Re: Losing my marriage
I wouldn't stop at just marriage counseling. Facing a potentially fatal disease is not easy. Depression is a common result of a poor prognosis. She needs help dealing with what her life is now, and she needs an outlet that does not endanger her primary relationship.
IMHO she needs counseling on her own before the two of you can start marriage counseling. Without it the process will likely be more painful than necessary for both you and your daughter. Often kids feel the affect the worst. Be very wary if your wife starts to compete with her daughter for your affection.
I think you do need relationship counseling. I think it would help exponentially, but I think she needs to attend to her confidence issues first so that marriage counseling does not risk poorer than necessary outcomes. This, however, does not absolve you of your responsibility for your own behaviors in any way.
I hear how you feel about being around your wife when she's hypercritical. It can be hard to be strong enough to handle supporting her when you don't feel she's supporting you. You might have to ask your battle-buddy for some help and emotional support. Just don't let anyone tell your CO that you're masturbating. I understand it. The world understands it. Your buddy understands it, but the Army doesn't.
I know you can understand the distinction.
If there's any way you can apply for family emergency exemption, please do so. Deployment right now will be very hard on her, even if she comes with you. Being uprooted, I think, is not what she needs right now. I know how hard that can be, but it won't kill your career, though it might put it on hold for a while.
The VA is improving the waitlist for psychological services, and have been for a while. They're still adding a large number of good docs to handle the backlog.
I suggest, however, that you use out-department services for marriage counseling so that what you say in session does NOT become part of your service record. If you live close to a major university almost all of them offer relationship and client counseling to the public on a sliding scale that even military families can afford.
It's hard, I know. But we take care of our own.
Just one more thing: if she hits you, slaps you, starts to threaten you, leave and report it. Make sure you CO knows even if you have to send him a letter stapled to the police report. This is no BS. Don't go back until it's documented, and the both of you are in relationship counseling.
A lot of good men and women in uniform have been caught in that trap. Protect your daughter first, then yourself, then your wife, then your country. Nobody wins any other way.