Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Innocent Text?

20K views 191 replies 52 participants last post by  anonymous42 
#1 ·
So my wife is getting a really expensive tattoo that covers her entire back and requires multiple long sessions to finish. She admitted that the artist is 26 and attractive, and she even told me that she texted him saying,

"This is ***** we can do it next Friday or sometime next week."

Before he replied, she added,

"I just realized how that sounded. lol"

And she even told me all of this. Well, the next day she left her cell phone at home when she went to work, so I looked at the text and it went on,..... he replied to her sexual inuendo,

"Sounds like a plan, we can do that!!! Just bring in $800 and we can make magic happen!! :):)"

To which she replied,

"Alright. Sounds great, so long as you're worth my while...what time?"

He replies, "1 PM ???"

They text goodbye and she ends with a smiley face.

IMO, she is basically giving this guy an open invitation to nail her ass or get a blo job after he tatts her up and takes all of our money. Am I insane to think that?

I confronted her about my insecurity and she showed me the text word for word and did not try to delete or hide anything. She thought that I was overreacting and said that there was nothing to it.

It still did not make me feel better. If a girl tells me that, married or not, I'm thinking I can do that if I want it and if not at least get a BJ. Right??? Or am I crazy?

Please help
 
See less See more
#41 · (Edited)
I think it's the her name.

And no, I see it as flirting, but not a really serious invitation for sex or a BJ. However, you and your wife seem to be on different pages with regards to your communications with others, and what boundaries are appropriate. This may be a good time to discuss those boundaries. Better late than never!
Ahhh... That makes sense!

I agree that the text was flirty, but I'm wondering if the OP's W isn't perhaps viewing the tattoo artist as some women view their hairdressers - male or female - someone they can act a little informally with because of the intimacy of the service being provided? I'm not saying that this is right or wrong, just putting forward a perspective.

If the OP's W is having a back tattoo, it doesn't follow that guy is going to get to see more than the back he's going to be working on...

At the end of the day, though, if the OP is uncomfortable with his W going to this guy, his W should find herself a female tattooist, as others have mentioned.
 
  • Like
Reactions: anonymous42
#43 ·
Leave a deposit in the morning as a little gift for him to discover if he tries anything.

And I would be there. At least for part of it. And if she tried to tell me not to go, that would make being there mandatory.

For the record, I read the text as innocent scheduling by someone who is excited to get her new tattoo. But not wanting you to be there moves it from innocent to deceptive pretty quickly.
 
#46 ·
Yes, I agree Entropy, the problem with the whole thing is that it has just been kind of told to me. She is spending 2500 of our 7000 tax check on this tatt, and basically told me she was doing it after the appointment was set up, and now that she also wants 2 more large tattoos from the same artist this year when she isn't even half way done with the first. Why is she so excited about this guy? She has 5 kids and knows she would only be able to **** him, but maybe that is one of her ultimate fantasies, to get tatted up by some hot guy that ****s her brains out. She sure is losing weight fast for the first time in a year and fast. She is looking pretty good and she knows it. Another thing is that she picked this guy without seeing his work, just based on him talking to her?
 
#48 ·
I assume you are down with the whole tattoo culture.

I am assuming she has been into this culture for a while.

Now if this is all relatively new then wow ... that matters.

I think you have a myriad of issues.

So all I can tell you is what I would do. I would tell her no. That if she wants a tat that you and her will pick out the artist. That I was not down with her stripping down and spending the time with any man. Hot or otherwise.

So she is going to cover her whole body in tats. And wants this guy to do it. So you basically are validating what I was saying. That in the middle of these sessions they will be examining her body fopr the future.

So where are these other large tats going?

But anyway, I say you stop this before it gets way out of hand. You may have a chance to save your marriage some real grief.

The fact she set this up without you gives you the high road to say ... no. Tell her this is unacceptable to you. She is disrepecting you.

Are you really ok with all these tats?

I also know what I would do if she does it anyway.
 
#47 ·
The next session will be her 3rd BTW, and I may go for a little while but there really is nowhere to sit, I've already checked it out. I still want to see the guy with my own eyes and all. The real ****ed up thing to all of this is that I'm as open minded as they come. I'm an anthropology teacher and I know that human sexuality is complex, even for married people. I told her point blank from the day we met that if she needed "outside" experiences then we could work something out as long as there was honesty, but she only ever said that if I ever do anything, take it to the grave, and she will do the same.
It is just driving me nuts because of the feeling in my gut that there is something sick about the whole thing. Like I said, I don't know, I could be crazy.
 
