I have a question for the men (and women if they'd like) to answer. Me and my guy have been together for 5 years and have 2 kids, we're still in our 20's. He has always told me that sex didn't matter to him and that he didn't have any porn. Last week I came across all of these websites he was visiting and this really hurt me. I brought it up and he said that it was because he didn't want to dissappoint me, that he just wanted to get it over with. But if you felt you were disppointing someone wouldn't you try to figure out what she wants so she isn't disappointed?? I like to talk about sex and he didn't for a long time, we've finally got over that hump a little bit. We recently had our second child 5 months ago and so I felt like he wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I know he is. I really think sex/intimacy are a major part of a relationship. I just don't think he really knows how to get a woman off. It's also hard when I'm the one initiating things and trying new things and he doesn't ever think of something to do. Thanks for your help!
Many women have a problem with their man looking at porn. He probably felt you might not approve so he kept it on the down-low. I don't think this is uncommon...akin to guys hanging out and commenting on a good looking woman where if their other half were there they wouldn't say anything. So, it's to prevent you from being hurt, but now that the cat's out of the bag it's best you talk through it...I'd cut him some slack on this one, but if it makes you feel hurt, betrayed, insecure, etc. let him know why you have an issue with it.
Feeling betrayed, lied to, hurt and rejected. Insist that he has done incredible damage to your relationship and will have to work very hard to regain your trust and respect.
This is relatively counterproductive if he was using pornography because he was already feeling detached from you
Or ...
Take a deeper look at the nature of your relationship to determine why he looks at pornography and chose to lie to you about it. It isn't about assigning blame, either yours or his - nor is it about giving him a free pass. It's about finding a resolution that both of you feel good about and can strengthen your bond.
The benefit of choosing this route, is that if you determine that his reasons are that he doesn't find you sexually attractive, or he has been a closet porn addict all along, that you can then fall back to option 1.
You will get a mixed bag of responses to this question. Porn has destroyed marriages, plenty of folks have experienced that first-hand. But, there are other couples here that have integrated the use of pornography to enhance their sexual relationship. And others still, who's spouses are openly aware of their partners use of pornography and don't feel threatened by it.
Similarly, there are 2 primary reasons (as evidenced on these boards) that men will use pornography:
1. They don't feel fulfilled in their sex life, but love their wives and use it as a release.
2. They don't feel fulfilled in their sex life, and no longer feel sexually attracted to their spouse.
[Lizzie60: Just relax.. porn is not threatening unless he watches it 24/7...]
Letting your kids play with matches is not threatening unless they do it 24/7.
Unless you are both into it, which I gather you are not, then a porn addiction can and most likely will destroy your marriage. Deejo is right, he almost certainly still loves you. Porn is an escape and a release. Unfortunately, it's not harmless in that, like other forms of addiction, it leads its victim down a path of needing more and more. Ultimately, it opens the door to unfaithfulness, or at least a growing apathy about your marriage. This is not a commentary on your husband...obviously, I don't know him. However, in general, this is the end result.
For his own benefit and yours, he should seek help. There are programs like Covenant Eyes that you can install that will hold him accountable (to a trusted buddy, not necessarily to you). It is a tough battle, and you shouldn't expect perfection. Your love will grow deeper as a result of your journeying through this together.
When I was younger, I use to like to go to strip clubs with my buddies.
I looked forward to each bachelor party and even just Friday nights with the guys.
As I have gotten older, going to such places has become disrespectful to women.
Even if women are in charge in those places, they have the real power.
But, I began to blur women inside and outside as the same.
I saw everyday women as people I could offer money to for a lap dance or just stare at women at work and think I could I get her to strip for me?
Same can be said for PORN.
No way to separate the two.
You begin thinking women in real life are the same, do anything, abuse them, humiliate them, use them then discard them.
This is the same reasoning why beer commercials use scantly dressed women to sell beer.
This is the reason, beer sells.
This is the reason porn convinces you it is OK to treat women in any degrading fashion you want and they all like what you want to do to them.
Imagine your daughter doing that for a living, is it ok?
No man would ever say to his daughter, "sweetie, don't you want to be a porn star when you get older?"
