Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt
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Old 03-14-2013, 06:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt

So, your wife is torqued off with you. You missed her big office party, you insulted her mother, or you were caught blatantly flirting with someone else...or she thinks you were. Whatever.

Anyway, there is this huge critical mass of resentment and wifey goes out 'with the girls'. She purposefully makes it seem less than innocent: dresses nicer, perfume, fvck me pumps whatever.

And she gets home WAY late and straight to the shower.

She won't talk about it. Maybe she makes sly insinuations. Maybe she doesn't. But she deliberately created 'doubt'.

How would you deal with it? And I'd prefer a more thoughtful response than 'I'd throw her out in a heartbeat' because we are talking a marriage with significant emotional and physical investment.

This is, as stated, a hypothetical, but I've seen women this stupid and I have no idea how someone would deal with this.

The obvious options are 'suck it up' or 'nuclear on her'. I am interested in other options.
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Old 03-14-2013, 08:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt

I can see some correlation with a wife deliberately creating infidelity doubt in response to her husband flirting (not that I think it's necessarilythe right thing to do), but cannot see why she would react this way regarding the other prompts you mention.

Regarding the flirting/creating doubt scenario, such a slippery slope needs to be halted fast (and I am assuming no infidelity took place). Both parties are doing stuff that upsets the other. Both parties need to listen to each other, consider the other's feelings and stop such behaviours and resolve not to repeat same in future. Tit for tat gets the relationship nowhere.

If the other prompts lead to such behaviour (over-reaction) from the wife there is alot of work to be done with looking deeper at perhaps some other hidden cause of resentment.
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Old 03-14-2013, 09:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt

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Originally Posted by JCD View Post
So, your wife is torqued off with you. You missed her big office party, you insulted her mother, or you were caught blatantly flirting with someone else...or she thinks you were. Whatever.

Anyway, there is this huge critical mass of resentment and wifey goes out 'with the girls'. She purposefully makes it seem less than innocent: dresses nicer, perfume, fvck me pumps whatever.

And she gets home WAY late and straight to the shower.

She won't talk about it. Maybe she makes sly insinuations. Maybe she doesn't. But she deliberately created 'doubt'.

How would you deal with it? And I'd prefer a more thoughtful response than 'I'd throw her out in a heartbeat' because we are talking a marriage with significant emotional and physical investment.

This is, as stated, a hypothetical, but I've seen women this stupid and I have no idea how someone would deal with this.

The obvious options are 'suck it up' or 'nuclear on her'. I am interested in other options.
I'm guilty of doing this in my more immature years.For me,it was a way to show that I was valuable,desirable,and could play the game just as well as he could play.It was a way to grab his attention and let him know whatever he did wasn't ok and I felt taken for granted.Stupid and makes no sense to me now but I can't change the past.

The more he reacted to it with possessiveness,jealousy,and insecurity,the more I'd use it as a method of gaining control over the situation.I think the better reaction would have been sitting me down and letting me know he sees right through the intentional doubt I was trying to create and acknowledge that he understood why I was doing it. If he didn't understand why i was doing it,the best thing would have been to ask me.

Of course the ideal would have been for me to not play that game at all and talk like a mature adult about how I was feeling.

When it comes to games like this and looking back at how I was,I think the direct approach is going to be the best thing to make it stop happening.Coming from a place of insecurity and showing jealousy is going to add fuel and make her use it over and over.
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Old 03-14-2013, 09:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt

I think it is all about power. If she creates doubt, it makes you vulnerable...weak. Makes her strong.

If I had to deal with it, hypothetically, I would ask her to explain why she is acting that way. If I did something wrong to prompt her behavior, I would admit it. But then I would tell her the response is inappropriate; next time address it with me directly because that type of behavioral response isn't going to solve anything. And if it happened again, I would probably have her bag packed when she got home.
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Old 03-14-2013, 09:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt

I'd drop a VAR in her car and keep an eye on her communications for a week or so while acting as if I don't even notice her escapades.

If she is just trying to irk you start giving ber a bit more attention and it"ll probably blow over
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Old 03-14-2013, 09:21 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt

I must be boring, the only way I make my wife jealous is when I buy only one pint of Ben and Jerry's
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Old 03-14-2013, 09:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt

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When it comes to games like this and looking back at how I was,I think the direct approach is going to be the best thing to make it stop happening.Coming from a place of insecurity and showing jealousy is going to add fuel and make her use it over and over.
I agree. It seems to me the best approach is to sit her down, say that the game playing is unacceptable, and flat out ask her if she cheated. When she denies, tell her that by her actions she has intentional called that into doubt. I would then ask how did that help things? Did this improve our relationship? Did this address what I did wrong?

I would not necessarily blow things up over this (assuming it was the first time), but I would make clear that if this continues every time I make a mistake, we have real problems.
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Old 03-14-2013, 09:34 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt

I have done something not-so-blatant, more dressing up nicer and going out but that was it.

And this would be in "response" to a situation at home whereby I did not feel valued, important or appreciated. Kind of a "you clearly don't appreciate or value me so I will show you that there are others out there who do which will hopefully make you realise you are acting like a complete pr!ck and sort it out."

And the going out would be in a situation where I knew I would come into contact with other men that I knew on an everyday basis rather than a meat market kind of way. A bit calculated yes, but done to make a point.

Trying to put the show on the other foot and imagine if it were hubz in a similar scenario as originally described... I'd go for the "you're clearly trying to make a point, but if you want to say something let's talk about it like grown ups instead of going round the houses like you did" approach.
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Old 03-14-2013, 09:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt

As others have said, this all sounds like gaming, probably on both sides. Sounds like either or both have some issues of insecurity. Time to sit down for an adult-to-adult talk and try to agree on some ground rules for the relationship.
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Old 03-14-2013, 09:46 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt

A wife (or husband for that matter) doing this might be acting out of frustration if she has told her H in the past that certain behaviours of his upset her but he just ignores and keeps doing them. Her way to get his attention. However, again, not the best way to handle things.
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Old 03-14-2013, 02:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hypothetical: Intentional Doubt

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Originally Posted by JCD View Post
How would you deal with it? And I'd prefer a more thoughtful response than 'I'd throw her out in a heartbeat' because we are talking a marriage with significant emotional and physical investment.
Generally, the more that juvenile behavior is subsidized via emotional reaction, the more of it you're going to get.
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