Guys, am I missing the cheating warning signs?

FLgirl · 11-07-2009, 03:49 PM

Hi guys. I am new and would really like some advice. My H and I are 35 and have been married for 10 years. We have been together for the last 17 years. We have 3 kids. We have always had a good marriage up until 2 years ago. His sexual appitite has gone way down (once every 1 - 2 weeks is good for him). Meanwhile my appitite has gone up (I would like 3 -4 times a week). At least I think I'd like to have sex that much... since we haven't done that since before the kids were born, I don't know. I intitate sex frequently, I am turned down frequently. I continually tell him how hot he is and that I love and want him. I make it a point to flirt with him and get him to flirt back. I am adventurous and give frequent BJs. I love sex with him most of the time.. but in the last 2 years he won't take to time to get me to climax as often. So when we do have sex it's usually quick and all about him. I'm left turned on while he is going to sleep.

I have talked to him and he says he loves me, he has even gone so far as to say I've never looked better. He says I'm sexy and continually says I'm out of his league. I'm thinking maybe that is the problem - but that might be wishful thinking. Really he just doesn't seem interested in sex with me. Even after we talked about this he has not changed anything. Also I am becoming paranoid that something else is going on. infidelity? What is the average sex drive of a 35 year old healthy male? yes, he is healthy, no medical reason for the down swing in sex. But he continually blows me off when I initiate (sometimes he is not very nice about it).

Funny enough while he doen't seem interested in me sexually he has become very possessive. He never was before this. He has accused me of looking at other men, he checks my cell phone etc etc..

Today he even suggesteed that we should open up seperate checking accounts so we could each have our own "mad money" to spend. All I could think is that seperate accounts would make cheating a little easier for him. Mind you I have no proff of this... Several of my husbands friends were recently caught having affairs. Maybe I'm just paranoid. What do you think?

stillINshock · 11-07-2009, 08:38 PM

trust your instincts. talk about it. read "Her Needs His Needs" together.

mommy22 · 11-07-2009, 09:19 PM

Well, some of the details do bring some things into question but ai don't think there's enough evidence here to start throwing out accusations. Have you noticed any strange behavior with his cell phone or computer use?

sisters359 · 11-07-2009, 09:57 PM

I think the separate accounts is exactly what you think--a huge, red, waving flag. Refuse to go along with it. Make up your mind now about how much of this you can tolerate, because there is no point in taking a stand you can't maintain. You should tell him this is undermining your trust in him because of the way this behavior coincides with his inexplicable decline in sex with you. The decline in his sexual appetite is not normal for a man at 35--1 to 2 times ever 2 weeks? uh uh. Try to make the conversation calm and about your feelings--feelings of rejection and mistrust. You may want to schedule some appointments with a marriage counselor-- do this now, before the issue becomes even more of a problem. Ultimately you will discover if his love and commitment to you are enough to overcome these challenges or not and again, the ball is in your court and only you can decide how much you can take. Best of luck.

By the way, is it possible he has a porn addiction and uses internet porn? That could explain his lagging attraction to you and a desire for money he doesn't have to account for.

FLgirl · 11-09-2009, 09:48 AM

Thanks 4 the feedback. As far as his cell or computer... unfortunately I have no way of knowing what he is doing on either because they are through his work. I can't log into his laptop and I haven't been desperate enough to steal his cell phone ... yet. As far as porn.. hmmm... strangly enough I have never caught him looking at it or seen any evidence of it --- and we have been together forever.

Honestly I really do not know what to do. Every time I talk to him about it he brushes me off and insists that I am making a big deal of nothing. He acts like I am crazy. He has an "perfectly resonable" excuse for every time he turns down having sex (tired, wants to watch a game, wants to go to the gym etc...).

When this all started I thought it was my fault... you know the old gray mare isn't what she used to be -I am NOT gray by the way

So I started working out I lost the last 10 pounds of baby fat I was carrying. I make an effort to dress sexy, to flirt with him. But frankly I am getting sick of constantly throwing myself at someone who can't be bothered.

