I just got back from my counseler. I feel real good. Talking about it helps me alot. I dont know if this will save our marriage?? But at least I'm trying to heal myself. If she wants to share this "new and improved" me, then great. But if that is not what she wants??? I will get over it, and be a better man!!
Finally a healthy perspective. I was on the verge of giving you a gentle 2x4 on this.
YES, all you can do is be your own man, find a way to be happy and detach. She's secondary in this equation as you can't make her responsible for your happiness.
You may want to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's a good book on "nice guy's" and the real dysfunction behind it.
I just got back from my counseler. I feel real good. Talking about it helps me alot. I dont know if this will save our marriage?? But at least I'm trying to heal myself. If she wants to share this "new and improved" me, then great. But if that is not what she wants??? I will get over it, and be a better man!!
What specifically about the marriage would you like to save?
I am guessing it is not Dishonesty or Arguments... so can you give names to the aspects of this particular marriage that you might want to save?
Also, what about you has become new and improved? Can you describe or list the difference the improvements have made: different perspective? more relaxed? something else?
I guess that I want to save the marriage for my children. I love my wife, and we had a lot of good times. We used to have passion for each other?? We used to feel good when we did things for the other?? I liked taking care of her. We grew apart after the kids started growing up. I worked lots of hours. Plus I've got lots of hobbies that take up some of my time. She on the other hand, has no hobbies. I tried to include her in some of my activities, like go to a softball game, or take the dogs for a walk, but she never wanted to include herself. I have been trying to spend more time with her, help her out around the house more, cut down on my activities, etc. I want to be a better husband and father. I dont see any difference in her perspective?? She is still unwilling to make any effort in the relationship. She continually finds ways to break my heart?? She wrote me a letter today saying that she is tired of talking about the issues. It was a ten page letter, and in it she mentioned seperation 5 times. "It is not what I want" she says, but why did she mention it so much?? We went and had lunch today and I expressed my feelings, and told her my expectations for our relationship. Then after a meaningful conversation, she gives me this letter?? It just confuses me more?? Does she want we to leave??(I will not leave my house. She will leave.) or does she want we to stay?? We had a good day yesterday, she wanted to talk about some issues, and I said, no, lets talk about some happy times we had together. It improved her attitude, and we actually made love afterwards!! She says that I'm beating her about about the past??? I just need to know the truth so I dont keep thinking the worst case senarios. Maybe I'm wrong?? But she has lied to me for so long, about sooo much, I cant help myself.
You cannot keep a marriage together with a chronic drug user.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dan681
I guess that I want to save the marriage for my children. I love my wife, and we had a lot of good times. We used to have passion for each other?? We used to feel good when we did things for the other?? I liked taking care of her. We grew apart after the kids started growing up. I worked lots of hours. Plus I've got lots of hobbies that take up some of my time. She on the other hand, has no hobbies. I tried to include her in some of my activities, like go to a softball game, or take the dogs for a walk, but she never wanted to include herself. I have been trying to spend more time with her, help her out around the house more, cut down on my activities, etc. I want to be a better husband and father. I dont see any difference in her perspective?? She is still unwilling to make any effort in the relationship. She continually finds ways to break my heart?? She wrote me a letter today saying that she is tired of talking about the issues. It was a ten page letter, and in it she mentioned seperation 5 times. "It is not what I want" she says, but why did she mention it so much?? We went and had lunch today and I expressed my feelings, and told her my expectations for our relationship. Then after a meaningful conversation, she gives me this letter?? It just confuses me more?? Does she want we to leave??(I will not leave my house. She will leave.) or does she want we to stay?? We had a good day yesterday, she wanted to talk about some issues, and I said, no, lets talk about some happy times we had together. It improved her attitude, and we actually made love afterwards!! She says that I'm beating her about about the past??? I just need to know the truth so I dont keep thinking the worst case senarios. Maybe I'm wrong?? But she has lied to me for so long, about sooo much, I cant help myself.
