lost1234

we have been separated for a month...normal marriage issues (I thought) money, children, jobs and losing some sight of one another. So my husband hits me with the Im not happy. boy what a surprise to me!
a few weeks later is when he did leave...after another fight about money...
We have 2 small children, and he is here everyday for them and then goes back, his mom and sister live next door to one another, and although they dont agree with what he is doing, they let him stay. YES i am dumbfounded and angry at the whole situation! its like having your cake and eating it too!
I quit drinking years ago because i saw it was becoming a problem. I have steadily been in therapy for almost a year( I have serious panic attacks) and trying to help myself so i am better for my family.now all of this. he tells anyone who asks, that it is not me it is him...he has lost himself and needs to clear his head. ok i can understand that...horrible under stress, there has been a lot of it.
now tonight he completely freaks out on me ( over the phone after getting up and leaving while we were sitting watching tv)after instigating a really stupid arguement.
I am so worn out! nothing I say or do is right or good enough for him. I am putting up with this **** because i want to correct whatever mistakes i might be making.(also to give him a chance to see what may bother me) He has shut me out, so I dont have much to go on...No communication at all, says he just wants to be alone.I can not get him to go see anyone or possibly mention any kind of depression. I am completely frightened for him. He IS NOT a mean or degrading person! how do I get rid of this or deal with this in the best way to find the man i married back??? what is the BEST advice anyone could give? Has anyone else been here???

shelleyv

There is absolutely nothing you can do to resolve your issues if either party is not willing to communicate. Maybe arrange for the kids to be elsewhere one day and when he comes over its just you and him. Sit him down and say - we have to talk. Ask the relevant questions. Do you still want to be married? Do you still love me? What can I do to make you happier in this marriage? Are you prepared to work on it or throw everything away? What are his main issues with you? Can you work them out? Just carrying on the way you are now is not going to solve anything. Insist that he open up to you. Talk, talk, talk. Talk about why you got married in the first place and what has gone wrong. Can you both try to fix it? Do you still love each other? You need to communicate and move forward from there. Good luck.

preso

sounds to me like he is working on his exit plan or excuse plan to
get away from the marriage or stray.

hope your also getting an exit plan in motion, like the above poster says you can't "make" him work on the marriage so the best you can do is plan for its demise in the event it does go bad and you have to move on.

sisters359

If you think he is depressed and/or potentially suicidal (you say your are frightened FOR him), you must insist that he get medical help and take him to an ER for assessment. You can get him to go with you, or tell him that you will have to notify a doctor--and a doctor may feel obligated to contact the police, depending on the information you give the doctor. Once he gets with a professional, he may be a lot more forthcoming than with you or with you alone. Be sure to have someone to watch the kids so when you tell him that you insist, you can immediately follow up: take him to the ER yourself right then, or call a doctor right then. Don't let him promise to get help on his own--if he is suicidal (or you think he is), you want to act right away. It's scary stuff and I can understand your concern if that is one of your fears.

michzz

Is it possible that he is finding it hard to talk to you about his issues because of your panic attacks?

agatha

There is a third party IMO.
Posted via Mobile Device

knortoh

Like the other posters on here I agree that there is not a whole lot that you can do when someone shuts down from you.

It is a very powerful defense.

This is why you are ready to scream - the more he shuts down the more you feel the need to express your excess of emotions

Whatever you do don't scream at him -

Wait until he;s not around and scream in the shower - I find the car works really well -


When you are in control

then you talk

20yrs

Thats me! You need to scream at some point. It feels good to let it out, but stay calm and in charge when you are with him... Even though you may not realize it, you may be making him clam up when he is with you, because of all the emotions that are welling up inside you.

Men tend to shut up and shut us out when they don't know how to deal with all the emotional stuff.

I agree with shelleyv... arrange for the kids to be gone so there are no interruptions... then force yourself to stay calm, focus ont he fact that you are in control and take as long as it takes till he talks.

ONCE HE STARTS talking , DO NOT interrupt, no matter what he says.

Here are a few phrases that work WONDERS in getting him to dig deeper to tell you more without him realizing what you are doing.

"Okay, so whad'you mean by that?"

"wow, tell me more about that" (this works especially well for those comments that make you want to SHOUT in defense)

"really, so why do you feel that way..."

These are just a few phrases that will help you force him to keep telling you what is on the inside.... he needs to get it out, and it may surprise you what comes out.

Be ready for ANYTHING.