Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »The Men's Clubhouse » Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

Like Tree34Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-23-2013, 07:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2
Default Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

My husband and I are in a very complicated situation and we could use some advice.

We have been married for 8 years, I am 28 years old and he is 35. We have no childen.

I am Indonesian and he is German, so we are in an interracial, inter-cultural marriage. It is also interfaith because I am a Moslem and he is Christian, though we are moderate and -not- devout and lately both of us are even leaning to agnotism.

Around three years ago, my husband persuaded me to try swinging.

Something that seriously surprised me because I did not even know that such thing existed and that I had never turned him down for sex. I love sex so much after discovering its pleasure and that he can have sex several times a day if he wants to.

I disagreed at first, one of the reasons is; I was a virgin when I met my husband and until that point has never been sleeping with anyone else. I felt frightened with the thought of sleeping with another man.

I suggested him to hire prostitute or using Craiglist to look for a single woman to be invited to our bed. But he refused the idea, saying that prostitutes only do it for money (duh) and Craiglist is not safe.

I –understand- completely that men have their needs and that sometimes having sex to one woman for a length of time will make them bored. I really do not mind if it is just sex with no feelings involved.

Another thing I was worried about is that he would want to steer the relationship into an open relationship, with him having a girlfriend. Something that I do not think I can get used to since some of the decision making is already complicated enough without third party interferences.

Without my consent however, he created a profile in a swinger forums and put up nude pictures of us in the net.

Tired of being persuaded, I relented and started to visit swinger clubs with him. I usually drink a bit of alcohol to make myself feel less scared or awkward.

Soon after, he made a contact and befriending a fellow swinging couple. The woman is a men’s dream woman. Beautiful, sexy, smart, carefree and young. My husband fell in love with her but only admitting openly this January, though I have seen how his behaviour changed in the past year.

I feel betrayed and badly hurt.

He promised that he will never fall in love with other women if I allow him to be a swinger. He denied it, that he has fallen in love with this other woman when I first ask him. He is adamant to continue swinging with this couple, as if he is not caring about the situation in our own marriage.

I do not know what to do anymore. I love him but I cannot let this go, because whenever I think about all of those sacrifices I made just to accommodate him, my stomach feels very hurt and I feel like literally vomiting.

It broke my heart that for a year, he has been secretly sacrificing me to sleep with the other woman’s fiancé, so that he can sleep with her.

I will show my husband this thread, so if anyone has an advice for him, it is alright to address him directly too.

Thank you for reading and I am sorry about the length of the post.
Melati is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-23-2013, 09:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Caribbean Man's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Caribbean Region
Posts: 10,601
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

Hi Melati,
Sorry that you are in this unfortunate position in your marriage.
I would get straight to the point and be very blunt.

You made many sacrifices.
You were a virgin when you got married.
You willingly tried to fulfil all his sexual wants/ needs.
You went along with his swinging idea even though you were not comfortable with it.
Now he's " in love " with that other woman.

Your husband is taking full advantage of you to the point where he's using you in order to have sex with his other woman.
That was always his plan.
IMO ,That's why he didn't want to hire a prostitute.
__________________
FITNESS ~ Our Lifestyle.
Something For The Ladies.
“....And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music....”
Friedrich Nietzsche
Caribbean Man is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-23-2013, 10:10 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
that_girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Wherever I lay my head.
Posts: 10,283
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

Basically, he wants you as his wife to take care of the home, or whatever, and he can go have sex with different women.

Sounds like you were duped I would not be ok with this...it's playing with fire.

Do you like sharing your husband?
__________________

Real women don't want flowers and chocolate.
They want vodka and Taco Bell.
that_girl is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-23-2013, 10:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 443
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by that_girl View Post
Basically, he wants you as his wife to take care of the home, or whatever, and he can go have sex with different women.

Sounds like you were duped I would not be ok with this...it's playing with fire.

Do you like sharing your husband?