#50 ·
Ok so she is already stripping down for this guy. Nice.

But you did let her know she could have an open marriage so you need to realize she feels she can push the envelope.

She picked this guy without seeing his work. Ok ... you have your answer. But you gave her the green light. So there you go.
 
#51 ·
Yes, he has already seen her. Yes, there are ambiguities and shades of grey and splashes of color and bits of spice in our relationship and promises to each other. I personally don't like promises and prefer openness to fakeness, so yes, I would agree to an open marriage by far if my wife felt the same, but she never agreed to it, so that means she can't have her cake and eat it too now. If she can, then I can. And right now, with all of the kiddos and working so much it really isn't even legitimate because we barely have time alone together. I just looked through my cell phone since December, and she had not sent me a single flirty text, but she sends this guy one on the first one...I guess I need to let it go and get a hobby
 
#52 ·
why does everyone think so black and white. People have brains and can have unique agreements based on personal preferences. I have always told her I want to know, but I know she will never tell, so I guess there in lies my anxiety. In the end it is just sex, and she can't get pregnant, and he won't fall in love, but damn, she don't even **** me that much and she has started to more lately, but for over a year it was like once a month...
 
#53 · (Edited)
I think in all sorts of gray.

You gave her the green light to "play". She has not told you that she wants to screw him yet. She is playing with him. See shades of gray. She is going to expose herself. Exhibitionism.

But you see you just made a black and white statement. You said it is just sex.

Forgive me but this has taken a hot wifing turn. You are living vicariously now through your wife's sexual adventures. Or at least you struggle with it. The fact you let this go forward though is very murky.
 
#55 ·
I see what you mean Entropy and I am struggling with that. It's one of those I've tried to change things, and now I'm not quite sure about how I've treated her in the past, or how I've handled things. I want us to have intimacy first, and if something grows out of that then fine, but we have been struggling for that ourselves, and things were just getting better, and she just kind of springs this on me, and then I find the texts, which weren't the worst thing ever, and she did not try to hide, so I am being kind of ambiguous and need to just let it go, but it is hard because she rarely makes me feel like a priority, sexually or otherwise...
 
#92 ·
We would call this a related rates problem. She is pushing the envelope in some areas in the opposite direction for intimacy with you.

We always come back to boundaries. I suggest that you and her do His Needs Her Needs and define what each of you feels the boudnaries are for your marriage going forward. This will promote intimacy. You may also benefit from Married Man Sex Life as well. If she is seeking out hot guys especially.
 
#56 ·
We work opposite shifts and have for 2 years and the other year I was away in grad school. We rarely are alone and she still turns me down or falls asleep sometimes...Over the past two years, (with a baby being born mind you, we averaged maybe 3 times a month) When we first got engaged, she would be sexual as much as I wanted, but one night she said no, and then steadily started regulating the output of sex ever since.
 
#94 · (Edited)
We work opposite shifts and have for 2 years and the other year I was away in grad school. We rarely are alone and she still turns me down or falls asleep sometimes...Over the past two years, (with a baby being born mind you, we averaged maybe 3 times a month) When we first got engaged, she would be sexual as much as I wanted, but one night she said no, and then steadily started regulating the output of sex ever since.
Ok this in itself has prevented intimacy AND has put you both in a vulnerable state for outside stimulation ... especially from predators.

It is brain chemicals.

Her Oxytcin levels are not being fed by you because frankly you are not with her. Add to the kids and really and truly while you are married in some ways you are not in others. You share a home and children and very occasionally have sex.

So she is getting more attention from this guy than she gets for you. No wonder she wants to strip down for him. He has made more ground in his time with her than you have accumulated in yeasr just with the Oxytocin. He is effectiveky makjing love to your wife in those sessions. He is caressing her body and stroking her ego. He is giving her his attention and telling her how beauiful she is. He is bonding with her.

He is also pegging the scale on the Dopamine levels. She is naked for him and he is focused on her. Again he is making love to her whether there is genital contavt or not. But indeed she is trusting this man with her body.

She has provided more intimacy to him than you.

I am not trying to mess woith you but you know in your heart this is true.

The opposite shifts have to stop.

I think you allowing this to go forward has dug a huge hole. Putting the genie back in the bottle may not even be possible but that said every day that foes by it is getting worse. Whether she screws this guy or not is not even the issue right now. Boundaries on not just PIV sex.


I give my wife full body massages regulary. This does not always lead to sex at the time. But it is all foreplay. It is making love to the woman. It i showing her attention. It shows her you think she is beautiful and desireable. Just an example. You must date your wife. You must spend quality time with your wife. This is not measured in number of times you have sex. You have to connect with her. It is about intimacy. This is not for other men to provide her. It is not good to allow her to get that from other men.
 
