O.k. so I ask this Question on ask on Yahoo and of course Got bashed because it was too long and people there obviosly cant see and understand what the purpose of Ask is anyways ..but I got led here so Guys I need your Honest opinion on this How you feel.Now Honestly Real Answers please?
At the end of the day in people's heart with their hidden plots/motives/and schemes, behing the hidden cloak of things we wish not to discuss ..Do people really get married for Love and companionship or deep down inside they know that its a smart career move financially and its a survival issue.. I mean or why else would people(women/men) get mad at you for giving yourself to another person physically or emotionally it's considered cheating, Cheating on what ? the contract ?Cheating on Love ??W.T.F? the agreement of marriage is I can only love you, and be there for you only, and be sexual with you only and think of sexual thoughts of you only or its considered ,cheating , so heres the Question .can Love and hate abide in the same dwellings and still remain pure ? if i have love in me then that love is in me and can only be poured out to whoever is before its receivings ..Like a well of water ought shoot forth the same water for whoever approaches the well , If I say I Love My wife and family then how can i hate someone else ?? you cant mix love and hate just like you cant mix water and kool-aid in the same cup, and the water still reamin pure H20 ..it is now dilutted and no longer pure ..same with love and Hate if i say I love then it should be directed towards everyone, or iIshould examine inside if i truly have Love in me or is it something else . Then how did it become levels of love ?? I love him but i hate her ?? I just care about that person but i love this person is there a Love/Hate/Care switch that we flick at our convenience ?
Honestly it seems as if we treat Marriage with alot of fear ..is marriage a control thing ?? constantly enforcing the rules of marriage ,do's and dont's for fear of Losing this individual ..seems as if the commitment becomes bondage and obligation after awhile, Slowly but surely your freinds change ..you cant hang out with the single ones anymore ,time to do the couple freind thing , whats all the effort in preserving this thing called Marriage anyway.. is it really worth it or with all our great efforts in the end fall short ,and fill the pages of our chapters of Life with stamps of vanity..I mean me personally i really enjoy The first two Months of a realtionship, Thats when the two indivuals are actually trying and putting forth an effort to sell themselves to one another , but once comfort with eachother sets in ..then comes the B.S. ..Makes you question whether or not this Marriage stuff is really supposed to go they way we Have conducted it .. Being Social is Good ,being adventorus is fun , trying new things , is always fun too. Could it possibly be that we constrict our own lives with opressing eachother for our own personal hidden satisfaction, I mean if you took (survival,money, and material) out of the picture i highly doubt there would be as many marriages . Im starting to question whether or not people are supposed to be with eachother for desperatly Long periods of time .. Think about all the oppurtunities you let pass by not being able to socialize freely and interact in soceity the way a single person could . all because of a teaching that was traditionally passed down ..something tells me we set our own lives up, and constrict ourselfs with our selfish knowledge, Men/women owning eachother , call it what you want But Job's, companies, and damn near everything in this world requires a contract of somesort ..for one purpose ,,to ensure that they recieve "THERE" end of the agreement ..and if they dont ..They can Hold you accountable with the signature next to an X ..If true love is true love why do you need a contract unless there is doubt or sum form of conceived suspicion that the person may not fully comply.. This can easily be translated as a form of manipulation or bribery but covered up by the word Love.. just Like cell Phone companies and there 2-3 year contract ..you can pay them on time for 3 years straight, but become delinquent once ,and guess what ..bye bye phone service..all the one time payments somehow went unnoticed and in -vain ..Funny how that works ..I Know this has been long and i did my best explaining how I feel ..what you guys think ??
If people really opened themselves up, they'd get closer to their spouses by showing their true selves. If your true self is as you state, then you shouldn't get married. If you view marriage as only a contract, you're not marriage material. If you think pledging yourself to one person only is about control, you're missing a key purpose for marriage.