What everyone is said is true. I'm so sorry :-(. He is using and abusing you
Posted via Mobile Device
yellowstar is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-23-2013, 11:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Obamastan
Posts: 5,682
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

Melati,
I worked for many years in a large organization that was infested with swingers and ordinary cheaters. The swingers and other open marriage practitioners would always say that their marriage was good and that they could handle sex just for the fun of sex, no entanglements, etc etc. Even the long term swingers who said they were proof that swinging livened things up and made their marriage stronger ended up getting divorced. Oh, yeah, the divorce had nothing to do with the swinging. Right. Are there exceptions? Yes, but they are so rare that they prove the rule.

You've already figured all that out, so let's talk about your situation. If you want to keep your husband, you need to blow up your husbands relationship with his swing partner. Does the woman's husband/fiance know what is going on? If not, schedule a meeting and clue him in.
Machiavelli is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-23-2013, 12:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
JCD
Member
 
JCD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4,175
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

Your husband is violating the rules of swinging.

1) He has gotten emotionally attached to this one woman.
1a) He would be swinging with LOTS of couples...but he isn't
1b) He should be making you his number one focus and make sure you do not feel threatened.

2) BOTH people in a 'swinging' couple have to agree to this circumstance...not twist one person's arm. YOU do not want to do this. YOU want a normal marriage and are willing to fulfill things inside that marriage. You even unbent enough to allow him a few diversions which were emotionless. HE is a swinger; YOU are not.

But actually, we have a word here when only one person in a marriage is 'swinging'. It's called CHEATING.

I am in a multi-cultural and formerly multi religious marriage as well.

This is a shameful thing. And considering the risks associated with a Moslem woman to make such a match, it leaves you VERY vulnerable. There is no 'going back' and it feels like he is taking advantage of this fact.

He needs to make some very hard decisions here. I do not like what he is doing, which smacks of extreme selfishness and even some bullying.

BTW, I am a man.
__________________
My Avatar is a Warning Label.
JCD is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-23-2013, 12:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 31
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

Divorce him!! Run away as fast as possible. People like him don't derserve a wife like you. There are many men out there who will treat you like a queen.

Last edited by Buildingblocks; 02-23-2013 at 03:19 PM.
Buildingblocks is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-23-2013, 01:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 18,622
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

The two of you need to get tested for STDs. Even if you use condoms it's not 100% safe. You two also have no idea who else this couples has had sex with, or is having sex with.

You need to handle this as a case of infidelity. He's not swinging, he's having an affair. It's not all that unusual for a person who wants to cheat to do exactly what your husband did. He convinced you to swing so that now you are 'guilty' of infidelity too. So now, in his mind, you have no right to be upset with him for what he's doing.

Is there any indication that he knew this woman before you all met at the swinging meeting? It could have been a set-up by your husband and the woman.

You need to handle this as a case of infidelity. This means that he has to end his relationship with this woman and send her a no contact letter. The the two of you have to rebuild your marriage from the ground up. If he will not end all contact with her, your marriage cannot recover and divorce is your best course.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-23-2013, 01:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 587
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

It's wrong in so many ways and I would end this relationship.
Bobby5000 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-23-2013, 02:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
JCD
Member
 
JCD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4,175
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby5000 View Post
It's wrong in so many ways and I would end this relationship.
I'm not sure that she has anywhere else to go.
__________________
My Avatar is a Warning Label.
JCD is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-23-2013, 07:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

I want to sincerely thank every single one of you who have been taking the time to read and write a response.

I have shown the responses to my husband too, but he got defensive and he said he did not have anything to say and did not want to participate in the forums further.

I hope he will change his mind later.

Caribbean Man: I think your post hit my husband the hardest because all of them are true and some parts he even admitted himself. There is just one thing, he said that is completely wrong, he never planned for it to happen. The feeling just suddenly there, according to him.

He tries to undo the damage…but we are actually in the process of moving into the same city where the other couple lives. I do not know what will happen, but I intend to still support him.