No little girl is sitting at home in front of a mirror and saying, "When I grow up, I want to do sex with multiple men on camera for men to masturbate to, I'm going to be a star!"
You think about it next time when you say, "No Harm, No Foul, it's okay to watch porn"
Lizzie,
It sounds like he told her sex wasn't important to him because he was starving her of sex. My view on porn is that if it replaces real sex with your very real wife it is very toxic to the relationship.
I don't think this is his overflow valve, I think porn is his primary/almost exclusive sexual activity if I am reading her post correctly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzie60
Men are like kids.. if they know the truth will put them in deep shyt.. they either lie about it.. or hide to do their deed
Just relax.. porn is not threatening unless he watches it 24/7..
MEM.. I re-read her post.. and I still didn't get that he is on porn sites ALL the time.. that it is his main way to get off.. but I could be wrong..
We only have one side here.. so it's hard to really figure out what is happening..
Maybe he got on porn sites because of the lack of sex while they had the babies.. and liked it.. and got hooked...
I find that porn is very threatening for women.. and it shouldn't be.. I see it as entertainment.. unless.. like I said, he passes all his time on it.. then she needs to roll a newspaper..and smack him across the head with it..
God or 'whoever' ... gave men physical strength and gave women sexuality.. those are our 'forces'..
It is easy to control men with it.. so I don't see why women shouldn't embrace it and allow themselves to be empowered by their sexuality..
But... like you, most people think that women are getting used by sex... I think it's the opposite.. We use men...
Just imagine a couple.. the wife wants something, for example, she wants to go out, to a movie, he hates cinema... but she's being flirty with him.. meeoooowww... he knows dam well that if he wants sex that night.. he better go.. so he goes.. not really to please her.. but to get sex..
I knowthese days it seems politicaly correct to say its ok to look at porn as long as your not hurting anyone else. Or its ok to look. My husband has looked at it on the computer for over 10 years that I know of. I am not ok with it. I have been married for almost 26 years.Im about ready to leave. The porn has been a source of alot of the problems. I decided in the last year or so that I would please him so much sexually that he would not want to look at it anymore. Wrong. The more I pleased him unselfishly, the more selfish he became. I also have two daughters 18 and 19. It kinda creeps me out to know that he is looking at girls that look the same age as my daughters. He will not discuss this habit with me. It seems to me there is nothing good that comes from viewing porn. At least in my experience.
[Lizzie60: Just relax.. porn is not threatening unless he watches it 24/7...]
Letting your kids play with matches is not threatening unless they do it 24/7.
Unless you are both into it, which I gather you are not, then a porn addiction can and most likely will destroy your marriage. Deejo is right, he almost certainly still loves you. Porn is an escape and a release. Unfortunately, it's not harmless in that, like other forms of addiction, it leads its victim down a path of needing more and more. Ultimately, it opens the door to unfaithfulness, or at least a growing apathy about your marriage. This is not a commentary on your husband...obviously, I don't know him. However, in general, this is the end result.
For his own benefit and yours, he should seek help. There are programs like Covenant Eyes that you can install that will hold him accountable (to a trusted buddy, not necessarily to you). It is a tough battle, and you shouldn't expect perfection. Your love will grow deeper as a result of your journeying through this together.
I agree entirely with this poster...If he needs to find out some ways to make love, pick up the book "Satisfaction" by Kim Cattrall and Mark Levinson...It is a very tastefully illustrated book on making love...It shows in detail, all the ways to stimulate a woman...I left it at the coffee pot one morning as my husband was missing a certain place that I had pointed out and he just didn't get it...I had that page open...When he woke me up naked in bed the next morning, he showed me that he had read it well....
Try to get him away from Porn....Unless you both enjoy it, it can be a marriage breaker....
Thank you everyone for your posts and guidance. We have talked about it and have come to the consensus that our sex life needs some reworking. We communicate pretty well with each other so I am hoping that it will stop for good.
I agree that it's not bad for a couple to watch to get turned on, somtimes. I believe it does set an unrealistic idea in a man's mind of what a woman will do or what she should look like.
Fiancee watching porn behind my back
Re: Fiancee watching porn behind my back
Re: Fiancee watching porn behind my back
