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Old 04-19-2013, 03:30 PM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

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Originally Posted by JCD View Post
You do NOT want your husband to grow used to not having sex with you.

Is that REALLY a habit you want to instill?
Plus, men don't really ever do without getting their sexual needs met. But they do rationalize their actions.
  • They start to view pornography (it's not really cheating, because it's not real).
  • They masturbate, which means they are fantisizing while doing it (it's not really cheating, because the other women are only in my mind).
  • The hire prostitutes (it's not really cheating, because I'm paying her money).
  • They flirt with women & have emotional affairs with women (it's not really cheating, because there's no physical sex).
  • They have physical affairs with women (it's not really cheating, because I don't love her).

Is that really what you want? That's what you are setting yourself up for.
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Old 04-19-2013, 03:32 PM   #77 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

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But...when a man wants his wife to be sexier or initiate more, isn't that asking her to change who she is fundamentally? And if she refuses, the advice is to start pulling away, cooling down, stop meeting her needs. Karma just seems to be proposing the same thing. It cuts both ways.

Karma, you seem to be at the end of your rope. If he won't listen to your words, maybe he'll understand actions better? If he gets his needs fulfilled and you are left unsatisfied, how is that fair or right?

Have you tried a concrete WRITTEN list that he can refer to? Sounds cheesy but seeing it written down might help cement it in his mind. "I need A, B and C daily from you."
Again, this is what Athol talks about in his blog. Read it here, it makes total sense.

Quote:

"So ladies. Bless your hearts. I get that you were unhappy about things, but you were simply talking to a man you knew wasn’t listening to you. Then periodically you’d give him sex, and tell him by your actions that things were still okay."
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Old 04-19-2013, 03:40 PM   #78 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

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Sex is a bonding experience in the marriage. It's not a reward/punishment.
Nor is it a training tool, which is how the OP is using it.
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Old 04-19-2013, 03:41 PM   #79 (permalink)
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Default Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

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Again, this is what Athol talks about in his blog. Read it here, it makes total sense.

Quote:

"So ladies. Bless your hearts. I get that you were unhappy about things, but you were simply talking to a man you knew wasn’t listening to you. Then periodically you’d give him sex, and tell him by your actions that things were still okay."
It's a good article but he says only do this on BIG things not because he didn't take out the garbage or put the toilet seat down.

I don't remember what the op complaints are. Are they big?
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Old 04-19-2013, 03:55 PM   #80 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

I LOVE that article Mavash Wish I had read it sooner.

My interpretation was that the things the OP listed appeared less major than the things Athol refers to, but have built up. Small things in to big things. Only she can really qualify how big these things are to her now.

OP?
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Old 04-19-2013, 04:21 PM   #81 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

"My husband is a hard worker, great dad & husband in general..he can just get so lazy when it comes to things like this because he knows I'll always be here for him & he's never had enough pressure to take a good look at things and make any adjustments."


So he's a great Dad, a good provider and a decent sexual partner that you desire. Your marriage appears to have alot going for it. I guess I don't understand why your willing to risk throwing that out for some behavioral tweaks. Your "no sex" experiment will have a lasting impression. He's already shown you how he intends to handle it. He will get his sexual needs met a different way. Eventually, he will grow tired of his hand and since he's not getting validated by you anymore he'll go elsewhere. You get points for being honest with him, but in the end analysis it's just a sexual manipulation which always creates deep resentments.

I think the real issue is that you married too young and your looking for a reason to be dissatisfied. You're ready for something new. We all get tired of our spouses idiosyncracies and typically it's these things that challenge our ability to be intimate. This is where the "work" comes in. The strange thing is that you say there are no intimacy issues in your marriage, but you sure do seem determined to create one. I've been in the position where my wife wasn't into me and the sex dissappeared. I took responsibility for that and turned it around. I had some serious issues to address. If my wife told me she was going to withhold sex until I started to do the dishes or was less lazy after working all day I would be asking myself "Why does this person think she can train me by dangling her magic whoha out as a carrot? It's insulting.

Last edited by Enginerd; 04-19-2013 at 04:39 PM.
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Old 04-19-2013, 04:31 PM   #82 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

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I don't understand why he isn't taking you seriously. You're telling him that there is a problem between you, a significant enough problem that, in order to finally get his attention so he listens and understands, you've resorted to cutting off sex.

Instead of taking this as a sign that your marriage is in trouble, he's masturbating and telling you about it? That sounds childish.

He's not taking your concerns seriously. Why is that? Does he need you to leave him in order to "get it" that there's a problem?
Maybe her concerns AREN'T serious?

The only concerns I've seem listed are pretty generic (not empathetic, doesn't do laundry, doesn't do what she tells him to do).

Childish? Angry, resentful, & bitter are better descriptions. He may be telling her with a smile, but you don't tell your wife something like that to make her feel better. You do it to rub her nose in it; you do it to garner some measure of revenge.

It was a giant "FU b!tch" and nothing less.
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Old 04-19-2013, 04:58 PM   #83 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

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Maybe her concerns AREN'T serious?