I really do hope this is just a test for our marriage.

that_girl: It does certainly sound that he wants to keep both of us at times. Though it is impossible because the other woman will marry her fiancé soon.

I do not mind if my husband sleep with another woman…but I hope his heart only belongs to me. I know it is a little selfish, but my heart belongs to him too, entirely.

Yellowstar: It broke my heart too…and he did abuse my trust, but I want to believe that we can get through this with our marriage intact. I am willing to try, because I want to grow old with him.

Machiavelli: Very insightful post, sir! I know I should be very worry about the possibility of a divorce, but maybe there will be a possibility that we will be the exception?

I am actually unsure if the woman herself knows about my husband’s true feelings towards her. The couple is a very active swinger and they have been sleeping with many other couples before us.

The woman’s fiancé has no idea about what is currently going on but I do not think I will tell him. The very last thing I want to do is play a martyr, but this woman’s fiancé has become my husband’s good friend. So good that my husband will be tasked with the planning of his stag night. The couple will be married this year and I feel that a talk about this whole mess with the woman’s fiancé will mar the man’s plan.

Maybe for the very last resort, if I see the woman actively returning my husband’s emotional affection, because then it will concern the woman’s fiance’s well-being too.

JCD: I am very surprised at how much understanding you have for my position as a Moslem woman. I did take a very big risk. If someone from my community got ahold of those nude pictures, it will not only my name that will be tainted but also the name of my family.

The part about there is no going back is also true. If divorce were to happen, my family will bear the shame and scorn of other people. No daughter with strong sense of filial piety will do that to her parents.

Interfaith marriage is actually unrecognized by some of my Moslem peers, some see it as if I am currently living in sin. To marry a man from other faith, getting involved in a swinger community and God forbid, be a divorcee…one sin after another.

We have been talking a lot since January, but I have a feeling that he does not even want to communicate about it. He did not want me to leave and to my shame, I actually love him too much to think about leaving him.

Buildingblocks: I do have to admit that I entertained the thought about leaving him, even found out that it will cost me 170 EUR to take care of the documents, from my personal online research.

To be honest, I want to fight for the marriage. This man is my first love, my only. I give him everything, if he needs my organs, he gets it. If he wants me to leave, I will leave. That is how deep my feelings for him.

Weeks ago, he sprained the muscle on his wrist and at that time, I was still angry and reeling from the effect of his confession. However, when I saw him cringing in pain, I feel like being punched in the guts.

I feel physical pain when I see him in pain, even when I am angry at him.

EleGirl: We do regular test. He does it more often than me because his job demands it. So far both of us are clean. No diseases.

The couple has had sex with several other people, but they are also getting regular test.

The other woman and my husband have never met each other before. For that I am 100% sure. As for cutting contact, my husband is not ready to do it. But I have seen him trying to limit the contacts he has with her.

I really do not want to get into divorce…first and foremost, because after all of what happened, I still love him very much. The second, he does not want divorce either and the third I simply cannot break my parents’ heart.

Bobby5000: I want to give the marriage a try. Through thick and thin, sickness and health. He does not want to divorce either, even insisting that he will hurt himself.
Melati is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-24-2013, 06:12 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 210
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

If he is using your body as currency to buy time with this other woman and you are getting no return except heartache then close the bank.

Make good, right and smart choices for yourself.

Seasalt
seasalt is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-24-2013, 08:14 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Caribbean Man's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Caribbean Region
Posts: 10,601
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melati View Post
JCD: I am very surprised at how much understanding you have for my position as a Moslem woman. I did take a very big risk. If someone from my community got ahold of those nude pictures, it will not only my name that will be tainted but also the name of my family.

The part about there is no going back is also true. If divorce were to happen, my family will bear the shame and scorn of other people. No daughter with strong sense of filial piety will do that to her parents.