Marriage is an opportunity for growth, spiritual growth. It is an opportunity to learn to be your best and to be who you were meant to be. It is an opportunity to learn to give and to avoid selfishness (which seems to be your main complaint against marriage -- you don't like how unselfish it is supposed to be because the behavior you describe is inherently selfish and self-serving).
Anyone who is married knows that it only takes one vote to end it all. So this BS you are spewing about bribery and manipulation is nonsense. That's what I think.
you cant say that those voting cards arent used to manipulate or course the other person towards what you want or vice versa. People always say how unselfish they are ..but when you dig deep enought you will see how much benefit they are receiving in the long run and why they will attemp and profess there not selfish , most people are giving in a relationship only to recieve , how can you say thats not selfish , i think people are so in deneail about the evil that lurks in men and womens heart that they convince themselves that its inexistent, then they believie it , and arent really able to see these things until .hey what do you know 20 years later someone is finally had all they can take Holding in and pretending things dont exist , when really the truth is you will never know peoples real heart , so face it there is the possibility your spouse is unhappy and good at hiding it , or that they secretly hide things from you for trust reasons they may not ever reveal until its too late , Ive also learned that people that hold the upper hand in relationships will be the quickest to defend the control/manipulate card..why? .of course because they are holding it ..lol..wouldnt want spouse to finally wake up and realize how good i am at controlling them secretly making them believe im not ..illusion do exist or there wouldnt be mental homes and crazy people ..you would be suprised how many illusions you may be sold on and not even know it ..people will always side with their point of veiw until it is decreased by a greater ..its like the government telling me im free when Obviously look around I am not ..I am subject to whatever Law they Make for My ass.. Dont sound too free . and no I am just calling a spade a spade..
the stuff abouth growth ..the only growth in this world that isnt done in vain is that towards God , so even if you build your marriage year after year and grow and all those great things . you die and then leave that person .now its harder for them to go on with out you after 20 years ..its a setup.. and even if you are the best in this world you will die and leave your best to this unbest world..lol..VAIN.....VAIN....VAIN.. maybe im bein cynical..but dont tell me thats what marriage is because the definetion of marriage differs for everyone..and there are people that will walk away from you after years of building and trust with them ,and there heart was deceitfull ..and they leave you with **** ..all cause you trusted them..ask my mom ..No good pops gone after 24 years ..cleaned out the account ..took the cars and scratched the lease ..gave her the boot and relocated to sc with Boeing ,and newfound Position ..so long old Loser life and wife and family ..HELLO Money.. Marriage huh ..poor woman Loved and trusted this douche ...im done..
you are obviously, and rightfully, hurt by what your father has done. But that hurt is coming from the child in you. i think there is always the child in us that wants any relationship- be it with parents, friends, or spouse- to be an altruistic, sort of religious projection of a savior. of course we dont want to hurt- and we get this idea that the other person needs to be perfect so they dont hurt us. we need people to mold to our needs. that is the child in us- the helpless, raw emotional, reactionary perspective. we want people to be our christ. but it doesn't really work that way- as you are learning.
if you are looking for someone that will never hurt you, you will never find that- not even from yourself. you are hurting yourself right now with the anger and resentment that you are building up in yourself. its ironic, but you are becoming the very thing you despise- a source of hurt and a dispenser of pain. you will hurt others with your attitude. so you see, you are part of the cycle you hate.
when you are ready, and tired of the pain, you will realize you have to let go of your wounded child and the thoughts that go with that persona if you ever want to really stop hurting. other people dont need to change for you to stop hurting. no one needs to be perfect. you have to change your thoughts and your perspective.
