My W was diagnosed with vulvodynia a few years ago. Like any chronic condition it needs to be managed. Four really bad things took this condition from mild to severe.
- She did not consistently avoid jeans/other snug pants
- We did not consistently do the “super slow” penetration at the start of intercourse
- We did not consistently use lubricants because she dislikes standard gel based lubricants because they feel “icky”. It was only recently that we found that olive oil is a great lubricant and is not "icky"
- I would ask at the start of intercourse whether it hurt, and typically it didn’t. But it would start to hurt as we went along and she would not tell me so the last few minutes of sex often really hurt her. This created a bad feedback loop causing her to be anxious about sex and tense when we had sex making the whole thing worse.
She had seen her ob/gyn a couple times but didn’t over the prior year but for some reason that doctor had no suggestions for her other than use a standard lubricant.
I own my share of this. She didn’t want to tell me mid-connection that it hurt, because she was afraid I would react badly. It doesn’t matter that she was wrong about that, it only matters that she believed it strongly enough not to tell me.
By January of this year when she visited a specialist her condition had gotten to the point where pain had caused us to stop having sex. And she sometimes had pain just walking around during the day. The specialist did a "q tip" test and told her that 75% of the "contact" area for intercourse was hyper-sensitive. And that some of the outer area was also sensitized mainly by the friction caused by tight clothing.
This specialist was great. He gave her:
1. topical gabapentin for twice daily use
2. lidocaine when needed
3. A MASSIVE CTJ conversation about wearing loose shorts, or skirts and dresses. Told her jeans and snug pants were a no no, and she should give away what she had to charity. I had told her this before, but every once in a while she would wear tight pants a few days in a row.
4. A set of 5 dilators
She did dilator 1, then 2 and then jumped straight to 5 in February. Patience has never been a strength for her. Jumping to 5 was a big set back, hurt a lot and so and she stopped with the dilators. In March, we had one conversation on this topic which she initiated while I was on a business trip. She broke down and told me I should leave her because she was “broken” and could no longer provide me with a “normal” sex life. Told me that she knew I couldn’t be happy without sex. I told her that:
- Bill Clinton is the only adult in the free world who’s definition of “sex” is limited to intercourse.
- I was perfectly fine with our alternative sex life.
- She wasn’t getting rid of me that easily
- From what I read about vulvodynia I felt we were both lucky that it was not causing her pain during “day to day” life.
The gabapentin is great stuff and it really made a difference. And she completely stopped wearing tight bottoms of any kind. And every time she apologized for our limited sex life I responded in the same way:
- We are both very lucky this condition is not disrupting basic “day to day” life and is no longer causing her pain outside the context of intercourse. I love that we can play hours of tennis and she has no pain.
- She makes an effort for us to maintain a frequent non-intercourse based sex life
- I miss having “sex” too but have no desire to have painful (for her) sex
- I accepted that part (intercourse) of life was over (because I really thought it was)
Without telling me she made a follow up appointment for early last week. He did the q-tip test and told her to forget the dilators, to go home and have sex with me. He was very specific:
- 10 minutes before showtime, put in the lidocaine
- Use lots of olive oil (extra virgin)
- She was to start out on top and stay on top, go very slow on entry
- Relax, it isn’t going to hurt and you will be glad you listened to me
Tuesday night I called in from my business trip and she told me I was going to get a surprise this weekend. She didn’t mention her doctors appointment. I had no idea what was coming.
Friday night I came home and she told me we were going to have sex - doctors orders. I told her that I would do my bit for God and Country provided she immediately told me if it hurt. And that if she did not do that, I was going to hide her Ipad somewhere that she couldn’t find it. She promised.
We started to play and after a while I could feel her beginning to radiate anxiety. Doctor or no doctor she has developed an association between sex and pain. I told her we could just play and skip the sex. I meant it and she could tell. She asked me “how does it help to put this off until tomorrow? It has been 9 months, we need to try”. I repeated that we could wait. She started kissing me, and I felt her relax, and start getting more and more turned on (yeah). She had an O, and after that we connected and she said it felt nice and didn’t hurt at all (lidocaine works). More important it didn’t hurt when the lidocaine wore off. Saturday night was a repeat performance. And again today.
Just as good, Friday night she WANTED me, and had an O. Saturday she wanted to keep the momentum. And today she Monday she wanted to again and had another O.
I learned a few things on Saturday. It took the doctor being super blunt about clothing to get her to give up slacks. I had always wondered why she was so resistant on that point when it so clearly contributed to the problem. She has always had this “tomboy lite” thing. Dresses and skirts were for church and other “non-casual” social events like dinner parties. Pants and shorts were for all other situations. She loves blue jeans and looks great in them. This is a hardwired preference. She is always groomed very nicely and has a neat/put together look, just in a tomboyish way. So she resisted making this change until January when the Doc told her she had to. Saturday she told me that she finally accepted it and hasn’t worn pants since.
