We have been married for 5 years this Aug. 2 beautiful boys who are 2 and 3 y/o. About a year ago I was offered a promotion but involved a transfer. Talking through it with my wife, she would not say no and she would not say yes. I know 100% she didnt want to move. We want on vacation back home and the day before we were to leave, she asked if she could say. It was not the first time, and I said yes, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY with plans for her to return a week later. Well things happened and she needed to say a while longer (family medical issues and lots of them). So today after a doctors appt for a family member she called and said she was not ready to come home. She needed to figure out some things. She was not happy.
Get home tonight and have a long talk with her. Come to find out she went out with some friends camping, which I was fine with, and her ex bf was there as well. I knew shortly after we married that she was not completly over him. But after a few years, I didnt think it was an issue anymore. Well......she was never over him. He is now going through a divorice.
She also says in this talk tonight, she loves me, but is not in love. She says we never fight, we can communicate great, and I agree. She also says she is not sexually attracted to me anymore. She says she feels like she is married to her best friend.
I try to give my family everything they want and need. Good home, good food, good times.
She is not sure that she even wants to work on it. She doesnt know. I have committed to her to do anything I can to save this marriage. But only if she is willing to put forth the effort too. She is thinking about it and feels like she wants to. I also know she got off her Lexapro about a week ago. I will go to councelling, I will move, I will quit my job. Her plans in the short term are unknown. I asked her to get back on her Lexapro, go talk to a counceller and I think she is going to do it.
When I asked her what her mom thought, she lost it. Her mom is totally disappointed in her. Her brother who she is staying with dropped his jaw. And asked her WTF?
I have faults, she has made me aware of those and I agree I need to do something about those.
I am committed to making this work. I dont think she is or has not made up her mind yet what to do.
I let her go back home more frequently now that I pulled her away from her friends, her job and her school when we moved. But every time she goes back home it is harder to get her to come back to me. Both of our families live in the same town and they all get along great.
She is missing something I our relationship and she doesnt know what it is. She doesnt know what she wants.
I want her to be happy, but I also wont give up on something like marriage easily and I wont force her to come back to me.
I am home almost everynight, very little work travel. We go to the Y, we work in the yard, we travel. It isnt like we dont spend time together. I think she holds a very large grudge to me for making her move. But my answer to that was, you wouldnt say no, we agreed to 1 year trial, we agreed to allow you not to work, we agreed for you to travel back home more frequently.
What do I do?
this is a tough one, you sound like a great guy and her family knows that.
She seems unstable, doesn't know what she wants from life, who really does?
Some people have a hard time with moving, if this is her first move I imagine she has a hard time dealing with it. depression anxiety.
how old are both of you? Still in your 20's?
I think she wants life "the way it used to be" and was never prepared for life without her family and is having a hard time adjusting.
Try the consulling see if it works, but if she is still not attracted or having issues then get a divorce and remain friends with her. Find someone that will enjoy the fine man you seem to be, trust me allot of women would like a understanding guy like you.
You can still remain friends with her family, put your children first.
GAsoccerman has given you great advice. Make sure she gets counseling--individual, to help her sort out what she wants. But if she married you without being over the former bf, I think it is a huge red flag. I'm so sorry for you--this is really not your fault and her willingness to marry you is a sign she really wanted to love you and make it work, even if it turns out she made a mistake in making that decision. If it comes to ending the marriage, let her go gracefully out of your love for your kids and for what she gave you when married. Very hard when you are hurting, but you will be a happier person and your kids will fare MUCH better if you can do this. Good luck.
If you think she went on the camping trip and didn't have some kind of interaction with the ex-BF then your bong water is bad. The love you but not in love with you is the first clue, the not sexually attracted to you is the next...don't know how many more you need before you figure out it was the butcher in the parlor with a candlestick.
If she isn't willing to work on saving the marriage then let it go, don't drag it out and live with constant heartache. make an exit plan and go.
If she is willing to work on things then consider moving back to where you are from...
Is it me, or do you feel a bit more went on than camping, like the relighting and possible flaming of an old candle.
Plenty of advice issued her, but it appears time to move on my friend.
Get home tonight and have a long talk with her. Come to find out she went out with some friends camping, which I was fine with, and her ex bf was there as well. I knew shortly after we married that she was not completly over him. But after a few years, I didnt think it was an issue anymore. Well......she was never over him. He is now going through a divorice.
I'm going through a similar situation - had the ILYB... about a week ago but we have decided to try and make it work. I feel gutted and swing from positive to negative with alarming reqularity, she seems a little distant but we are still making plans for the future and talking regularly - I work away from home during the week so this is a bit difficult.
How have things panned out for you? Any tips one what works and what doesn't work? It's so hard to know what to do for the best - I just want the closeness back, I had no idea she felt this way until she told me by the way so I don't know if I can believe what she says to me and I keep looking for signs of affection from her although she has said just be yourself.
Painful, painful stuff. Sorry to hear, my friend. I would disagree with those telling you to get out, make an exit plan, etc. Stick with your plan to fight for the marriage. Somebody (probably not you) needs to tell her that (1) she made a covenant with you to become one until death, (2) she has two boys to think about over her fleeting happiness, and (3) her ex-boyfriend is NOT going to provide whatever happiness or completion that she is seeking.
I'll recommend the same book to you that I did to hombre: Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. It really puts things in perspective.
Man, I have seen this situation soooooo many times. Ye, lots of counseling and if that does not work, at least you know you're not the F*** up. Sorry to say that so harsh but chicks are plotters. Your happiness or 10 years added onto your life in 1 year? And plus i bet you that if you do get divorced and they were together for 18 months, she will end up coming back a huge huge mess. I kinda pulled the same thing on my wife and I regret it! I should have never looked at another girl whatsoever, but I let it lust and grow in my head. I really honestly think that her telling you that "she is not sexually attracted to you" is a bunch of BS from her. In fact she is telling you excuses because she wants her way. That's from personal experience. Now there are trust issues, nightmares, the random girl popping up and her breaking down, tried counseling and that went to crap, and now she says I whine to much about how she is not intimate enough and affectionate. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. AH HAH! yep it all goes deeper. I left because of that and found out I probably could be without her, but we have a 5 year old daughter. Oh and she has not had a job for 6 years so that is another reason. No motivation. I could go on and on but try the counseling.
Umm I'll translate : "Tap it one more time" have sexual relations with her one last time. "Take pix" Take pictures of the act, possibly for any number of reasons, most of them nefarious. Maybe post em on the web, send em to her new boyfriend, send em to her friends..or maybe so you have something to remember her by. Aside from all the other photos and emotional scars you already have..and the child.
gas, I am going through the same kind of thing right now. My wife took the kids and left a month ago. I tried everything I could think of at first to have them come home, to no aval. then I realised that by holding on so tight I was pushing them away farther. Sence then she has rented an apartment and agreed to go to counceling. Now I try to give her the space she needs and when we talk I try not to bring up anything to deep, I save that for counceling, if I can. She will actually let me hold her hand and I actually got a small kiss the last time I saw her. I found a book online (Save my marriage: What to do when your spouse says "Idon't love you anymore!")that helped me put some things into perspective. I wish you the best of luck.
Bomb dropped 
