My wifes insecurity is ruining my marriage!!!!
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Old 03-15-2013, 05:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wifes insecurity is ruining my marriage!!!!

I have been punished long enough. Its been 1 and a half year of pure torture for me. When does my wife's insecurity and low self esteem stop being my problem but hers? Yes she found porn on my phone....yes I did what I am sure a lot of people have done I looked up exes on Facebook. Never once did I reach out to anyone....never did anything inappropriate. I looked. Guilty as charged. I towed the line enough. I am tired of working a hard days work and her running and grabbing my phone and excusing me of deleting my history as soon as I walk in the door. I am tired of the BS. I go to work and I come straight home. I have NEVER cheated on my wife. I never cheated on anyone in my life. I have lived with this too long. I want out.
Here is a woman for six years who basically put work and school ahead of me. I excepted a sexless marriage to support her dream to become a nurse. All those nights she was stayed at work till 11 at work I never once thought let me snoop on her. Never once when she would get drunk with her friends after work did I accuse her of cheating. I trusted her. She has punished me long enough. You saw porn. I apologized long enough. I have lived like this too long. I will live with that I was a good husband maybe not great but I am a great father. We both know what you did while pregnant with both kids. I can forgive you for that. But you holding this BS over my head too long. You can blame me forever for destroying your self esteem but I am done at beating myself for it. Reason I direct some of these comments cause she follows everything I write on here. I can't even have a place to express myself without her going through everything I do without reading.
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Old 03-15-2013, 05:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes insecurity is ruining my marriage!!!!

curb, meet wife
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Old 03-15-2013, 05:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes insecurity is ruining my marriage!!!!

She hands you a sexless marriage and then suspects you of cheating? If she doesn't feed her dog, it's none of her business where or what he eats. Even if you had cheated you wouldn't have given anything away that she valued.
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Old 03-15-2013, 05:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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She claims she knows I would never cheat. That infuriates me even more. You know you have a good man and she is repaying me by torturing me for what? A porn sites a year and half ago. She chose to go into my phone for basically six months to look at everything I looked at. Without my knowledge, if I was cheating guess what you would have found it. I don't understand why can't she stop. I leave my house at 5am everyday. I walk in the door and start repairing the banister that her mother broke and grabs my phone to check it. Accusing of deleting things from a silly site like bar stool sports. When is enough?
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Old 03-15-2013, 05:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I have found that those who are most suspicious are usually the one you should suspect the most.

just sayin'
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Old 03-15-2013, 05:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Just because she's got a good man does not mean she has the foggiest idea how to treat one. Dogs chase cars but you never see them driving one.
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:07 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Through all this I have never checked her phone...never looked at the history....havent asked for her passwords. Why cause I trust her. I feel like I am a schmuck for taking this crap. I can't live with this with the nonsense. We have son on the autism spectrum. That's where my attention should be. Not how to get my wife off this emotional rollercoaster she has us on. I am tired of being sick and tired. I remember when I was a kid a older guy told me once think about the most beautiful woman in the world...guess what there is a guy out there that can't put up with her BS anymore. I didn't get it then but I do now.
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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she's probably cheating on you, hence all the suspicion
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:13 PM   #9 (permalink)
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If it was only that simple. Part of me wishes that was the case. I could get out. She goes to work, comes straight home. Doesn't go out, doesn't have any friends anymore. Its just me, her, kids and her low self esteem and insecurities. That's my life. It just revolves around it.
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You shouldn't have apologized for those things in the first place, you did nothing wrong. Stop clearing your history. If she has a problem with it then she knows what she needs to do to get you to cancel your date with Palmela and her 5 sisters.
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I stopped looking at porn more than a year ago. But even when I tell her I still have the impulse to look that means I am fantasizing about it.I can't win. She wants honesty and then makes it about herself.
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I stopped looking at porn more than a year ago. But even when I tell her I still have the impulse to look that means I am fantasizing about it.I can't win. She wants honesty and then makes it about herself.
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Did you have a problem with porn? I don't see what the big deal is.
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Problem... I would say no. I never chose porn over my wife. Was I very impulsive...yes. Was I in a sexless marriage at its worse...yes. We now have a healthy sex life but seems like every week something new bends her nose out of wack. I can't keep talking about the same issues over and over. Either forgive me for the past or move on.
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Old 03-16-2013, 08:20 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes insecurity is ruining my marriage!!!!

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I excepted a sexless marriage...
Are you still in a sexless marriage, because I suspect all of your problems trace back to this fact.

Quote:
Yes she found porn on my phone....I looked up exes on Facebook. Never once did I reach out to anyone....
But, I'm sure you thought about it (and I don't mean that in an accusing way).

These are coping mechanisms men use in a sexless marriage. Porn (and masturbation) provide the physical release you wife won't give you. You build a fantasy life in your head of "what might have been" if you had married one of your old flames instead of your wife; you may not act on it, but it gives you some mental relief from your current situation.

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...grabbing my phone and excusing me of deleting my history as soon as I walk in the door.
Some part of her realizes she is about to lose you (and she is). But, she is attacking the symptoms of the problem (the porn) instead of the root cause (your sexless relationship).

Quote:
I am tired of working a hard days work... I go to work and I come straight home. I have NEVER cheated on my wife. I will live with that I was a good husband...I am a great father. Here is a woman for six years who...put work and school ahead of me. I...support[ed] her dream to become a nurse.
You were the typical "nice guy." Nice guys rarely do well in marriages.

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You can blame me forever for destroying your self esteem...
This is called projection. She has done something in the past to destroy her self-esteem, and she is blaming it on you. Ignore this.

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We both know what you did while pregnant with both kids. I can forgive you for that.
Obviously, you can't or you wouldn't bring it up.

Quote:
But you holding this BS over my head too long.
Again, your porn viewing is a SYMPTOM of a deeper problem--a sexless marriage. When she gets after you the next time, just reply "If I wasn't in a sexless marriage, I wouldn't be tempted to look at porn."

Go through some of the threads here on sexless marriages and nice guy syndrome. I would wager you are suffering from both.

You are probably doing the right things. Shaking things up so she understands your marriage can't go on this way.

BTW, I understand your wife being concerned. Her marriage is headed toward a rocky time. But, she is taking the wrong approach to fixing it. The porn is a symptom of another problem. As long as she focuses on the symptom instead of the cause, her marriage will get worse.
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Old 03-16-2013, 08:40 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wifes insecurity is ruining my marriage!!!!

Your mistake was apologiIng and enabling her insecurities in the first place.

Now the only way to get past it is to take it back.
Tell her you're not sorry and you've handled it wrong but you're done dealing with her self esteem problems.

I'd begin this conversation by having porn on my phone when I got home but that's just me.


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