the same thing. Eight through ten, check. A classic paranoid psychopath

__________________
fight back

DocHoliday

Sheee.

I can't tell you where your "faults" are from a paragraph, without hearing both sides. And even at that, it would only be my opinion.

I just am familiar with that site, and they have quite a few posters who describe the same things you do.

Good luck to you.

Ten_year_hubby

Mishy,

You are off to a good start with the three actions you describe here. First you detach yourself emotionally to the point where you are not being hurt. Next, you strengthen yourself by understanding why she is able to hurt you and making a choice not to allow yourself to be hurt by whatever she is doing. Then you are ready to ask her to quit doing these things, whatever they are.

Meanwhile, it would help you a lot if you could understand why she does this in the first place. This is usually due to childhood hurt or bad previous relationships. What kind of relationship did she have with her father growing up?

bribrius

my wife called me a "insensitive ****" today.

i kind of prefer this reaction from her than the back and forth stuff.
i actually do listen to her, but i dont let her know it. i dont want to play into it.

thunderstruck

Sounds like your emotional hose is strongly connected to her. My W hits on a lot of that list, and it's been a long struggle for me to learn how to deal with her. Do the NMMNG exercises from the book and post at the forum. Read Codependent No More, The Way of The Superior Man, and Hold On To Your Nuts.

When she goes off on you, STFU and listen for some nuggets of truth in there. You may actually learn what's bugging her. BUT...don't accept disrespect. If she starts yelling or name calling, the conversation is over. Tell her that you refuse to be spoken to that way, STFU and walk off.

Why do you stay in this marriage?

__________________
Instant karma's gonna get you. -Lennon

Mishy

Thank you guys for the replies and useful inputs.

@Ten Year Hubby
I think she acts this way due to her childhood. Her dad was in the military at the time and the family was moving across the country every few years to follow him.Dad was not home much due to his job. She became her mom's "confidante" at a young age. She is still now, her mom complains about everything in emails and my wife has to respond pronto, or she would be "punished".
There is more to this but I don't have the time to write it all, but what I wrote should give you an idea of how things were in here family.

@ bribius. Do you fight often with your wife? Do you make any effort not to fight, but at the same time to be firm with your choices?


@ thunderstruck

We married less than a year ago. I believe there is still room for improvement, and that we can solve this, this is why I stay. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows.

For the disrespect, you are 100% right. I remember a few months ago she called me "jerk" a couple of times and she thought it was funny. For me it wasn't. English is not my mother tongue and sometimes it's difficult for me to understand everything.
I told her not to call me "jerk" and she said ok but she minimized the whole thing. Then she did it again when we were out with the dog. I got upset and told her not to do it again, then I went home. She apologized and never called me jerk again.

The sad thing is that I feel I never have to let the my guard down, it's like I am always on test. Pretty difficult to relax.
I am a foregner and I left my country to be with her, despite my marriage having ups and downs I like where I am a lot.

Ten_year_hubby

So her dad was detached and her mom made her into a spouse substitute while she was still a child.

An outside relationship based on listening to another's complaining is going to destabilize your marriage, especially if the complainer is a parent. You need to help your wife realize that this relationship is unhealthy. I would suggest a ban on complaining and listening to others who complain since no real good can come from this. Your wife should certainly have a relationship with her mom but she can't allow a parent to fill her up with their complaints.

ShawnD

I'm guessing 90% or more of the article was paraphrased from the wiki page for Borderline Personality Disorder.

DSM criteria:
#6 on the above list should be explained. "Affect" has a special meaning in psychology.
Affect (psychology) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
In simple terms, affect is how a person responds to things. Positive affect means a person is more likely to take things in stride, and problems can be approached with some degree of optimism. Negative affect means a person's mood can quickly change from positive to negative in response to minor problems. Having inconsistent affect means that your behavior is fairly unpredictable. On a day of positive affect, criticism can lead to good conversations. On a day of negative affect, asking them to do something simple like turn down the volume of the TV can be enough to make them explode and start yelling.

Mishy

You are right. I taked to her several times about limiting contacts with her mom. She always does for a while but then switches back to the old behaviour.
She also seems not to be able to commit to some things, for example she decided to go for a walk or a run every morning to be healthy, she did it for a week then stopped, making up excuses when I asked her about the change. Same things on other activities we did together, like walking the dog or go for a bike ride. Now I do those things alone, there is no way to change her mind without going into a fight.

I wish I knew this side of her one year ago.

RandomDude

I was an emotional bully for years, always starting fights and putting my wife through rollercoasters. I had my reasons though, most of the time just to orchestrate "breaks" so I can have my space. My wife has fought back repeatedly, and she herself can be rather manipulative and sinister. We were both like incubus and succubus, demons in love.

Thankfully, we've both grown up, and glad that we grew up together, not apart. We've become stronger because of it.

Mishy

That's great RandomDude, you are giving me hope.
How did you manage that? Did you talk about it?Did you go to counseling?

diwali123

Yes sounds very BPD to me.
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