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post #16 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-04-2012, 08:45 PM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

I love it when my wife dresses up and looks her best, I don't really see the problem, but all men are different
Then again I'm a bit of an exhibitionist lol

My wife gets looks all the time, and she tells me EVERYTHING about it including their attempted flirts which I find quite funny - and even funnier still - what she says back to them

I don't tell her my stories however, I don't trust that she can remain calm enough - most of the time she'll end up wanting to take their heads off!!! She calls the women hitting on me "harpies" swooping down on her man.
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post #17 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-04-2012, 11:09 PM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

My wife dresses classy conservative. Zero revealing more like a church girl. Usually long dresses. I kind of like it. And she is beautiful anyway so she makes me look good (and respectable).

But i posted before, that i kind of look at her as representing me. so i want her to look respectable. she is like the family liason.

The goods she is hiding under there (not that you cant tell anyway by seeing the curves) is for my eyes only.
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post #18 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 04:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

Quote:
fact is you are insecure in your personality and all you got is your looks.
This is a bit of a rash judgement I would say. Yes, I have had self-esteem issues — as I already stated before — and I am aware that I am not the most confident person. But these days I'm pretty darn confident compared to what I used to be: I'm confident about my looks, about my personality and about my style. Which is why I'm not afraid of letting it show.

I have no reason to prove to you that looks is not all I have. You haven't even seen me, so your view of me is not really based on facts anyway. I have diplomas, references, friends and family who could prove you otherwise, but for me that's not relevant for this discussion.

But I do agree that I shouldn't dress too revealingly because I am married and that should in some way mean that my assets are for my husbands eye's only. The line between toning it down and ending up feeling like my husband controls my wardrobe is not however perfectly clear to me.

Also one thing to note: I am not complaining about the attention. For 85% of the time I don't even notice it. I don't dress for men to look at, I don't even notice if they do. My husband notices. And minds. I don't dress like I'm a product on the meet market, I dress like any young lady in my town dresses like, and much more modest than many of them. I'm 24 and my H is 28.

I don't think I'm a goddess, I'm not Playboy hot, but I'm fit and cute looking. I said I'm hot just because that is the short way to explain: I wear short skirts, but I have the legs to pull it off. And I guess these days, after years of abusing my body, I'm finally friends with it. It's not perfect nor will it ever be, and doesn't have to. But I like it. So to me I look hot.

Anyway as I said before I will be putting the short skirts on hold for now and wear other kinds of clothes that still express my personality.

Thank you all for your comments, they gave me a lot to think about.

Btw, I have read His Needs Her Needs, but somehow it didn't strike a chord with me. Best book for relationship problems that I've found is The High Conflict Couple. Have also read a ton of others and found some useful. Husband is not a reader but some of the info has trickled down to him. I'm also currently in IC for my own problems with talking about feelings and my boundarilessness, which date back to my FOO. Wish my H would agree to CC but that's a no go.

So we're working on it. Not always so effectively, but we are.
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post #19 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 06:01 AM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

If these questions are too personal, I apologize. I am trying to relate what I have read to my personal experience and maybe glean some knowledge. Who knows, maybe you will see something that will help you?


What kind of work does your husband do?
What kind of work do you do?
Where do you see yourself living in five or ten years?
What kind of lifestyle(home,friends,after work activities) would you like?
Where would you like to vacation and when was the last time you did?
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post #20 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 07:22 AM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

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Originally Posted by tiredandout View Post
This is a bit of a rash judgement I would say. Yes, I have had self-esteem issues — as I already stated before — and I am aware that I am not the most confident person. But these days I'm pretty darn confident compared to what I used to be: I'm confident about my looks, about my personality and about my style. Which is why I'm not afraid of letting it show.

I have no reason to prove to you that looks is not all I have. You haven't even seen me, so your view of me is not really based on facts anyway. I have diplomas, references, friends and family who could prove you otherwise, but for me that's not relevant for this discussion.

But I do agree that I shouldn't dress too revealingly because I am married and that should in some way mean that my assets are for my husbands eye's only. The line between toning it down and ending up feeling like my husband controls my wardrobe is not however perfectly clear to me.

Also one thing to note: I am not complaining about the attention. For 85% of the time I don't even notice it. I don't dress for men to look at, I don't even notice if they do. My husband notices. And minds. I don't dress like I'm a product on the meet market, I dress like any young lady in my town dresses like, and much more modest than many of them. I'm 24 and my H is 28.

I don't think I'm a goddess, I'm not Playboy hot, but I'm fit and cute looking. I said I'm hot just because that is the short way to explain: I wear short skirts, but I have the legs to pull it off. And I guess these days, after years of abusing my body, I'm finally friends with it. It's not perfect nor will it ever be, and doesn't have to. But I like it. So to me I look hot.

Anyway as I said before I will be putting the short skirts on hold for now and wear other kinds of clothes that still express my personality.

Thank you all for your comments, they gave me a lot to think about.

