WhatNow?

I dont know how to fix this. My husband and I have always had a rocky relationship (together 5 years, married 3.5) and now we are steadily falling apart. He criticizes me a lot and whenever there is an issue he will blame it on me "This would be better if you didnt...", or "this wouldnt happen if you...", etc. Its demoralising and infuriating. It's difficult to respect him when he doesnt even allow me to have my own opinion without him finding fault with it. He said I had a drinking problem - I stopped drinking. He said I have a smoking problem (weed) - I stopped smoking. Never mind his and his mates love affair with cocaine. THATS ok. But because he just doesnt like weed, its definitely not ok for me to smoke it. A control freak - thats what he is. We dont spend any time together and this may sound childish but I have to watch him lavish attention on our dogs while I am dying for it. The other morning we were still in bed and he was cuddling our female, I said "I'd love some of that", or words to that effect and his reply was "The dog smells better". He said he was joking but it cut me really deeply. He lost close to 3/4 of a million on his business recently and now has had to go out and get another job so we are in the throes of a financial crsis as well.

He likes to blame everything wrong with us on me due to the fact that he thinks I had 'an affair' at the beginning of our relationship. I didnt and we werent even married. And if he believed that and it was such a fcuking issue then, why the fcuk did he say he wanted to work things out, if only to make me pay for it every single day of the rest of my life?? I have begged forgiveness for something I didnt do wrong!

In all fairness, he has had a bad year, his mom was killed in a car accident, he lost his job overseas (and now the business as well) but it seems like the marriage is something he either doesnt want to or know how to work on. It's like, if he's earning money I should be happy and if he's not, then I need to shut up and wait until he is. How much am I supposed to put up with? He likes to blame it all on me but cant he see how he is affecting me with HIS attitude? How can I smile and act adoring when there is nothing to smile about? He comes home and watches tv. We have nothing to talk about. I cant handle being given the cold shoulder for three days in a row when he is upset with me for whatever reason. I never get to have my say without him becoming angry and defensive and freezing me out. There is no more spontaneity, no more fun, no communication, we snap at one another almost every day. I am so tired, so sad. Does someone have any advice for me please?

Appreciated.

military guy

Two things. I would communicate all of what you wrote to him and not stand for any type of abuse. If he says something mean to you and you just take it, it will continue. Not saying to yell or fight. Just make it clear to him that you will not be talked to that way or you are out. This one will not give you respect unless you earn it. Good luck

preso

He sounds impossible and unlovable. How you stay with him is beyond me. I would have left long ago. Thats not a marriage and he sounds like someone you will grow to hate and loathe.
I'd look to leaving now before you end up in severe depression and unable to help yourself. What could be worse than having to depend on someone with his attitude?
ugh !

WarmFront

How often does he use cocaine?

I am sorry to say this, but a lot of your explanation about him sounds like the typical behavior of a coke addict.

"Usually controlling, verbally abusive, cold and outright hateful to those closest to them, cocaine changes the chemical makeup of the brain to react differently to certain situations."

I would suggest stepping back and re-evaluating your relationship with him. Ask your self, do you want to stay in this relationship? If the answer is yes, then you seriously need to start developing a plan of action where the two of you can sit down together and work out your problems.

Don't take any more of his verbal abuse. Because that is exactly what it is.. Abuse.

You can try to talk to him rationally about how you feel and explain how his actions upset you. Also, you could try to get him to open up and express his true feelings towards you. There may be some un-resolved issues that you two have never communicated about.

If he does in fact have a drug problem, that issue should be worked on first, otherwise it will be almost impossible to communicate with him.

I wish you the best of luck.