I think your advice is correct I guess I have to figure out how much I can take and then draw the line... but I'm scared to do that. I guess my self esteem is really in the dumper. I mean if the person who pledged to love you in front of God and everyone... doesn't find you attractive how will anyone else. I may be destined to be alone forever it i leave him. I mean really nookie once every 2 weeks is better than never right? right?? I don't know.

cody5 · 11-09-2009, 07:36 PM

He's 35 years old, so the sex drive is still there. No doubt. You sound attractive, you dress sexy, throw yourself at him, and he knows all he needs to do is point at his erection and you're down on him in an instant. Hmmmm...I need to go take care of something. Be back in a jiffy.

There. Now I can think straight. I rarely throw this out (seriously anyhow), but have you ever seen any indication that he may be gay? He would hardly be the first to hide it this late in his marriage. At 35, it may just be harder to get into something that doesn't interest him. He can't fake it anymore. That is a better probability than an afair (with a woman anyhow). From what I hear, men go nuts (no pun intended) on their wives sexually to cover their affairs.

Spy on his internet usage. It's evidently easy to do. Just go to your internet provider and get one of those features used to track your kids usage. Don't tell him it's there. He is male so he does look at some kind of porn, so be sure you don't freak out when you see something, and you will. Even if it's just soft-core or non-nude, you'll at least know if it's boys or girls he's looking at.

I can't imagine that would maky you feel any better, but it's a thought. And yes, I'm serious. A moron maybe, but serious. And if it doesn't work out, PM me. Just kidding. Kind of...

brighterlight · 11-09-2009, 08:49 PM

FLgirl, OK, I may get blasted on here for this suggestion but here goes.

If you have already tried to talk to him about it and it has fallen on deaf ears as you say; try denying him sex and see where that goes.

I am assuming from your post that he is the one that wants to have sex on those couple of times those two weeks since you said he is the one that has the O and leaves you hanging. OK, fine, see if he gets it when he needs it and is denied.

If you can stand not having sex for two or three weeks just to see what may be going on then do it. Do this:

When he does come at you for sex on the rare occasion during those two weeks, tell him that you are busy.

martino · 11-10-2009, 02:04 AM

How many tests does she need? if he can go two weeks without there's already a huge problem. Why not try 2 years? I think he might have something going or he's doing a lot of masturbating, or some health issue. Seperate accounts for free spending with a married couple is not only a stupid idea, but makes me wonder.

mommy22 · 11-10-2009, 06:57 AM

I know you said you've asked him questions about certain details but have you asked him straight out, "Are you having an affair? Are you addicted to porn?" Sometimes, you can get a more clear understanding of your instincts depending on the person's response. If he's constantly truing to rush through these questions as if tap dancing around them, there may be cause for concern. If he chooses to get in a more deep-rooted discussion with you regarding your concerns, you may be able to relax a little.

Typically people who are innocent aren't going to want to change the subject so fast. They're going to wonder why you're wondering such things.

cody5 · 11-10-2009, 10:25 AM

Don't forget "are you gay"? There is a post in another section where a wife says her husband likes to look at teen boy porn. He claims it's an intillectual curiosity, or something. The thought of him being gay crossed her mind briefly but she rejected it.

WHAT?

sisters359 · 11-10-2009, 02:57 PM

You don't have to deliver an ultimatum, at least not unless you are ready to leave. You do need to say, "this is a serious threat to our marriage and we need to get to the bottom of it. I need to know why your sexual behavior toward me has changed so much. We can start with our medical doctor and move on to a therapist if you are completely healthy--or you can tell me what YOU really think is wrong. Either way, I need to understand so we can deal with this together, because this situation is not acceptable to me." See what he says--no excuse is "perfectly reasonable" when it's causing a marital issue. No game, no workout, is that important, for sure. If you cannot get an answer and a reasonable compromise (one you can live with), then you can think about leaving, but there is a lot of room to work with here.