#57 ·
But I must admit that I have always wanted my wife so bad, that even when we first got together and things were great, my active imagination let me fantasize about her being naughty. When she started withholding, it fueled these fantasies more, and I think the monstor I am now has kind of grown out of that. :)
 
#102 ·
Right. We can see this in your posts.

I personally want to be the guy my wife is naughty with.

1) My wifes exclusive lover

2) My wifes best male freind

3) Her husband and father of her children.

These are my priorities. Yes thet meld into one but what I am saying is I must have #1 and will not settle for just #2 and / or #3.
 
#60 ·
JFV,
I'm sure that plays into it a lot, and that is something I am trying to change, which is why I told her I had a problem with the text in the first place. She is aggressive and I am passive, overall dynamic, but things can change if I do is what I believe, and I sort of think it starts with me letting her know that I want to be with her and not share with the tattoo artist...
 
#63 ·
The main card that you hold, OP, is that you are her husband and you are uncomfortable with the whole situation regarding the tattooist and the flirty nature of the text messaging. If a spouse is uncomfortable with something like that, it's up to the other spouse to do something about.

You either accompany your W to the scheduled tattoo session, or she finds herself a female one. Period.
 
#70 ·
yuck she will always remember the dude who gave her the tatoo because he is also most likley banging her also.

yuck put your foot down. and make sure you go with her if she balks then my advice would be to move on while your still young.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Lordhavok
#72 ·
  • Like
Reactions: anonymous42
#74 ·
I must say, I would flirt like that with my boyfriend but not someone performing a job for me.

And I would absolutely invite my boyfriend along on the appointment if I were to get a tattoo.
 
#76 ·
joshbjoshb and sinnister

I have never taught students to be in open marriages? I teach Cultural Anthropology, so sure, we discuss sex, gender, marriage, the entire spectrum. Open American marriages are unlike polygamous unions in other cultures, because the focus is not actually on sex but productivity and re productivity in those cultures. (generalizing) I also teach Algebra and Calculus, and trust me, we don't talk about swinging in there. The idea that open relationships is an absolute fail every time is simply not true, but statistics would show that it usually fails in the first world because of different values, schedules, focus on sex, etc. Most monogamous relationships fail now too.
I don't disagree one bit that opening the door can be a disaster, however, I have never been in a long term monogamous relationship where cheating was not suspected or did not happen either. And from my perspective, it was not always because things were bad, the first time, my first girlfriend, she just wanted a new experience. So you know, that probably hurt me in a way and also made me say I would rather have realistic expectations than be hurt this way again, well, lets be more open, was my idea.

True, it has never really worked with anyone, but I also do not think if I did not try to be more open with my wife, she would act any different. If she was always a cheater, she may feel more able to get away with it with me, but she would cheat just the same if I told her it would kill me and end our marriage or I said I want to sit in the closet and jerk off while she does it. (I've never done that.)

Anchorwatch & Chapparall

I agree that tattoo guys offer a mystique which my math teaching ass certainly does not. And she is attracted to them because of their perceived aggression versus my laid back style. It could be the case she prefers my style in friendship and family, but not in her fantasies. When we actually have sex, it is great by the way. I really don't believe anyone could "do it better" with her, and I don't even think she believes that they could really, but I can't offer the mental side of being this "ideal." (I guess we should play dress up.) I may have been acting meek for a long time, but I am capable of changing, which is why I am confronting her about this in the first place. I just wanted some thoughts before we have our next talk about it. I appreciate all the feed back.

Unbelievable:

I realize that is part of the issue, and my kids are priority number one. I don't have the right to leave my children because my wife has not broken any promises. I never made her make any!

Aunt Ava,

I think you saw the same red flags that I did and you really have a balanced approach that I like and prove that I am not overreacting if you can see some of the same flags. I agree, need to man up and be more direct and all that **** and see what goes down.
 
#84 ·
Sinister,

Thanks for the backup! I was about to say...

PBear,

Setting clear boundaries do not help a cheater stop, it only gives them a map of how to proceed. Maybe...
Anyhow, I agree it is all about her and I, and I need to work with her. I want to dig out the root, but this problem is really acute and I would not mind ending it
 
#113 · (Edited)
For a cultrual anthropologist you are sure missing the fundamentals.

If you think your wife clearly is going to cheat then send her on her way.

However, what is happening is that you are enabling another man to seduce your wife. A completely different thing.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top