being SERIOUS...have any of u been DONE and changed your mind??

lost1234 · 11-08-2009, 10:10 PM

have any of you men given up and checked out on your wife and family...only to change your mind and want to come home?

if you follow my posts, it has been a roller coaster ride due to low testosterone and h's mlc and depression.(yes, all have been dx by a physician) i am also in counceling...wanting to hear from real people... i am curious as to what turned you around...

did you choose once you figured things out on your own? my h wants no help from anyone, this rips my heart out because there is nothing i can do or say...i only care for and improve myself and take care of our young girls.

i know he wants to hear nothing about our situation from me...good or bad. i just try to listen and support. there has been no lying( except one time that only lasted a few hours and it was because he helped an old neighbor, an older man move some of his belongings into a new apt). the guilt bothered him because we were to go on an outing with our youngests softball team... he came clean, and we arrived a bit late...

he is a good man, wonderful husband and remarkable father. i am just wearing out...i dont know what to do or what to expect. just when i think things are improving he pulls away suddenly and becomes distant.

any input appriciated!

preso · 11-09-2009, 09:02 AM

Depressed people are not known for making descions, that is something very hard for them to do.
He could have many reservations in addition to that with the financial situation he will be left in with a divorce.
Typically a person has to want to help themselves and accept help
and it does not sound like he is wanting that or ready for it.

You will have to let him go and move on with life, without him being your partner and spouse as you can't keep living like that or raise kids in that enviroment. When he is ready, he will seek help on his own, nothing you can say or do will make him want to help himself.
Only he can do that.

D8zed · 11-09-2009, 09:38 AM

lost.....

Keep in mind that we men are emotional creatures too. I may have one of the suckiest marriages in town and I have been on the edge of the separation/divorce cliff ready to jump. In fact, I was sitting in the parking lot of a townhome complex ready to sign a lease but I couldn't do it. I eventually told my wife I thought we should give MC one last try.

I think my W would tell you I have been a yo-yo with leaving/staying and it's been hard on her emotionally. But I don't do it purposely.

On one day (even one hour) it seems that moving out would be best for everyone, especially me. But then, thoughts of how the kids will view me and how it will affect them enter my mind and it seems staying would be best. Then, my W will do something that reminds me of what a loveless marriage I'm in and then I know I have to do something. But then, I go outside and work in the yard and remember how much I like my house and how I wish I could just have a happy marriage so I decide to stay.

Anyway, that's just a small glimpse into the mind of a F-ed up unhappy married guy.

lost1234 · 11-09-2009, 09:50 AM

ty!
it is that i see my h on the other side...wanting to come home to all of that especially the children. but he says he cant take the chance right now...because of me???

im sorry, i have been crying since last night...i need to pick myself up but cant muster the strength right now

D8zed · 11-09-2009, 09:56 AM

"but he says he cant take the chance right now...because of me???"

Can you expand on that statement? What does "take the chance" mean? Chance of what? And what does "because of me" mean?

I realize your answers will be from YOUR perspective, not his, but I'd still like to hear them.

P.S. Why are you apologizing?

lost1234 · 11-09-2009, 10:53 AM

chance of things returning to the way they were...
i am saying bcause of me with the trust, appreciation and stuff...
i am guilty also of not understanding that we needed times for ourselves either...i also took that from him.
im not accepting all blame for the marital problems...those that were my doing i have corrected...and understand WHY they were wrong to begin with.
i assume that is why he wont take the chance...

im apologizing because im all over the map here...total wreck today!

D8zed · 11-09-2009, 11:01 AM

So H is hesitant to return because he fears the marital relationship will return to what it was pre-separation? Is that correct?

Does he accept any responsibility for the relationship becoming what it had become? Does he feel the blame is 50/50 for the problems?

lost1234 · 11-09-2009, 11:12 AM

yes...exactly. yes also to the fact that it was both of us

recent_cloud · 11-09-2009, 11:59 AM

when it became clear to me that it was best to sever my relationship i did so without hesitation.

it wasn't easy, in fact, it was one of the most difficult things i've ever done.

i wonder if people who vascilate about their marriage do so because they're just really not sure of their decision yet.

that would be understandable.

you're husbands' medical problems are driving your marriage right now and that's just not good.

your husband's poor decisions are most likely driven by his medical conditions

but they're his decisions nontheless, and they're hurting you and your marriage.

at some point you have to realize it doesn't matter what motivates another to hurt you, you just need the hurt to stop.

MEM11363 · 11-09-2009, 12:14 PM

When you say you didn't make time for the two of you is that code for you rarely/never had sex with him?

Did he bring that up as a problem? If so, did you try to fix it or did you ignore the problem until he moved out?

Quote:

Originally Posted by lost1234

have any of you men given up and

checked out on your wife and family...only to change your mind and want to come home?

if you follow my posts, it has been a roller coaster ride due to low testosterone and h's mlc and depression.(yes, all have been dx by a physician) i am also in counceling...wanting to hear from real people... i am curious as to what turned you around...

did you choose once you figured things out on your own? my h wants no help from anyone, this rips my heart out because there is nothing i can do or say...i only care for and improve myself and take care of our young girls.

i know he wants to hear nothing about our situation from me...good or bad. i just try to listen and support. there has been no lying( except one time that only lasted a few hours and it was because he helped an old neighbor, an older man move some of his belongings into a new apt). the guilt bothered him because we were to go on an outing with our youngests softball team... he came clean, and we arrived a bit late...

he is a good man, wonderful husband and remarkable father. i am just wearing out...i dont know what to do or what to expect. just when i think things are improving he pulls away suddenly and becomes distant.

any input appriciated!

lost1234 · 11-09-2009, 03:17 PM

MEM, no the sex was never a problem...when i said time for ourselves, i meant time for each of us to do things alone or with friends...hobbies and the such...