We can't teach our son's about walk-away-wives.
That's a well kept ladies secret. I just hope the women teach their daughters. They will be marrying our son's.
Let me start by saying I hate that term. I give credit to Oprah for starting the conversation, but it unfortunately went away when (name your celebrity) adopted a new (name your favorite African adoption nationality) baby and we moved on to other concerns.
Plus, the name was bad. First, it implies that the wife actually left, "walked away", when the whole premise is that she left emotionally but physically stayed. Second, it implied that the wife had a choice and she DECIDED to leave the marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth.
So enough about the walk-away wife. We men need to teach our son's about push-away-husbands. I have said MANY times: nearly 100% of walk-away-wives will say they have told their husbands until they "are blue in the face" that their behavior was inappropriate. And nearly 100% of push-away-husbands are blindsided by "I don't love you any more because of it".
I am respectfully going to ask the ladies to stay away from this thread for a few days. We men need to figure out how to deal with this ourselves. PLEASE spare us the "how can you be such an idiot?" replies for a while. You might learn something by actually listening to us for a bit. Plus, this is the men's clubhouse. It's not an unfair request.
I had (yes, HAD) an explosive, scary temper. 99+% of my waking hours I was a happy, fun loving guy that was great to be around. But every so often I would explode. Add a few minutes to absorb the lingering effects, and it was over in 5 minutes. The blink of an eye in out collective waking hours. Surely my wife and kids KNEW that was not the real me and they forgave me, right?
I would say mean things to my wife. I have NO IDEA why I would put her down. I loved her with all of my heart. It is my one flaw that causes me to truly hate myself. My eyes are tearing up as I type this. How could I DO THAT to her? Degrading your wife takes 2 seconds. Not even a rounding error for what I did in that past HOUR, let alone my collective waking hours. Surely she knows that's not me. Surely she knows I really love her with all of my heart.
What we push-aways don't understand is that our loved ones DON'T know our minds. They don't know what's in our heads. All they see is the outward negativity. They don't know that we don't mean it. But mainly what we don't realize is that they walk around all day in fear of that couple of minutes of minutes of temper. My wife knows I am going to say something mean. It is a blink of an eye to us. It is the entire world to those we abuse. They live with that fear 24-7.
Son. If you ever, even ONCE, say to yourself "that was bad, but she'll forgive me because she loves me", take that as a MASSIVE warning flag that you are in for the ride of your life if you don't change. She WILL forgive you because she loves you. But what happens when that behavior causes her to not love you any more? Then she doesn't forgive you. Then the intimacy stops. The warmth stops. Then you try to fix it and realize she hasn't loved you for a long, long time. Then you realize it's too late...
Men. Please share what you've learned about yourself once your wife left. Tell us how you pushed her away. Tell us how you could have done it differently. Tell us how you changed. Tell us how you realized the importance of REALLY listening to your wife. Let's collectively learn how to teach our children.
For the record, I didn't need to change. My wife said something that made all the pieces fit together. Made me realize that the love and intimacy I had lost years ago and was desperately in the middle of trying to reclaim was gone FOREVER. And it was MY FAULT. My DNA changed. I was not ever going to engage in the behavior that caused my world to crash. NEVER. But it was too late.
We need to fix this. We need to teach our sons about it. I don't want ANY man to go through what I went through. What I CONTINUE to go through. Especially my boys and I am going to do everything in my power to prevent it.