My husband and I have been married almost a year now and since we first got married I found out my husband had a foot fetish. I don't mind so much, I try to incorporate it in our sex life. When we first got married i found out he was looking at online sites like youtube to watch his movies. The first time I confronted him, told him I feel like he's replacing me to do this. He said it wasn't like that and kept doing it. After a few more weeks I confronted him again and asked him to stop, he said he doesn't know why I feel like I do but said he would stop because he loves me, I caught him again. So long story short we've been going through this on-going struggle. The last time I caught him about a month ago I told him if he was going to watch his movies he better make it good because that'll be the last time in my house. He tells me that I can trust him not to do anything because he loves me and respects me enough not to go there. Everytime I catch him, it gets back on my because I was going through his stuff so it's my fault. I've told him so many times, I've asked him and it doesn't seem to get me anywhere. I don't know what to do from here, I saw on his computer history this morning that he's been there recently. I know I'm being nosey but how can I trust him if he keeps doing what he tells me he won't?
This sounds to me like the same problem as when struggling with pornography in a marriage. Without making excuses for him, he has an addiction to something that is not easily overcome. This is especially true since it is so easy to regress with content being so easily accessable.
He will need help...from you, from trusted guy friends/mentors, and from software that will help remove the easy access (like Covenant Eyes). If he wants to fight it, he needs to find two trusted guys that will help hold him accountable. They can also play a part with Covenant Eyes, which requires accountability partners. Even then, it will be a struggle.
I don't see your part as holding him accountable, although if you find evidence of him wandering I don't think you should feel bad about bringing it to light. He may lash out, so try and respond in love and concern.
For me, it was not enough to simply try and obstain from satisfying my addiction. I had to replace it with something stronger and more positive. I firmly believe that Scripture has answers for everything, and this case is no different. In the fourth chapter of Philippians, it teaches that the way to avoid wrong behavior is by replacing thoughts with things that are good (vs. 8). You may not believe in the Bible, but the principle can still be applied. Whenever he thinks thoughts that lead him toward safisying his urges, he should replace those thoughts with other positive thoughts (you, his family, helping others, etc.)
Obviously, this has to be something he wants to do and will be faithful in trying. He will not be perfect, but hopefully will struggle less and less as he overcomes. I personally do not subscribe to the theory that you can satisfy his wanderings (sorry, makeyourwifehot). I think that will only compound the problem and result in you growing more hurt and resentful when it doesn't satisfy him. Not to say you can't incorporate feet in your relations, but don't expect that to keep him from straying. They are separate issues.
The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
I've been in computers for over 30 years. You can live without one, but not well in our society; it will put you behind the curve of your comtemporaries. And keeping one's kids from them cripples them for their future.
So I certainly wouldn't call computers a "new thing". DVDs are much newer than computers. Don't blame the technology.
Using them improperly, however, is a problem. But the same principle applies to DVDs, movies, tapes, etc. Would you eliminate those, too?
It's not computers that are the "problem". Before computers, there was VHS, Betamax, before that 8mm films, before that books. There will always be porn (however you define that).
The "problem" comes from the unknown or unexpected (e.g. discovering a foot fetish after marriage). It's managing the fetish that we need to learn. Or seeking counseling on how to deal with it.
There are far worse things than a foot fetish. Try wearing sexy stockings, booties, shoes. As long as he's staying at home, he's still yours.
You don't shoot the messenger (computer), as the messenger isn't the issue.
My dh has a boob fetish. He doesn't just "like" boobs, he is WAY over the top! Won't go into details...
Any fetish, whether it be boobs, feet, or tushes, is a bit disconcerting as it is out of the "normal" spectrum.
For me, dealing with it is sometimes difficult because nearly every woman on the planet has a pair on her chest and dh has to stare at every pair. It is truly sad, because he can't control it, I suppose. But it isn't MY issue, it is his issue. I am not the weird one, he is.
Rather than get him to crush his foot fetish altogether, you would make him very happy if you got him to "manage" it better. When you give someone true freedom, so much tension evaporates that the fetish can slacken off. Being denied access to a fetish only makes the desire for it stronger.
There is such a thing as a boob fetish? And a tush fetish? Is everything that someone may like or find attractive a fetish these days? Personally, I have a dozen or so I guess. Thai food fetish, video game fetish, boobs, butts, legs, feet, ears...I guess Im a degenerate:P
Seriously though, as far as actual fetishes go, a foot fetish is probably the least offensive. Be happy it was BDSM or something like that. Perhaps you should try to enjoy it with him, instead of making him feel like a sexual predator. You might find it fun, or enjoy it, and at the same time, you'll develop better communication with him about it and have an easier time limiting how much foot trafficking he does without you.
This seems to be a common way for people to deal with parts of loved ones they dont understand or like. In my opinion, making him feel wrong or guilty for what he is, is the same as if he resented you for doing your nails or styling your hair a certain way...It's part of who he is. That man you married and the man you love..loves feet. Love all of him. Love feet with him. He'll love feet with you. And you'll both be better for it.
My question is, if you keep telling him never again and then let him do it again and again, what's the point of your threats?
He knows the dance. He's willing to go through it with you. He's not even trying to cover up the evidence which would be extremely easy. So he knows every so often you'll get all bent out of shape, there will be this argument where you each say your scripted parts, and that will be that until next time.
If you want something to be different, you are going to actually have to DO something different. It will either be to accomodate his fetish or to learn to ignore it or to divorce him. I really don't see a lot of other choices. He's not going to give it up on his own and he's not sure he even wants to. Why should he? Those fights aren't as bad as what he gets out of it is good.
He won't even accept that what he's doing is a problem. So he won't go to seek "help". You only ask for help when you think something is a problem.
If you want this to be a real problem, leave him. Give him a reason to reexamine what he's doing. But the way things are, this could go on forever.