Well F.T.R. I know i didnt mention this but i am not a child i am 25 Years old and this has nothing to do with me being hurt by my dad I never gave a 2 **** about him anyway , I was using it as an example ,to point out that hey , you can always do your best on your end but doesnt mean that your partner is ..or willing to forthat matter. people do change ,their feelings ,their thought patterns, their perspective on life ,whether to the good or bad they do change . the thing i want to point out the most is that Look at how one persons "change" in their life can affect so many others in a negative way . Hell I was reading a post on here earlier about a young woman having issues with her husband , and one commenter went as far to say . '" eithier your husband is going to be married to yuor he's not " then she commense to tell her how to screw him over financially and mentally by plaguing his life with hell from the legal system pertaining his child..Thats what im talkin about ..So it is a thin line between Love and Hate, one day a person could be laying in the bed with you after 25 years , and the next day you can be in court with the same person , or better yet murdered by their hands.. call it what you want but people are people ..some things we do are inexplainable , but the human intent of the heart can never be fully predicted ..atleast no by man .. All im sayin is be carefull who and where your trust lies .jer:17-9 The heart of man is deceitfull above all things and desperatly wicked who can know it .?
were fine ..but these issues are still relevant because they exist ..whether or not there are those who would like to talk about it or not ..there are others that feel the same as i do about these things..
If your view of marriage is as you state, your marriage is not fine. You're living a lie, afterall.
There are people who share a lot of views that are negative and angry and unenlightened (PS -- you may be 25 but you still have a child portion of you -- everyone does) and bitter. There are also groups of people who feel that sex with children is acceptable. Does the number who share the view make the view any more correct?
And who are you to decide that growth in general is not worthwhile? Further, since many people believe that God is the source of power and strength behind marriage and that marriage is a tool for growth, how can you argue that it is invalid? So what if people die? We have to live within the constraints we are given. Marriage never promised immortality so what does that have to do with the price of anything, anywhere?
o.k. if you are taking this as marriage Being , in the sense , past, ot present , then of course you will see it that way , Let me ask you ? Have you ever build with someone for years , honestly,dedicating, Loving , showering this person with the best of you and all that you have to offer, Only for that person to see it as **** after 10-20 years , and pull the okie -doke on you and your left with ****..all of your confidence that you carried for many years pertaining marriage immiediatly shoots to an all time low ..no more preaching how good marriage is , and how you should trust your spouse ,You have now become a victim of your worst nightmare ..time to scour the net for a forum for some sort for relief , or better yet scour the net for a new life cause my old one just blew up in my face..No this isn't bitter i think i am being taken all wrong here .. I love my wife and she's great but to say i trust her ..well thats another issue .. Wake up and smell the roses people ..whoever told you to trust man anyways..even God told you to never put your trust in man or bow and arrows , or princes or knights.. so would'nt you be the fool if you trusted man and he screwed you ..is it really their fault or yours for not obeying the wisdom of the Lord ?? and about us not being the ones to decide that growth in general is not worthwhile, then who are we to decide what right and wrong is ,or Judge men in our own righteousness ,as we do , such as the Judicial system , Who gave us the power to decide if a man should die or not , Who gave us any power at all ? Well as far as sex with children, who are we to Judge if they are right or not ..Since when have we become ordained judges with robes and gavels.. All these theory's ,beliefs,and thesis's all hinge on the eduacation we have been taught by someone else and we sit and defend it as our very own ..just because you been taught something doesnt mean it's right ..you said it yourself regarding sex with children,,but who are we to make absolutes on life leaving no room, and imediatly dismissing any other possibilities.. everything you know, you
've been taught..How do you know what youve been taught is accurate ? you dont ..As far as me getting married , Just like everything in my life if I am interested in something enough, I seek it out on my own ..taking no other mans word for it ..That was marriage for me a learning experience , Just like prison was for me also ..and very worth it . and so is marriage , but doesnt mean after youve recieved what it is you came for that you have to continue in it ..If you finished all of your courses in college wouldnt you graduate ? why continue to sit in class when you feel as if youve received what you came for ??.. King soloman dug into all sorts of thing for himself for the sake of Knowledge and wisdom , and what was his conclusion ??Vanity says the preacher..All is vanity under the sun and vexation of spirit , But it is good with him who loves the Lord..im not challenging marriage ,im challenging the accuracy of how its taught and the reason why its hard for the mental to catch up with the physical ..its not our situations that are the problem its what our mental has created them into ,by way of lack of knowledge in how to properly act -or re-act in situations ..my point is in all your pursuit for the perfect marriage , or changing all these things about yourself to make it work and so-on . Doesnt really mean that it's make an impact or difference for that matter. all your efforts may reward you in the end with legal fees and a long shaft up your ass if your not carefull. im just saying dont let the cupid arrow sweep you off on a cloud without considering that there is a drop a billion feet down..