Btw, I have read His Needs Her Needs, but somehow it didn't strike a chord with me. Best book for relationship problems that I've found is The High Conflict Couple. Have also read a ton of others and found some useful. Husband is not a reader but some of the info has trickled down to him. I'm also currently in IC for my own problems with talking about feelings and my boundarilessness, which date back to my FOO. Wish my H would agree to CC but that's a no go.

So we're working on it. Not always so effectively, but we are.
ask your hysband to give you more compliments and show you how HOT he thinks you are!


if your not wearing to reveling stuff then maybe he is just ultra conservitive. compromise is in order.

the tone of your orginal post gave me the impression you were walking around all sl*tty looking with lots of cleavage and mini skirts with no underwear.
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post #21 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 08:45 AM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

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Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
the tone of your orginal post gave me the impression you were walking around all sl*tty looking with lots of cleavage and mini skirts with no underwear.
Her original post did not give me that impression.

I do agree that her husband should compromise with her. I personally think that is is unacceptable for him to require her to just change the way she dresses.

I know that if I told my wife that she had to do this....that would not go over very well at all!!
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post #22 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 09:33 AM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

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Originally Posted by hubbyfetish View Post
Her original post did not give me that impression.

I do agree that her husband should compromise with her. I personally think that is is unacceptable for him to require her to just change the way she dresses.

I know that if I told my wife that she had to do this....that would not go over very well at all!!
I guess it was the I'm HOT comment.

classy for everybody else and tramp for me works best.
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post #23 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 11:59 AM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

If you take into consideration the fact that your husband feels you becoming increasingly emotinally distant, than his request don't seem to be too unreasonable to me. What I mean is, if he feels he's losing you, seeing you dress more provacativly will only fuel his insecurity.
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post #24 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-06-2012, 07:27 PM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

You are seeking attention with the way you dress to be honest. That's why we dress up. To look good. To feel good. To make other women glare and make men stare. The fact is, it's making your husband uncomfortable. Your HUSBAND. Do you really need attention that badly? Is it really such a large sacrifice on your part to dress down? Your husband loves you very much and he's feeling insecure right now. Wonder why? Is there something you aren't telling us?
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post #25 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-07-2012, 09:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

Quote:
If you take into consideration the fact that your husband feels you becoming increasingly emotinally distant, than his request don't seem to be too unreasonable to me. What I mean is, if he feels he's losing you, seeing you dress more provacativly will only fuel his insecurity.
I agree with your post wholeheartedly. Perhaps my confusion and frustration over this issue stem from the fact that I didn't start dressing any more or less provacatively. I dressed the same way before we met, when we dated, on our wedding day and after that. So I felt a bit ambushed, that's all. But I do agree. And I stopped dressing in this way, to show my H that I am listening to his feelings.

Quote:
Your husband loves you very much and he's feeling insecure right now. Wonder why? Is there something you aren't telling us?
My response on the first page of this thread enlightens this a bit perhaps. I don't wonder why he's feeling insecure, I know very well. We have had a lot of trouble communication and with both of us invalidating each other's feelings. My first reaction to my H telling me about this was: "This is who I am, take it or leave it." But that stem from the fact that throughout the beginning of our marriage I hadn't felt accepted by my husband, my feelings weren't heard, and — I'll readily admit it — I had become quite resentful. We had already been starting to work on our problems but that was still very fresh. So when my husband told me he had a problem with this, with a lot of judgement in his voice and talking about how he looks down upon people who dress like me — I thought: "Also this is a problem with you? Why did you married me if you don't like the way I speak, behave or even dress?" I had been learning about boundaries, finding my own and standing up for them, and have to admit trying to implement that bundle of new information I did turn the knob all the way to "This how I do things and you'll just have to deal with it!".

Which is, of course, not the point of boundaries.

But that would be the mind-set where I was when I wrote this post.
Afterwards, with the help of responses I got from here and more communication from my husband I learned to see this matter differently. I learned to see that this was just a small matter in the bigger chain of events where both of us have hurt each other. Where we have pushed each other away and both ended up feeling that we were carrying the marriage alone. So, I caught the drift. And realized: what is a hemline in the grand scheme of things? Nothing. So, I got myself a new pair of pants (never wear them really, but why not try), a longer skirt and a new attitude.

Thank you for the feedback though, it was more then I could've expected so I didn't even manage to respond to all. I'll have to come back and look through it later.
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post #26 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-07-2012, 09:39 AM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

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Originally Posted by tiredandout View Post
Yes.

There is. And we are both aware of it at this point too. We have had problems, he has felt ignored and that I have been emotionally distant. I have. I guess because I started to feel too pressured and stressed with the demands of my H and my career, and disappointed with the fact that my husband kept refusing to take responsibility for our communication problems. I am too scared to talk about my feelings assertively, he talks about his too aggressively and attackingly for me. A lot of blaming, a lot of invalidation has taken place.

In essence, a whole bundle of mess.

What I take from this thread is that it's true, I should just concentrate on the deeper issues at hand and forget about mulling over the clothing issue. For a while I should probably keep the "sexiness" toned down, just to show DH that I have heard his feelings — but besides that still dress how I like, to show him that I will not change my whole style for him. But try not to concentrate on it. Keep dealing with the bigger picture, how our feelings have gotten hurt and educating each other about how we would like things to be. And see if we can make that happen.