Interfaith marriage is actually unrecognized by some of my Moslem peers, some see it as if I am currently living in sin. To marry a man from other faith, getting involved in a swinger community and God forbid, be a divorcee…one sin after another.

We have been talking a lot since January, but I have a feeling that he does not even want to communicate about it. He did not want me to leave and to my shame, I actually love him too much to think about leaving him.
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم,
[ bismi-llāhi r-raḥmāni r-raḥīm ]

You are from a different cultural background whose value system is entirely different from those in the West.
Your family's name/ reputation is at stake,
Your Marriage is at stake,
Your sanity is at stake.
What are your options?
What about your residential status in the country you live at present?
If you should divorce , would you be deported?
Would it be difficult for you to get a job and support yourself?

You love your husband and seem willing to allow him to have his way. Is it that you respect him as the head of the marriage, it that you are willing to compromise your integrity and respectability because the other options are not good?

It looks like you are in " checkmate " to me and you cannot make a move. You are stuck, so you are starting to rationalize your feelings.

I ask you these question because the situation you are describing may be an abusive one.
Abuse can be defined as treatment given to a spouse , child , or person below the standard of what he or she is accustomed to, with the intention to force them or humiliate them.

Seek professional counselling and you will overcome this,
Take care of yourself, Insha'Allah
إن شاء الله
__________________
FITNESS ~ Our Lifestyle.
Something For The Ladies.
“....And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music....”
Friedrich Nietzsche

Last edited by Caribbean Man; 02-24-2013 at 10:45 AM.
Caribbean Man is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-24-2013, 09:02 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
moxy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,483
Default Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

I'm sorry, but he's using you and treating you with disrespect. It's one thing if both couples willingly choose and open relationship, but he is manipulating you into it and you are obviously unhappy. Don't accept it. Leave him over this. If he truly lives you and if he is truly committed to you, he'll fight for you and he'll accommodate just as you have accommodated him. If he doesn't, then, no matter how much you want to be with him, he is poisonous to your soul and you know that letting him go was right, even if painful.
__________________
"He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"“We first crush people to the earth, & then claim the right of trampling on them forever, because they are prostrate." -Lydia Maria Child.
moxy is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-24-2013, 09:36 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,569
Default Re: Inter-cultural couple in a need for advice

Your husband is treating you very poorly. He's not taking your feelings and needs into account, from posting nude pictures and creating an account without your knowledge to claiming that he'll hurt himself if you leave him. It's all about him, and what he wants.

Why are you moving to the same city as this other couple?

My thoughts, as someone who is in a "casually swinging" relationship... Swinging is a horrible thing to do to a relationship unless both people are a) fully in agreement with trying it, and b) understand the primary relationship and who the primary partners are. Your husband failed both of those key tests. At this point, he's cheating on you, and you need to deal with it as you would if he started sleeping with someone from work. You have no control over who he invests his emotional energy in (I.e. who he loves), and because he's prioritizing his relationship with her over his relationship with you, I predict a bad ending (for you).

If you allow him to continue having his fun without laying out and enforcing your boundaries, I suspect you might as well resign yourself to him sleeping with whoever he likes, whenever he likes. You're teaching him that your feelings are overridden by your desires to maintain face externally, and he has free reign to do what he likes. Any boundaries he's respected till now will be eroded over time as he continues to test them and you fail to enforce them.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to decide if you are ok with a marriage in name only. Sure, to your family and to society it all looks great. But behind the scenes, it will be (and already is) a farce. It's up to you whether that's acceptable to you.

C
PBear is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What a rough couple months... seeking advice. aternex Going Through Divorce or Separation 3 11-05-2012 12:51 PM
Advice for a young couple? Mrs Chai Financial Problems in Marriage 12 09-30-2011 01:33 PM
Inter racial marriage Badr General Relationship Discussion 6 09-06-2010 09:19 PM
Have a feeling it is going to be a tough next couple days...need help/advice finallyseewhy Going Through Divorce or Separation 24 05-23-2010 10:34 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:01 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.