stillINshock

Ok, so my H has admitted to not only recently having an "Emotional Affair" - meaning online/photos/phone, but also to having had a physical affair about 10 years ago. He promises he's come clean on everything.

I just need a guys reality check.

Do you believe this story...
The "emotional affair" exposed most recently was never physical - as in actual contact (so he promises). There was emotion - lots of affection - shared. There were very sexual photos - some under his 'direction' - as in 'change the angle.' There were many solo biz trips. I found an email in which he was bragging to a friend that he was meeting her (out of town). This went on for a few months - then he revealed too much to me - as in told my sons at the dinner table that he was invited (out of town) as 'her' date. That was it for me - I knew that what I thought was a professional relationship was completely crossing a line. Went to his email - found much - confronted him - he confessed - ended it (i am sure of this) - then eventually in stages mind you across a number of months confessed answers to my questions in dealing with this all. (He also confessed at this time to the other affair that was physical 10 years ago.)

Important note, the person he had the recent EA with was actually a prostitute. Was in the past, now is more 'living off other married men's financial support - as she literally brags. This is not a normal person - and she clearly knows how to get what she needs. She made my H feel like a rock star.

So...
My question for you. Am I an idiot to dare to believe his promise that "his hands never touched her" and that they were never actually in the same city after their first meeting? (That the time I found that text the plans were actually changed and they never actually crossed paths.) During the affair he was out of town traveling probably at half the time - as in PLENTY of opportunity.

What do you think? Is it possible that a very aggressive prostitute matched with a history-of-lying & cheating mid-life crisis sex-crazed guy might actually have ended the relationship - the highly sexually erotic relationship, without the physical? (He admitted that if he did end up in the same city as her at some point he would have undoubtedly had sex.)

He says he wanted me to find out, wanted to hurt me because he didn't think I cared for him any more, and gave too much of my time to others (kids/community/etc). And that when it was getting too much, he 'got sick of it" (the affair) and wanted it to end, so dropped way too many clues to not be found out.

You don't know him, you don't know me. But what do you think? Am I a complete idiot to believe him?

recent_cloud

well, your husband has crossed the threshhold to a physical affair before

and he had plenty of opportunity to bed her, you say.

that's basic arithmetic, it adds up only one way i can think of

and the odds are there's more he hasn't told you.

a physical affair ten years ago, then nothing, now this

that's what doesn't add up.

his admission that he would have slept with her had they met in the real world sounds like a red herring, an atempt to create the perception of full disclosure.

if i may offer a perspective:

it may not matter whether the affair was in the real world.

it was still real.

and you should focus your time talents and intellect (which your writing belies) on whether you wish to remain and try to help your husband right your marriage

or go.

i'll leave you with this:

he cheated ten years ago, and now this.

so, once a cheater always a cheater seems apropro.

stillINshock

I sooooo feel there is more he is not telling me. Besides a polygraph, any suggestions for how to get to the truth? He's very defensive and just wants me to move on whenever I bring it up. I honestly feel he would rather quit than confess any more. (Even with nearly 20 years and a gaggle of kids in tow.)
How can I get to the truth???

recent_cloud

if you wish to stay married and your husband is finally being honest with you (and those statements are in order of believability) then you need to be patient

if he's truly remorseful, he's embarassed as well and afraid any more details will (probably rightfully) push you away

he does need to be transparent with you right now though and answer any and all questions and address any and all concerns you may have.

the kneejerk reaction of considering a polygraph test (even in jest) reflects the erosion of a baseline of honesty in your marriage.

but that being said, if you want to build an honest marriage then you might want to consider laying back a little and not be too agressive with questioning.

if you don't wish to stay married then it really doesn't matter how much more story there is to his betrayals.

and as for twenty years of marriage, i espouse to the doc phil rule:

the only thing worse than staying in a bad marriage for twenty years is staying in a bad marriage for twenty years and one day.

if you don't mind my opinion, again, once a cheater (twice you're aware of over a ten year span) always a cheater.

stop focusing on the details of betrayal and concentrate on transforming your life into the life you know you deserve.

stillINshock

yes. transformation in progress. much patience needed. it took him 10 years to confess the first. maybe it is best that i don't get the details for another 10. he's being the nice/good person i knew long ago. if he can stay 'clean' my life is what i want. but now, with strength built and independence being strengthened, if i do need to break away due to a 'next time' i will be more mentally prepared. thanks for the blunt honesty. this sucks, but i'm not hungry or cold, and my life is not in danger unlike many people around the world in a much harsher reality.