She says she has stopped?? I dont know what to believe anymore. We have good days, followed by bad days. Some days I want to spend all day with her, other days, I dont even want to look at her. I know that she probably still wants to do coke. But coke is not as addictive as crack or heroin. The withdrawal symptoms are easier on the user. She is showing no signs of withdrawal. She is moody, and very emotional. I think the way she is acting is mostly from her feeling of guilt. But her feelings of guilt make her withdraw from me?? Instead of bringing her closer to me?? I stopped trying to make sense of it?? I'll give her some space(at home), but I wont trust her out of the house. I drive her to work, I take the kids where they have to go, if she wants to go over a friends, I have to know them, and then I will drop her off. She said that she feels like a prisioner, well, I have to treat her this way, so she don't screw up again. I can't take this anymore. One more screw up and she is gone!! I keep reading the self help books about relationships to try and find some peace in myself. If we do break up, someone is going to get a man that knows how to satisfy a women, and my wife will miss out.
Yesterday was mostly negative. We tried to talk for a while, but it just angered both of us, and we ended up fighting. But the good news is aftewards, we had makup sex. Sometimes shes nice, and other times she is evil. I hope this is making progress.
We put up our tree this weekend, and it really lifted my spirits! She went to a concert with her mother last night, and came home in a good mood?? I thought her mother would fill her with poison?? We made love again, and it was good!! We both enjoyed it this time!! Maybe there is hope for us?? She still needs to make a better effort. I'm waiting!!
Another day of counseling. I always feel good after I leave her office. I went a bought my wife a rose and took it to her work. I need to stay positive!!
Another day of counseling. I always feel good after I leave her office. I went a bought my wife a rose and took it to her work. I need to stay positive!!
What is it about the counseling that leads you to feel good? Is it one thing or many? Does your partner feel this good feeling as well? What does she attribute it to?
I am wondering about how you both might continue to draw on these good feelings and bring them into your relationship, even when the counselling is over.
I feel releived. I know that I can speak my heart, and not be judged by my counseler. My wife feels threatened by her. She says that she enjoys it, but I dont think she does. We have been going seperately, but, next week, we are going together? She wont open up when I'm in the room?? I dont think we are ready to go together. She needs to forgive herself, before she can open up to me!! She still speaks without thinking about my feelings. She doesn't even know that she is breaking my heart? I want unconditional love from her, and she is not willing to give it to me?? ohh-well!!
Sanity is a good thing to have. You are in a "crazy making" relationship. No matter how hard you try, you are just banging your head against the wall. Go see a counselor, either through your EAP (employee assistance program at work) or through your insurance. You need professional help. My best example would be that you are in a swimming pool and your wife is drowning (cocaine, lying, cheating) and you are trying to be the life guard. And what happens when someone tries to save someone from drowning and they are not trained? Then take you down too and you both drown. You both need a professional.
I just saw your earlier post. Glad to hear you are getting help and that it is helpful. Keep taking care of yourself. She has got to choose to do it on her own.
I feel releived. I know that I can speak my heart, and not be judged by my counseler. My wife feels threatened by her. She says that she enjoys it, but I dont think she does. We have been going seperately, but, next week, we are going together? She wont open up when I'm in the room?? I dont think we are ready to go together. She needs to forgive herself, before she can open up to me!! She still speaks without thinking about my feelings. She doesn't even know that she is breaking my heart? I want unconditional love from her, and she is not willing to give it to me?? ohh-well!!
So you want Unconditional Love and she wants Forgiveness.
She doesn't know what she wants?? Sometimes its me, sometimes its not?? I'm trying hard to understand why?? I never knew that I was such a bad husband??
We had a good holiday. She is really coming around. She is starting to show me the love that I need. She is also showing me that she wants to stay in this relationship. Thank the lord!! I haven't felt like this in a long time. I hope the new year is a good one. Thank god for my counseler. I think we are almost done with her. We actually can talk for hours without hurting anyones feelings. We are having great sex!! She is showing me that she is committed to ME!!! I hope everyone elses new year is as good as mine!!
Re: Betrayal and depression??
She says that I'm beating her about about the past??? I just need to know the truth so I dont keep thinking the worst case senarios. Maybe I'm wrong?? But she has lied to me for so long, about sooo much, I cant help myself.
Sometimes shes nice, and other times she is evil. I hope this is making progress.