If you are down to once every 2 weeks already, what will it be like in a few years? That's what you need to think about--later, not now. Maybe if he understands that you will love him for being honest and trusting you with his answer no matter what (and make sure you WILL--what if he is gay, for example?)--then he may open up. The truth may hurt, but at least it will end the confusion!

brighterlight · 11-10-2009, 05:20 PM

martino, notice she said in her initial post that when they do have sex "it's usually quick and all about him." So I am assuming from that statement that he does need sex at least one or twice every two weeks. So it stands to reason that if she holds out on him for a couple of weeks - he will ask what is going on? If he doesn't; then there is a hint that something else is wrong, or he is getting it somewhere else.

That is why I made ther suggestion since she indicates that talking doesn't help. I guarantee you that becuase sex is all about him during those rare times that he will be wondering what is going on if she holds out on him until he cracks.

I am not saying this is the preferred option but it is an option that mat very well work to get answers.

martino · 11-10-2009, 11:10 PM

And i'm saying that once or twice every two weeks isn't enough or normal. He disrespects her for some big reason I think.

FLgirl · 11-11-2009, 12:41 PM

Wow, thanks you guys for all the feedback and suggestions. To answer some of your questions, no I have not tried turning him down. I could try it but truthfully I'm not sure he'll notice and (blushing here) I'm not sure I could take it. It is helpful that you all think once every 2 weeks is not normal for a 35 year old male. That is his big excuse. He refuses to see this as an issue, mainly because it is not an issue for HIM.

Last night I brought it up again and we spoke at length. He stil maintains that his is 35 and that is the reason he is not that interested in sex. He avoids giving me a straight answer for his sudden paranoia & being possesive.

I laid it all on the line. I need intimacy from him 3 - 4 times a week (is that unreasonable?? seriously, I'm just not sure anymore) I pleaded with him to see things from my point of view... 1) He had an EA about 3 years ago (he refuses to agnowledge this). 2) He has lost interest in sex with me. 3) He has become increasingly suspicious and possesive of me. 4) He wants to open up seperate checking accounts... after 10 years marriage and no past problems with a joint acct.

His reaction was to again deny any real issue with the women he had a fling with (my words - not his). He reluctantly ageed that if I find our sex life (or lack thereof) a problem that he will work on that. I insisted he go to a doctor and talk to him about his lack of interest - he DID NOT like this but reluctatly agreed.

Ultimatley he apologized for inadvertantly killing my self esteem and agreed to do some of the things I suggested. He refuses therapy and continues to deny the issues surrounding the EA. I continue to say EA even though I really do not know the full extent of this affair.

Now this am he was oh so nice to me. Very helpful with the kids and actually put dishes away!! It was like a miracle. I was nice back, and part of me felt good that he was being nice (take it where you can get it). But the other part of me recognizes that he is being a nice guy now because he feels guilty. His being nice is temporary... his guilt is temporary. But I seem to permanently be the fool who stays faithful, who begs for crumbs of his affection.

Laughing here, thanks for the compliment Cody... i would be lieing if I said I haven't thought of finding someone else. I get hit on now and again.... It would be nice to feel wanted and sexy to the opposite sex again. I know it would be wrong in a huge way to act on that, so I don't, but does anyone else feel that way?

Tuesday · 12-08-2009, 11:57 AM

I am completely relating to your story FlGirl....I am in the very same boat! I do not like the warning signs....I think there is a lot that he is not telling you. I lived with the shades over my eyes for years...I was the one who said and was oh so certain.."He would never cheat" he did! Sex activity had diminished before his A, but not because I didn't want it. I am always the one who initiates and need sit more. I think you and he need to reconnect. It is possible to get it back to being a healthy active sexual loving relationship, but it takes a lot of work. I am still working at it. Sometimes, I think it's getting better, other times I am not so sure.