My Wife does not Like Me
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Old 03-11-2008, 02:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Wife does not Like Me

I am a retire 39 year old with three children, been married nineteen years. I live in a large house with white picket fence out in the country within a resort town, I've been retired four years ago and have no debt.

I have a problem

My wife does not like being around me, she engulfs her time with activities outside of the home all day, she leave at 8 in the morning and come home at 7 at night, knowing that I’m at home feeling neglected, bored and dying for some adult time. Why does she do this? Because after nineteen years of marriage she does not like me, I bring her down and she does not have the energy after dealing with the kids and volunteering everywhere to entertain my needs, she resents me for leaving the church, for leaving her with our middle child while starting my business…she resent feeling like being a single mother, hates me drinking, hates my business life, hates talking about money or talking about business and most of all she hates seeing me being unhappy while I sit at home for weeks waiting for her or something to happen.

On my side, I was going out all the time with the guys to fill in that void of adult time. I never cheated on my wife but I did start to notice there were women out there who would like to be with me, I knew it was just a matter of time until I meet a woman who will fill in these voids in my life. So last year I stopped going out with the guys, I’ve slow down the drinking, I help with the kids more, I encourage my wife to go to Yoga every Wedsnday while I watch the kids, I encourage her to do kick boxing on Saturday, I take the kids out every Sunday for movies and dinner, I buy her flowers, cleaning the dishes, clean the kitchen… I stay home while they play on the weekends.

I can list the physical changes in my daily life, yet she does not appreciate or acknowledge these efforts. Worst is these efforts of mine are viewed by her as manipulation to get what I want, which is to be part of her life, to have a husband and wife relationship with her. To view my efforts in this negtive matter only increase the distance beween us which makes my wants more unachivable.

For four years my youngest has been sleeping in my bed while I have been sleeping in the guess room, husband and wife only alone time is in the shower, I’ve gone out on a date no more then 15 time in the last nine years.

I’m normally am a private person, never talk to other about my problems but I’m totally lost on what to do. I’ve shared my problems with my natural dad who tells me “Life is too short to be unhappy” and “if she does not want a relationship with you then I should find someone who does”… my step dad says “these things don’t have answers, that they either work out on their own or not”

Right now at 11 am she sleeping while my youngest is watching the TV.. she is depressed, and with all her friends she has nobody to talk to, I just explain to her that this is un healthy and she need to find a counselor to talk with, now this is effecting my kids who are asking about divorce.

Over all…. Who knows what is going on or what the answers are.
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Old 03-11-2008, 03:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife does not Like Me

Sounds like there is a need for counceling. Not just for her but for both of you together. Also you might sugest that she see's her doctor about depression or a hormone inbalance.

I do think you both need counceling though. One thing I beleave in is that it takes both sides to have an issue. Rarely will you ever see a relationship problem soley one persons fault. Somthing is bothering her and she might not even know what it is and it is holding her back in life.
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Old 03-11-2008, 03:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you for your input....I understand that it takes two to create an issue, I'm no saint. We did the counseling thing where we discovered that my wife had some deep issues about her mother and some with me. The counselor moved out of town and recommended my wife for more counseling, we never followed up with it. My wife has a Thyroid issues and is taking medication for it.
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Old 03-11-2008, 03:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Beleave me I understand issues. My ex of 20 yrs also had them. She fought depression most of our marriage and had a major issue of never letting go of things from her past that she felt wronged her. Never met a women that could hold a grudge as long as she did LOL. For us it took to long to learn how to talk and more importanly to listen to the other person. We would sit to talk and both of us would go right onto the defensive. Humon nature I guess. Amazes me now that we are no longer together how easy we can talk to each other. I guess because there is no expectations. I do hope you can figure out what is going on and a way to solve your problems. Do fallow up and get back into counseling. I'm not a big fan of it but I think in your case it will help alot.

