Husband has no hobbies/friends

shelleyv · 09-21-2009, 08:36 AM

Hi guys
My husband is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict - has been clean and sober for about 5 years now. This is great obviously but since he has stopped drinking / drugging, he has no friends and no hobbies. I feel like he is depressed and I so wish he would find some hobbies that he enjoys and start doing them. How do I encourage him to start doing this? He spends weekends at home pottering around the house and gets frustrated that he doesnt have his own space. I am sure my daughter and I work on his nerves and I just wish he would go fishing or something so he can relax and unwind! Because he has now become anti-social, I am also expected to be this way and get frowned at if I want to go somewhere or do something without him. I love being with him but I dont want to be given a long face if I take 2 hours once a year to go do my hair! Guys, how do I make him realise he needs to get out there and do some stuff! Hunting, fishing, golfing etc? I mean i have spoken to him but he says its a waste of money! I mean what else can I do to encourage him????

Leahdorus · 09-21-2009, 11:24 AM

Maybe there's a sport your daughter is into that he could help with? Coaching maybe? There are other parents there to meet and sometimes other hobbies/activities can come of that. Vicktory's suggestion of cooking is good but maybe you need to jumpstart it and take a cooking class or two with him. See if that ignites any kind of passion in him.

shelleyv · 09-22-2009, 06:04 AM

Thanks for the replies. No we dont go to church (and I know we should because we seriously lack that in our lives). My daughter is still young (only 3) so she isnt involved in that much sports as yet. Unfortunatley my husband hates cooking - so no luck with that one. But we will perservere! Just need to continune encouraging him to go out - hobbies will come with friends and friends with hobbies. Life is too short to sit at home and sulk!

sisters359 · 09-22-2009, 06:18 AM

You could try taking up an outdoor/out of the house hobby with him, something he used to enjoy perhaps, and do it together until he makes a friend or two there.

Has he had counseling? He may well have some depression/anxiety and self-esteem issues that need to be addressed. Alcoholism is very, very often a form of self-medicating. If he is truly too self-conscious to enjoy others, then cognitive-behavioral therapy will be good; there are books on it, too.

Congratulations to him, by the way. It is a huge accomplishment and one he will value more and more over time as his life unfolds!

20yrs · 09-22-2009, 07:08 AM

If he likes doing stuff with you, you may want to start planning various outings, like going hiking... fishing... etc.... only it's YOU planning and he goes with you.

You may stumble onto one that he really likes and it'll take off from there.

Just a thought.

dobo · 09-22-2009, 01:18 PM

Buy him a telescope.

20yrs · 09-22-2009, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dobo

Buy him a telescope.

pburress · 09-22-2009, 06:03 PM

20yrs,
I think you hit the nail on the head. The hobbies and activities do not need to be solo for him. And he will be much more likely to participate if the planning aspect has already been arranged by you. Generally, I am not a big supporter of advice like this that basically says, if you want your husband to do something, do it for him. But this is a different situation.

I'm guessing that he doesn't know where to start since all of his prior activities, hobbies, and friends and not part of his sobriety. You can be a healthy part of his continued recovery.

Blaze · 10-04-2009, 10:40 PM

Huge congrats on his sobriety.

My husband sounds just like yours! He'd been sober for a few years and needed friends and a hobby too. All his friends were drinkers. In fact, all our friends were drinkers. So after he got sober our friends sort of dropped us. It was a lonely time for both of us.

(by the way, I don't drink - never have)

I racked my brain on what sort of hobby to get him into, too. I knew once he'd find his "niche" he'd make friends. Problem was, he wasn't the most social fella. Or motivated. He needed a push. From me. So I sought out things for him to get into. Sports were out. Religious based groups were out. We did join a Corvette group but we never really fit in with them (many were drinkers). And we don't have kids, so we didn't fit in with most of the couples in our age group who were all into the family thing.

So I got to thinking.. my hubby always seemed to like radios. He liked CB's and scanners for his job, so I asked him about Ham Radio (Amateur Radio). Well, long story short, he took to it like a fish in water; gradually working up to earning one of the highest licenses there is and joined a local group - meeting a bunch of people. Yes, even I got into it (not that I have a deep interest in it, but mostly to support him and understand what he's talking about when he discusses his radios) and I have my license/ticket and even my morse code endorsement, too. Shocked myself actually - I got a 100% score! Oops, this isn't about me.. lol, sorry.

Anywho, when my husband found Ham Radio as a hobby and met so many people and formed real live friendships, his personality.. his SOBER personality.. totall blossomed. He's a totally different guy...in a very good way.

Don't give up - keep suggesting hobbies for him. Bowling league? Volunteering? Astronomy? Radio controlled cars/planes? Geocaching? Golf? Exercise? Try them out with him as a family event if you can. Ask questions. Find local groups. I'll bet one will peek his interest sooner or later.

Best of luck!!

Blaze