Why am I never satisified with my life?
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Old 02-24-2013, 09:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why am I never satisified with my life?

I am 3/4 of the way through a divorce but this 'problem' seems to permeate everything in my life. It is this:

Why, no matter how good I've got it (dating a wonderful person, kids are healthy and happy, job is stable, immediate family gets along and is healthy...) do I always find someone or something better that I have?

I'll readily admit that from the outside my life looks wonderful yet I'm always looking for that one better person, situation or thing.

I was like this in my marriage but had myself convinced I was in it for the long haul and there are ups and downs and in the end being faithful and sticking to what I felt was right would pay off. Other half decided a 3 month affair was more important than 11 years of marriage but that is a different 'session.'

I'm adult child of an alcoholic if that matters and was raised Catholic but have no interest in it right now.
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Old 02-24-2013, 09:57 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

All unhappiness is causd by comparison
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Old 02-24-2013, 03:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

I know several people that will almost always, build something good and healthy, or ... purposely choose and pursue something unhealthy for no other reason than to torpedo it ... and themselves.

They are consistently about the 'next' challenge, accomplishment, partner, etc. rather than enjoying or reveling in what they have in the 'now'.

If you aren't in therapy, and you know this about yourself ... you need to get into therapy.
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Old 02-24-2013, 04:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

Ahhhh I used to know a man like this, used to be married to him in fact. We had a very nice, comfortable life - house, two cars, well behaved child, holidays all over the world, decent jobs, no money worries, decent sex life (up to a point), expensive gadgets. Not enough though apparently - felt like he was 'just existing', despite the fact that it's what pretty much everyone does with the exception of the very rich (which he is never going to be)

Being British he would rather have had his head chopped off than see a therapist so never really got to the root cause. The upshot is that since we split (about a year ago) he has frittered away the equivalent of $140k on things for show. Flat he can't afford, car he can't afford, holidays he can't afford.

All because he's not happy with what he is, never has been and never will be. He projects his unhappiness onto others but it's frustration with himself and his inability to achieve his aspirations. In my totally amateur clinical opinion
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Old 02-24-2013, 04:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

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Originally Posted by Dollystanford View Post
Ahhhh I used to know a man like this, used to be married to him in fact. We had a very nice, comfortable life - house, two cars, well behaved child, holidays all over the world, decent jobs, no money worries, decent sex life (up to a point), expensive gadgets. Not enough though apparently - felt like he was 'just existing', despite the fact that it's what pretty much everyone does with the exception of the very rich (which he is never going to be)

Being British he would rather have had his head chopped off than see a therapist so never really got to the root cause. The upshot is that since we split (about a year ago) he has frittered away the equivalent of $140k on things for show. Flat he can't afford, car he can't afford, holidays he can't afford.

All because he's not happy with what he is, never has been and never will be. He projects his unhappiness onto others but it's frustration with himself and his inability to achieve his aspirations. In my totally amateur clinical opinion
You describe my husband. He has to have the biggest, most modern, most expensive of everything ONLY to impress others. He is an unhappy man and it shows through his terrible gambling addiction. He had it all and now he has a mountain of debt, no savings, wanting to divorce me, and shun his grown son so that he can pursue a life like Fonzie. He truly is pathetic and thinks there is nothing wrong with himself.
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Old 02-24-2013, 05:35 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

It's all a choice!! Contentment is a very hard place to stay I struggle with that too.

My wife is a oak perfectly content with aging and ultimately dieing. It's sort of amazing! While I am paranoid of dieing, death, aging, losing my health, the thought of it being over is very mind boggling to me.

I haven't "cracked" so to speak, but I tell my wife often once all the kids are grown and are adults, we are in our 50's, and life is definitely on the downswing I just don't know how well I will cope with that.

It's something I worry about!! Because there is no answer of "What will happen in the end?" drives me nuts!
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Old 02-24-2013, 06:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

Are you like me?Even though i'm a good husband,father and provider I never loved myself.I'm getting close to 50yrs
and i am finally learning to.

Low self esteem and depression lead to me spend as I would feel happy for a short time after.Later I would regret it.

Many people look great on the outside,but damn
where total messes inside our head.
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Old 02-24-2013, 06:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

I don't feel a Life can truly be enjoyed in it's fullest capacity without a welling of GRATITUDE for what one has .... it all starts there.... do you recognize the Joy others bring to your life? DO you enjoy blessing others, the joy you bring to their lives.... does this not uplift?

If the one you was taken from you tomorrow... would you feel like this song >>
Bread - Everything I Own - YouTube

If we learned we had Cancer tomorrow, we'd suddenly understand the Lyrics of this one real fast....
Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying - YouTube

...............................

I am someone who ENJOYS being inspired...would choose those types of movies over a comedy even...it's not so much about the "Excitement" around the corner as resting in the contentment of the here & now...as much as possible. I get in a huff sometimes too... but accepting yourself for who you are, where you are, imperfections and all.... is a beautiful thing... If you struggle with "proving" your worth" - on some hamster wheel with this mindset... this would be a great book for you...

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

If you are not getting your Needs met in your current relationship, maybe some better communication is called for, maybe a little more vulnerability -if you have feared go there... we all need to work on some things....

But darn, if you have your health, someone to love who loves you back/ attraction still going on, a happening life, good friends, your bills are paid, a nice roof over your head...... You are blessed !!