- She did not consistently avoid jeans/other snug pants
- We did not consistently do the “super slow” penetration at the start of intercourse
- We did not consistently use lubricants because she dislikes standard gel based lubricants because they feel “icky”. It was only recently that we found that olive oil is a great lubricant and is not "icky"
- I would ask at the start of intercourse whether it hurt, and typically it didn’t. But it would start to hurt as we went along and she would not tell me so the last few minutes of sex often really hurt her. This created a bad feedback loop causing her to be anxious about sex and tense when we had sex making the whole thing worse.
She had seen her ob/gyn a couple times but didn’t over the prior year but for some reason that doctor had no suggestions for her other than use a standard lubricant.
I own my share of this. She didn’t want to tell me mid-connection that it hurt, because she was afraid I would react badly. It doesn’t matter that she was wrong about that, it only matters that she believed it strongly enough not to tell me.
By January of this year when she visited a specialist her condition had gotten to the point where pain had caused us to stop having sex. And she sometimes had pain just walking around during the day. The specialist did a "q tip" test and told her that 75% of the "contact" area for intercourse was hyper-sensitive. And that some of the outer area was also sensitized mainly by the friction caused by tight clothing.
This specialist was great. He gave her:
1. topical gabapentin for twice daily use
2. lidocaine when needed
3. A MASSIVE CTJ conversation about wearing loose shorts, or skirts and dresses. Told her jeans and snug pants were a no no, and she should give away what she had to charity. I had told her this before, but every once in a while she would wear tight pants a few days in a row.
4. A set of 5 dilators
She did dilator 1, then 2 and then jumped straight to 5 in February. Patience has never been a strength for her. Jumping to 5 was a big set back, hurt a lot and so and she stopped with the dilators. In March, we had one conversation on this topic which she initiated while I was on a business trip. She broke down and told me I should leave her because she was “broken” and could no longer provide me with a “normal” sex life. Told me that she knew I couldn’t be happy without sex. I told her that:
- Bill Clinton is the only adult in the free world who’s definition of “sex” is limited to intercourse.
- I was perfectly fine with our alternative sex life.
- She wasn’t getting rid of me that easily
- From what I read about vulvodynia I felt we were both lucky that it was not causing her pain during “day to day” life.
The gabapentin is great stuff and it really made a difference. And she completely stopped wearing tight bottoms of any kind. And every time she apologized for our limited sex life I responded in the same way:
- We are both very lucky this condition is not disrupting basic “day to day” life and is no longer causing her pain outside the context of intercourse. I love that we can play hours of tennis and she has no pain.
- She makes an effort for us to maintain a frequent non-intercourse based sex life
- I miss having “sex” too but have no desire to have painful (for her) sex
- I accepted that part (intercourse) of life was over (because I really thought it was)
Without telling me she made a follow up appointment for early last week. He did the q-tip test and told her to forget the dilators, to go home and have sex with me. He was very specific:
- 10 minutes before showtime, put in the lidocaine
- Use lots of olive oil (extra virgin)
- She was to start out on top and stay on top, go very slow on entry
- Relax, it isn’t going to hurt and you will be glad you listened to me
Tuesday night I called in from my business trip and she told me I was going to get a surprise this weekend. She didn’t mention her doctors appointment. I had no idea what was coming.
Friday night I came home and she told me we were going to have sex - doctors orders. I told her that I would do my bit for God and Country provided she immediately told me if it hurt. And that if she did not do that, I was going to hide her Ipad somewhere that she couldn’t find it. She promised.
We started to play and after a while I could feel her beginning to radiate anxiety. Doctor or no doctor she has developed an association between sex and pain. I told her we could just play and skip the sex. I meant it and she could tell. She asked me “how does it help to put this off until tomorrow? It has been 9 months, we need to try”. I repeated that we could wait. She started kissing me, and I felt her relax, and start getting more and more turned on (yeah). She had an O, and after that we connected and she said it felt nice and didn’t hurt at all (lidocaine works). More important it didn’t hurt when the lidocaine wore off. Saturday night was a repeat performance. And again today.
Just as good, Friday night she WANTED me, and had an O. Saturday she wanted to keep the momentum. And today she Monday she wanted to again and had another O.
I learned a few things on Saturday. It took the doctor being super blunt about clothing to get her to give up slacks. I had always wondered why she was so resistant on that point when it so clearly contributed to the problem. She has always had this “tomboy lite” thing. Dresses and skirts were for church and other “non-casual” social events like dinner parties. Pants and shorts were for all other situations. She loves blue jeans and looks great in them. This is a hardwired preference. She is always groomed very nicely and has a neat/put together look, just in a tomboyish way. So she resisted making this change until January when the Doc told her she had to. Saturday she told me that she finally accepted it and hasn’t worn pants since.