I'm hopeing for the best for you.
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Old 03-11-2008, 03:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Sounds like you played your part and you know this so I'm not going to harp on it. It's never too late to realize you made mistakes and try to repair your marriage. You've been married a long time and over the years your actions may have led your wife to the way she feels. The breakdown in your marriage didn't happen over night and won't get better right away. I think you should find a therapist you both can see together and and seek individual therapy as well. You sound like you really love her and you want to remain married, so hold onto that and be ready to put in the work. With that said she has to want to put in the work too and if she doesn't you can't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held. I wish you the best.
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Old 03-11-2008, 03:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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My part??? I’ve given this woman all the material things she ever wanted, there is no structure or demands to clean the house of cook dinner at a certain time, here life style alone is costing me $90k year We eat out! We hire a cleaning Lady! She drive nice car, kids in private schools, she shops etc. I never hit her nor cheated on her… so for my part am I asking to much from her in return? For the last three years I feel like a neglected husband who is funding a ungrateful wife’s life style so she can get her nails done, eat lunch with friends and drive a nice car around town all day…. While I’m sitting at home waiting for a pissed off, burnt out wife to come home. What on my part did I do wrong?! Did I give to much? Did giving my wife the independence cause the lost of my wife? My part right now is that I did not retire early so I can find a job to hide away from my wife! This is not what I sighed up for.
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Old 03-11-2008, 04:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by James-son View Post
My part??? I’ve given this woman all the material things she ever wanted, there is no structure or demands to clean the house of cook dinner at a certain time, here life style alone is costing me $90k year We eat out! We hire a cleaning Lady! She drive nice car, kids in private schools, she shops etc. I never hit her nor cheated on her… so for my part am I asking to much from her in return? For the last three years I feel like a neglected husband who is funding a ungrateful wife’s life style so she can get her nails done, eat lunch with friends and drive a nice car around town all day…. While I’m sitting at home waiting for a pissed off, burnt out wife to come home. What on my part did I do wrong?! Did I give to much? Did giving my wife the independence cause the lost of my wife? My part right now is that I did not retire early so I can find a job to hide away from my wife! This is not what I sighed up for.
Whoa....I had to go back and read your post again. When you stated you hung out with the guys all the time and started to notice other women I saw a red flag, if I read this wrong I apologize. BUT, the question is do you love your wife? Do you still want to be married to her? Do you want to put the work in to save your marriage? You list all the material things you've provided over the years but is that what she really needed? Sounds like communication with your wife was scarce and the mere fact that neither one of you thougt it important enough to follow up with counseling says alot. All I'm saying is it takes two. Either you want it or not. You signed up for better or worse right?
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Old 03-11-2008, 04:28 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I sorry…you have to understand I’m overly frustrated with this whole issue. My wife thinks that affection to is “kissing my ass” I watch her light up with friends, she is all smiles to the contractor who is working on our estate that I provide, but with me she views my call of affection “kissing my ass”. Why we did not follow up with counseling is unknown to me, I know I was upset that she could make the time for $90 an hour counselor once a week but could not give me the time… a date, lunch…or something. Before someone say: gee you talk about money a lot, yea I do, because I feel like I’m a bank account funding my wife’s life style to play Betty Crooker, while my dreams are hanging out to dry. Three years this, I feel I tried everything except for becoming her little soccer mom side kick….
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Old 03-11-2008, 04:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
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James-son,

I know you're frustrated but you didn't answer any of my questions related to how you still feel about her or if you feel anything at all except resentment. You're feelings are valid, it hurts when the person we love doesn't reciprocate. If it's still worth it to you then by all means try to get back into counseling. Only you know how much you can take in this. You said you left the church, could that be a way to reconnect with her? I don't know what the answer is but I do know that while you fight it out with your wife your kids get caught in the crossfire and that's never a good thing. Happy parents raise happy children. I pray you find comfort and peace and most of all happiness.
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Old 03-11-2008, 06:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I think counseling is it… I’m looking at this logically and I really am lost with what is going on. I watch her yesterday explaining to my middle child that she doesn’t feel appreciated for she does for my middle child….. and here I’m feeling the same about her. I’m burnt out and walking on egg shells to avoid confutation. Just Burnt out.

Thanks for letting wine to you

FYI: hardcore LDS fo nine years until I started me business, I spent all my time working to make $$$ and could not make time for the church, I started drinking beer again during sale meetings and my wife resents it.
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Old 03-11-2008, 10:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife does not Like Me

James-son

Here is my input that you might not like. For eighteen years you neglected your wifes mental and emotional needs. You felt you could buy her stuff to satisfy her with the comfort of love and trust, compassion and appriation. Now after a year of trying to give her these things you find she has become independant from you (after the first 18 years) and doesn't need or want you.

I have read these posts a million times from both sides. If I was talking to your wife right now she'd say it was to little to late.

I think instead of talking through a councilor you need to talk to your wife. Tell her now that you have slowed down you understand how much you have missed out on but that if she gives you a chance you want to be more then just a provider but a husband too.

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Old 03-12-2008, 09:21 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I would recommend reading the 5 love languages. It's frustrating when you are doing what you think should make her happy but if it's not working, she's either thinking your attempts are not genuine (but self-serving to get what you want) or she's given up on the idea of a happy marriage. You seem frustrated that you can't have a quick fix, but it took a long time to get where you are today...I would read the 'losing the love of my life' post by blind...he understands that he needs to be selfless at this point because his wife is not in a position to want to work on things at the moment.
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Old 03-12-2008, 11:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Huuummm good insight… for ¾ of our marriage we became in gulfed in the LDS church, married into the temple, we spent every free minute in the church. My wife wanted to be a stay home wife and have children. We were the Mormon Poster Child, smiles and sun shine everyday. We lived in a shack, we never went out, she hated the TV so we never watched it for years. Everything was great then, for her. I wanted more, make $30k we had no money, $40k no money, $70k no money…so I took a chance under protest of my wife to start my own business. Nine years ago I was the greatest husband in the world; neglect was even in our vocabulary. Now at 39 I whack off more then when I was a teenager, I eat out alone and feeling un-appreciated, I’m walking on egg shells not to upset her… Look at ME now, I’m so desperately lost I typing to you.. Me neglecting my wife?!