I'm sorry but I have to wonder what medication you should be taking that you are not.
If you don't like risk, you might as well kill yourself right now. Life is risk. Marriage is risk. I can't think of a sure thing other than the inevitability of death. But death's inevitability in no way negates the potential for goodness in life. If you think trust = guarantee, you're nuts. If you think that trust means your spouse can't make a mistake or that you yourself can't make a mistake, you're nuts. Nobody but nobody here is saying that trust = perfection or that people are perfect.
I really don't know what you're going on about. Here's some advice : Use paragraphs.
I'd still love to know what vows you took. I'm guessing they make you a liar.
Marriage is selfish, relationships are selfish, love is selfish.
You can paint that in every negative light you choose ... as you clearly have - or acknowledge that the fundamental driver isn't nearly as complex as you make it.
You become involved with someone as a result of how they make you feel.
You fall in love because at some level, this person meets your needs - consequently, to continue to have your needs met, you try and meet theirs so that the wheel will keep turning.
The flipside is also true. Wanting to leave a relationship is also selfish (abuse excluded - although that is still self preservation). It is the signal that you aren't getting what you want any longer.
Everyone wants the beautiful, shiny, package. Most everyone also know that the beautiful, shiny, package is only a means to get you to buy into the idea in the first place - but we willingly do it anyway. That isn't a bad thing.
There are far more ways for this whole endeavor to go off the rails than there are to stay on track.
why do you keep thinking this is fully about me .. this is in general to those who may posibly have encountered these issues or thought patterns and have questioned these things and their accuracy ..Guess im just talking to happily married people here that have never once questioned these things , this isnt about vows eithier your missing the point ,now i need to be on medication and im crazy right because my point of veiw doesnt match yours ..way to go Judge Dobo..funny how people defend their own ignorance at times, never said it was garuntee I was after eithier, Just sayin if you read these post on this site you will see people have problems in there marriage and no they all dont need medication , they need answers, and possibly there problem can be solved in truth..maybe what they have been taught isnt really true and thats why so much resistance ... What you dont know can very well hurt you at times , and what you know can hurt you also...seems like your pickin out the parts that bother you,(dobo) and missing what I am saying ..I asked for peoples thoughts on Marriage and the mechanics of it ..not to be Judged and critsized , called a liar and lunatik...well off to take the meds, thanks.
thanks deejo ...this is helpful...but did you notice the quick absolute threw in there in this form '"That isnt a bad thing " to use these words towards a multitude of people is somewhat misleading because ..even if it wasnt a bad thing to you ..How do you know its not a bad thing for others.? ..this is what im talkin about how we use words and teach things , sometimes with the right intent but the wrong approach ...thanks.
In all honesty, marriage isn't perfect. You will find quirks in your partner and things that make you a little crazy. Isn't that true about anything in life? You have pros and cons in a career, in friendships, with children, with everything. Perfection is non-existent. You take the good with the bad. However, if you ever invest yourself in marriage and take the covenant seriously, it is so rewarding. Yes, there will be tough days, but you have someone who knows you completely, You have someone with whom you can be yourself. You can share your fears, your anger, your disappointments and your joy. A spouse can rejoice with you and mourn with you. There is no other relationship on earth that compares. Longevity only brings about a deeper understanding of one another and deepens our character. We learn about sacrifice to please one another.
I don't think anyone should jump into marriage if not ready. However, I want you to understand that marriage is like anything in life, it's what you make of it. If both parties are truly invested, it's the most meaningful relationship on earth.
The concept of marriage is a noble one and can be a beautiful thing, in the right hands, in the wrong hands, it can be a living hell and can ruin lives.