...
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Old 03-16-2013, 08:14 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

It seems pretty easy.

1) Set your goals. (most people never give enough thought to doing this)
2) Work in your strength zone. Take advantage of your unique talents. Become exceptional at what you do.
3) Do what makes you happy.
4) Count your blessings...often if necessary.
5) Always value your family and relationships. Give them priority. In the long run, they are most important.
6) Look forward, move forward. Forget the past. You can't ever change the past so learn from it and leave it behind you.
7) Always be positive. Look for the good in others.

Doing this gives me direction...and tremendous satisfaction in my life. My plan is simple, but it really works!

Good luck.
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Old 03-17-2013, 06:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

Stop comparing yourself to others as though it were some kind of gauge to measure proper happiness. It is all relative. Maybe what you should try to think to yourself instead of, "I need that" is "what I have is enough." It might not be ideal, but it is enough.

There are many people who wear masks and shield the world from their true feelings. I think you'd find that if you were in someone else's shoes - one of these perfect people - you'll find that they probably feel exactly the same as you do right now.

It's always more desirable to want what we don't have. To quote the wise Dr. Spock, "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."
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Old 03-17-2013, 08:07 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

Quit gauging the quality of your life by your emotions. It's ok to be unhappy, frustrated, angry, etc. The presence of negative emotions doesn't mean your marriage sucks. It means you're human. Successful marriages aren't always giddy happy but they function.
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Old 03-17-2013, 08:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cheburg123 View Post
I am 3/4 of the way through a divorce but this 'problem' seems to permeate everything in my life. It is this:

Why, no matter how good I've got it (dating a wonderful person, kids are healthy and happy, job is stable, immediate family gets along and is healthy...) do I always find someone or something better that I have?

I'll readily admit that from the outside my life looks wonderful yet I'm always looking for that one better person, situation or thing.

I was like this in my marriage but had myself convinced I was in it for the long haul and there are ups and downs and in the end being faithful and sticking to what I felt was right would pay off. Other half decided a 3 month affair was more important than 11 years of marriage but that is a different 'session.'

I'm adult child of an alcoholic if that matters and was raised Catholic but have no interest in it right now.
If your honest efforts as a child were sidelined consistently by your family that may be one reason. You were never given the chance to see things through and to wear the laurels and stand on the winner's box holding the trophy high and be proud of your accomplishments (and in my opinion being accomplished is a gift not just to yourself but to those around you and society at large...it is your unique contribution that should be celebrated, has nothing to do with ego, but honest celebration of something good and wholesome...) For a child of an alcoholic this just doesn't happen, so those neural pathways and the belief system doesn't form. So, celebrate what you do even if it's a small thing. In fact, it's the small things that do matter, and fill up that hole inside you. Parents who are neglectful emotionally dismiss the small things, it's so hurtful. Even more than being beaten or not fed, is ignoring a child's soul. So you have to do this for yourself, now that you're an adult, take care of your kid, the one inside you! A good way to do this is to hang out with kids. lol. And nurture them and give the same to yourself.

Another thing that's a biological reason is being addicted to the adrenaline cycle. Uncertainty and hyper-alertness in childhood develops the adrenal system to always need to respond to environmental stress. So an environment that's calm, peaceful, rewarding...makes the stress build up and build up...leaving things unfinished or unconsciously creating a situation of stress feeds that need for the adrenal system. Adrenaline is addictive, just like speed. You need to completely sedate this system for a long period of time, to train your adrenal system and also your brain to accept the peaceful calm situation as normal, and toxic people and stressful situations as not normal. However this does not mean boring, you can feed the monkey on your back some peanuts, go to an amusement park and ride the extreme rides, take on a project you enjoy but has a risk of failure if you don't work hard, exercise (dance, rock climb...) take risks with your sense of style, ride your bike without hands, go snowboarding or whatever.

Therapy does help but the bottom line is that talking to someone and understanding the root of the problem isn't going to solve it. The issue is underlying biological addiction and needs to be treated as such. Seriously.

Things like really cutting down on sugar, avoiding overloading your system with foods that cause it to overwork (high fat and high sugar foods), lack of sleep, caffeine, stress due to ignoring deadlines and other procrastination...all of those have to go if you are serious about solving your problem.

You also do need to take on selected projects you know you will enjoy, see them through, and celebrate their successes (even though imperfect...everything in life is imperfect, lol.)
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Old 03-17-2013, 02:29 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

Why, no matter how good I've got it (dating a wonderful person, kids are healthy and happy, job is stable, immediate family gets along and is healthy...) do I always find someone or something better that I have?

What do you mean? You found someone else you would rather date?
The limbo land between separation and divorce is horrible. I don't think anyone can truly be happy while going through a divorce.
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Old 03-17-2013, 04:45 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

I forgot something too. You really need to have a sense of creating your life, and to reap the benefits of what you create. This is done by actively giving and emotionally investing in what kind of life you want. If you're usually on the receiving end and honestly for some reason don't feel worthy of what you're receiving, that lack of fulfillment is usually one of lack of engagement and connection.
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Old 03-17-2013, 07:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I never satisified with my life?

I dunno.

A significant portion of the world lives on two to five dollars a day and they're happy with their lives.

So it has nothing to do with wealth.
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