The only concerns I've seem listed are pretty generic (not empathetic, doesn't do laundry, doesn't do what she tells him to do).

Childish? Angry, resentful, & bitter are better descriptions. He may be telling her with a smile, but you don't tell your wife something like that to make her feel better. You do it to rub her nose in it; you do it to garner some measure of revenge.

It was a giant "FU b!tch" and nothing less.
Yes, and rubbing her nose in it with a giant FU b!tch is a pretty childish response to his wife taking drastic action to get his attention that they have a problem.

In fact, if that's how he always responds when she tries to talk to them about the problems between them, I can see why she is at the end of her rope.
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Old 04-19-2013, 05:45 PM   #84 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

NoraJane, & a few others, thank you for truly getting it.

It's amazing how this thread has become like a game of telephone. By the later part, the main problems are so misconstrued that I've now become an emplorable ***** who is denying her husband sex because he won't take out the garbage. That's extremely insulting, but being that noone here really knows me I guess I can't take it too personal.

I completely understand that this is a very sensitive subject to people, especially here. However, the sweeping accusations, thinking in absolute terms, black or white, is too short-sighted to provide actual guidance..it's all more of a defense, maybe stemming from personal feelings. I understand that & that's okay.

Its frustrating to hear man after man want his wife to change this or that regarding their sexual life, or any part of their life together & there are plenty of supporters for that, and ALL these suggestions as to how to make an otherwise LD woman try all these new sexual things, for HIS gratification, for the sake of their marriage, for a closer bond, etc..
The things I am asking for are not difficult to provide & he has provided them before.
He's just getting lazy...no not after a hard day at work- that is total BS. After a hard day at work, he has a good dinner, a massage, etc..
He's getting lazy about remembering that his wife has certain needs too- ones that will create a closer bond if remembered & followed through with.

Yet, here I am struggling to get him to hear me, but I should not try to change him. Why? Why does he get to get away with being however he wants, but I need to sit back & take it?
Makes zero sense...what does make sense is that sex is a form of connection & bonding & I feel bad putting the brakes on that. It doesn't feel great, no.
But honestly, what else would make an equally powerful impact? Probably nothing.

If he resents me & goes elsewhere because he can't get his **** together & follow through with what he promises to do...
like be emotionally supportive, physically supportive, on a regular basis, then he gets to live with the fact that the decline of our marriage began with his declining efforts.
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Old 04-19-2013, 06:18 PM   #85 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

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Originally Posted by Blue Firefly View Post
Plus, men don't really ever do without getting their sexual needs met. But they do rationalize their actions.
  • They start to view pornography (it's not really cheating, because it's not real).
  • They masturbate, which means they are fantisizing while doing it (it's not really cheating, because the other women are only in my mind).
  • The hire prostitutes (it's not really cheating, because I'm paying her money).
  • They flirt with women & have emotional affairs with women (it's not really cheating, because there's no physical sex).
  • They have physical affairs with women (it's not really cheating, because I don't love her).

Is that really what you want? That's what you are setting yourself up for.
Are you implying porn, masturbation, & flirting are cheating?
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Old 04-19-2013, 07:44 PM   #86 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

"If he resents me & goes elsewhere because he can't get his **** together & follow through with what he promises to do...
like be emotionally supportive, physically supportive, on a regular basis, then he gets to live with the fact that the decline of our marriage began with his declining efforts"

Sorry but I see the decline attributable to both parties here.

He's not meeting your needs. You're using the only weapon you feel you have available in your arsenal (yes, you are using sex as a weapon)

I am confused because you both profess love for each other. These actions are NOT those of a loving couple
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:14 PM   #87 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

We all know that, no matter what, every couple goes through crap & needs to figure things out at some point or another.

Just because we are in this position now does not mean we are not in love with eachother & does not mean we wish to live without each other.

Unfortunately love is not enough. This we all know.

The decline would not be due to both of us, I have given my all for so, so long.

It would be his decision to let it go, if that's what it came to.

The ball is completely in his court. Being sexless won't last forever, for sure..but for the time being, it is serving its purpose & getting him to really understand that my needs are just as important as his.

If he gets sporadic & lazy again, then we need to talk even more serious- separation?

That would be horrible, but I'm done with waiting for my needs to be met.

It's time I consider what is right for myself...maybe this path I'm taking will not workout well, but I know enough to know when to recognize a real problem...I would never let things get out of hand or go

too far when it comes to this.

Our sexual relationship is extremely important to me, it's not everything, but if it died, so would our marriage- I'm not willing to let that happen.
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:20 PM   #88 (permalink)
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Default Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

Of course it's all his fault.
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:55 PM   #89 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

Of course you only have the ability to think in absolutes.
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Old 04-19-2013, 10:13 PM   #90 (permalink)
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Default Asking for a sexual hiatus..good or bad idea?

You said it not me. My opinion is it takes two and its mostly on you. But your last post is pretty clear that you won't accept any responsibility.
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