What my problem is: We have two dreams fighting with themselves right now, one is to stay home and be supper mom, kids kids kids and more kids at 24 hours a day, she wants me to be part of that life style, together. She loves being grounded. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a family man but I believe a husband and wife need some adult time.

My dreams are to move Australia, rent a condo on the beach, kids learn to surf, have the family explore new things eat new foods. etc

What changed is I retired; I’m home wanting my family to pack up and explore the world with me. My wife sees this as an invasion on her lifestyle and is holding her ground.

I understand this: what I have been trying to get for the last three years is a compromise, of having a nice lunch with my wife, take classes together be it yoga or dancing, make Friday night dinner night, plan a trip, set some goals etc.

I married my wife because she was independent, but her view of my wants is me taking away time from the children is bizarre to me. So its her way or what?
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Old 03-12-2008, 01:34 PM   #14 (permalink)
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James-son,

I just read this entire thread. I think the others have given you some pretty good advice. Swedish referred you to my thread. I certainly don't have all the answers and have a very volatile marriage myself. But, I think I have learned some things over the past few months. If you can find something that helps in my thread, great.

Let me preface this by saying I'm not intending this to be an attack on you. I hope you don't take it that way. But, you are the one posting here and I can only assume you came here for advice and the opinions of others.

Anyway, here is what came to mind when I finished reading this thread. I would take a deep breath and try to get some composure. Your emotions and thoughts are probably all over the place right now. Mine are too, but I find when I can step back, try to relax, and think objectively I feel much better and grounded. It can be tought to get a foothold and your bearings, but trust me it will help. It is okay to break down on occassion but try to do it when you are alone and have some time to recover. This may not be possible all the time, but it helps to try As draconis pointed out, it took years to get where your marriage is and will take a great amount of time and effort to fix. There is nothing that will fix this now, but, there are things that can slowly repair the wounds. Yes there will be scars left but that is okay. Scars remind us of what happened and help us avoid the same mistakes in the future.

I agree you should read The Five Languages of Love. Reading a book will not magically fix the issues, but it will likely give you some perspective on how this all happened. For years I gave my wife what I wanted and she gave me what she wanted. Depiste thinking that I was being a good husband, I missed the mark. Heck, my shot wasn't even on the paper. My wife met my needs a little better. It is not about giving your wife what YOU think she needs, rather, it is about giving your wife what SHE actually needs. It is hard to do this when your wife is not reciprocating. I am dealing with this right now. My wife feels she has been giving me everything with no reciprocation for years. Your wife may feel the same. Remember, perception is reality. Feelings happen, justified or not. If you want this to work I believe you need to find out what she needs. If you can give her this she will be more able to give you what you need. You will need to make sure she understands your needs. To wrap this up, its a two way street of giving and receiving. It also matters very much what is being given and what is being received.

Giving this time will also take patience. I made the mistake of pushing my wife too hard to commit to working on the marriage. This may have been the very thing that caused her to decide divorce is her best option. Please don't make the same mistake I did. It is hard for guys (especially) to be patient. I wanted to get in and get it fixed. My wife's emotions just don't work that way and I doubt your wife's do either.

Is it too little too late? Noone here can tell you that. It may well be too late for my marriage. I'll find out soon enough (and maybe all too soon). You will too. But remember, if there is any chance for the marriage to be saved and be happy you will need to make some changes and commit to them over the long haul. You will need to be consitent. If it is too late atleast you will have some comfort in knowing you did your best once you realized the issues. I can't imagine giving up on my marriage and having to live with the realization that I didn't do my best. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night thinking if I had done a little more maybe it would have worked. (Sorry this sounds so much like the ending of Schindler's List)

I hope you can get your marriage headed in the right direction. As my friend always tells me, "Just keep swingin' Apollo" (quote from Rocky). (Hmm is two movie references in the same post too many?)

Best of luck to you.

Blind
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Old 03-12-2008, 02:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thanks Blind and thank you all.

FYI: My wife is going to see a councilor this afternoon, I think there is more then me that is troubling her, I just registered us for a Christian marriage weekend conference. Family two week vacation next week and Disney Cruz in a month. I also just ordered the book you recommended
Hopefully within that time frame we can reset ourselves and our “love bank for each other”

If this does not work I’m buying a condo in Belize and work on my tan for the next ten years.

Thanks again,

James-son
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