I wish my husband thought like this:

But for now I think I'll have to shelf that wish and just try to fix the bigger mess here.

I guess I just got caught up with it because it is in some way pretty important to me, as dressing nicely makes me feel nice. But I should also be able to live without wearing my "sexy" skirts for a short period of time, if that helps to bring the focus back to fixing the underlying, fundamental issues in our relationship.

This was a necessary post to make and I thank you for the responses. It helps me to see this as a smaller part, a byproduct of the bigger problem, rather than another big issue to tackle and deal with. Shifting my focus off from my hemline to how to fix what is really bothering him (and me) will be more constructive. Thank you!
Men and women communicate so much differently that most people don't realize it. Oftentimes a woman will say something to her husband and use subtle cues (i.e. body language and facial expressions) to emphasize her point. She won't even realize that she is doing this, its just how she naturally communicates. Meanwhile her husband never receives those subtle cues. He doesn't realize that the message she is trying to communicate is important or misunderstands what the message actually is. Additionally, men are fixers. If they do not perceive a problem that they can fix their subconscious will frequently minimize the message. Its not overtly intentional when this happens, its just how men are built.

As an example of the major differences between how men and women communicate I read a recent study that states women can perceive 45-50 facial expression per minute. Men perceive 6-10. Furthermore, when a woman looks someone in the eye she is communicating that she is perceiving the message and understands. When a man gets looked in the eye it triggers a fight or flight reflex and that can muddy the message that is trying to be communicated. Just food for thought.
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post #27 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-07-2012, 10:07 AM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

My wife also receives a lot of attention from men and sometimes even women when she's dressed in a very sexy way. This on top of her erotic look ( been told she looks like a much prettier Tia Carrera ) gets her unsolicited flirtation wherever she goes ..... Lounges , bars and even at the grocery when she's not dressed in a sexy way.

I'm quite secure with the banter that she sometimes enjoy but often politely turns down it all depends on the couple.

From experience I know women dresses first and foremost for themselves because they want to look " nice and attractive " it's innate for us to want this acceptance and if the couple is secure with their relationship then it's all good. I , myself am very proud of my Mrs when we walk into a room or lounge since I know he desire for her from he men is there but she'll be going home with ME !
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post #28 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-07-2012, 10:26 AM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

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Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
fact is you are insecure in your personality and all you got is your looks.

dressing like that is for attrcating the oppisite sex. and if your married then you should tone it down some for the man you love.

I always find it amussing when some women is dressed provatively and then get pi$$y when she gets unwanted attention. news flash don't advertise if your not in the market.
I don't agree with this at all.

Tiredandout is not constantly wearing plunging necklines and showing all her cleavage. She is not wearing skirts right under her ass and she is not showing her stomach. There is a difference between sexy and trashy....you clearly cannot distinguish between the two.

Why should she dress like a nun so that her husband will be happy? HE is the the who is apprehensive and Tiredandout does not need to be held prisoner by her husband's controlling attitude.

My husband is insecure about other men looking at me. I know this is because of our nearly ten year age difference. While I do consider his feelings when I choose my clothes, I know I am still a young woman of 30. No matter what I wear, men are still attracted to my megawatt smile and friendly (NOT flirty) personality.

When I dress up, I like to wear heels or knee high boots. I like to wear makeup, perfume and I have regular manicures and pedicures. I guess this makes me superficial right?

It's called being a woman. We like to look nice and nobody should try to make us feel bad for that. I don't think a man should make a woman feel like she has some kind of personality flaw because she is concerned about vanity. If that was true, than most women are "insecure in our personalities."
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post #29 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-07-2012, 10:50 AM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

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You are seeking attention with the way you dress to be honest. That's why we dress up. To look good. To feel good. To make other women glare and make men stare. The fact is, it's making your husband uncomfortable. Your HUSBAND. Do you really need attention that badly? Is it really such a large sacrifice on your part to dress down? Your husband loves you very much and he's feeling insecure right now. Wonder why? Is there something you aren't telling us?
So she should just do whatever her husband wants all the time?
Why is he so much more important than her?

He doesn't seem to care that he is too aggressive and makes tiredandout feel attacked. Why is it okay for him to make her feel uncomfortable but not the other way around?

It might be helpful to look at ALL possibilities before making absolute statements. There are always three sides to every story; my side, your side and the truth which often lies in between.

I hope you don't feel too angry about what I just posted.
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post #30 of 53 (permalink) Old 10-07-2012, 04:28 PM
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Re: Husband insecure about the way I dress

Hmm, I wouldn't call a man insecure over it. Most of the time women start dressing like that out of nowhere is so they can draw the attention of other men.

Its kinda like when women don't like their boyfriends/husbands making eye contact with every attractive woman in a building.

You can argue that its different than the clothes, but not really. Its something bachelorhood leaves behind on many men so its pretty natural to do so.(at least before your woman calls you out on it)

All in all the act itself isn't bad or anything, but combined with relationship problems its definitely a cause for concern at the least
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