I've been married for 14 years. I just recently found out that my wife had an affair. She also told me that she had been lying and doing cocaine for @ three years. We went to our first marriage counseling session last night. I am trying to make this work. The counseler really made it hard on my wife to lie anymore. She was very uncomfortable. During the session, she was asked "why do you love your husband?" She couldn't think of anything??? All she came up with is "I support her." What the heck?? She was then asked what she fell in love with me in the first place. Her response was to get defensive and mutter" it wasn't all nice."??? I don't know what to make of all this??? It almost seems like she doesn't want this to work out at all. She continually blames me for her mistakes. I am trying to be a better man and forgive her, but her actions are making it harder and harder!!
They both started around the same time. At this time, her brother was breaking into our house and stealing from us. He was hooked on heroine. I asked her to stand up to him for us and she refused. At this point, @ 3 years ago, I thought our marriage was done. She did also, and had the affair and started using coke. A few months later, I caught her brother in my cellar, and had him arresteed. We were never closer!! We cried in each others arms, and professed our love of each other. Little did I know that she just had an affair, and was lying and using coke. A few weeks back, she started acting strangely?? I caught her in a lie, and she admitted that she was using coke. A few days later, as we were tring to discuss it, she admitted to the affair. We kept arguing for days about it. I wanted to know the names of her friends that she was using with. She refused to give up the names, be she gave up the name of the guy she slept with??? Why would she protect her coke friends??? Does she have feeling for them??? Is she still lying to me about somthing?? I am so confused!!!
Oh dear, none of this sounds good. I don't know about you, but the drug use in my book, is just as bad as the affair. Is she saying she wants to work it out with you? Is she still in contact with the other guy? And is she saying that she is going to try to stop using coke?
She says that she is going to stop the coke use. She also states that she has never seen the guy since the "one nite stand"??? I don't know what to beleive anymore. She says that she wants to make the marriage work?? Is this also a lie?? She does not seem to committed to this relationship. She keeps blaming me for all this??
I don't know why she would lie about wanting to make the marriage work. But I can see someone lying about stopping the drug use. She may think she can hide that a little better from you. That being said, I think the fact that it was a one night stand is somewhat better than it being an ongoing affair with actual emotion involved. Not that it's an excuse, but maybe the coke affected her in a way that made her unable to make good choices. Again, certainly not an excuse. As someone who has cheated, one of the first things you do, is blame the other person. Whether or not it's valid, has to be determined by those involved. In the end, it was her choice to cheat and most likely anything you may or may not have done to her isn't a good reason for her to stray.
But I have issues with beleiving what she says. She has been lieing to me for years, why should I believe her now?? I asked her about the drug use, and she gets defensive. I asked her where she got the money to get the drugs, and she said that her friends "gave" it to her??? Coke is not cheap!!! I can not see any one giving away a $50 bag of coke if your not going to get something in return?? Maybe once in a while, but not as much as she stated doing it. I would have noticed the money missing from my accounts??? Why would she protect these people?? She had no problem giving me the name of the guy she slept with, but she refuses to give me the names of the people she was doing the drugs with??? I dont know what to believe!!
We had our first counseling session on monday. My wife was very defensive when the counseler confronted her about some issues. She put up a wall, and would not take responsibility for anything. She even blamed me for her affair??? When she was asked why she loves me, she was silent for a couple of minutes?? The only thing she said was"He supports me."??? WTF??? I was very disappointed about this, and confronted her when we got home. She just denied it. The next day, we talked for 4 1/2 hours and made alot of progress. She accepted responsibility for her actions. She stopped blaming me for everything!! She showed remorse. This is what I've been wanting since I found out about all this ****. I still need to know some of the details about her drug usage. I think I deserve that. She agreed that she would be honest with me, and try to make an effort to save this relationship. I don't know weather to believe her or not?? I want to, but I have some reservations. In the days leading up to thanksgiving, she has been hot and cold towards me. She doesn't seem to be putting any extra effort in??
I'm wondering from what you said whether the counselor has jumped ahead a little too far. But it is hard to say from the post. Rather than assuming Love, did the counselor first explore what feelings/ emotions were present? I expect Love is there but perhaps there are others as well and there is sense in hearing about these. In couples counseling, it is very easy to get caught up in The Blame Game. Blame loves hanging around couples counseling. Part of a therapists role is to try to keep Blame out of the sessions. Perhaps that is one place to ask your counselor to start, addressing the Blame in the relationship and in the room.
Is she addicted to the coke? Recreation and addiction are different. If she's an addict, and if there has been more than one affair, or if sex is involved in accessing the drugs, then the addiction needs to get dealt with before you'll get anywhere near the truth.
Ongoing affairs are addictive, too. Same pattern of lying, minimizing, blame shifting, furtiveness. There's a saying, "believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see" while she's in this mess.
Her actions will tell you more than her words. If she stay's home at night, is forthcoming with her whereabouts, takes steps to make amends and give you a measure of comfort and safety, takes responsibility for righting wrongs, you have hope.
More likely it will be a few days or weeks of effort on her part, then some justification to go back to how she was behaving.
I doubt marriage counselling will help much until she gets some individual counselling and figures out what the hell she is doing and why.
I want to know who she was with and when. She has been lieing to me for years, and unless she is willing to come clean, I dont know if I can forgive her. There is more to her story then she is telling me!! As much as it is going to hurt me, I need her to be honest to me. That is a start. We made progress last night. We talked for 5 hours, trying to resolve some problems. After making lots of progress, and her being honest with me, she says, "what if I slept around on you last month?" She tought it was a joke, but it is to soon to be making these references about her infedlity??? Why would she say that if she isnt guilty??? We made so much progress, and she is willing to throw this under the bus?? I dont know what to believe anymore?? I am making an efort?? When is she going to try??? Am I supposed to believe everything she says?? I dont!! She has hurt me so bad, and I am still trying to forgive her??? When will she be honest with me?? I never asked her about the affair, I just want to know why??? Its easy for her to blame me for all of this, But she has a hard time acepting responsibility for what she has done. I appreciate any input, beacause I am so confused!!!
I tried again to make a connection with my wife. We went to my fathers house for his birthday party, then afterwards we went out and had a few drinks. I know that alcohol isnt supposed to help, but it helps us?? We can be uninhibited, and speak our feelings. After we got home, I gave her a sensoual massage, with out asking for sex!! It happens to be that time of the month. I took care of myself afterwards?? She still seems so distant?? Sometimes shes happy. and flick the switch, and she is miserable?? I cant figure out her mood changes?? I am making an effort to do the right thing. I cant wait till our next counseling session, which is scheduled for next thursday. good luck to all!!
Another day, another fight!! I am at the end of my rope. I am tring to make every effort to save this relationship, and she isnt willing to try?? Am I that bad of a guy?? She has broken my heart for the last time!! I can not take this abuse anymore!! Either she accepts responsibility for her mistakes, and makes an effort to make things right, or I am going to ask her to leave. We have to girls that I do not want to hurt, but she is making this difficult on all of us. Everything that I have done to make this right is meaningless to her?? She is still blaming me for all this?? I didn't sleep around, or sneak around doing drugs behind her back??? Why can't she appreciate me?? Most everyone that I have talked to have said that they would not be able to get over it?? I will try counseling one more week, and see where that takes us, but I doubt that it will do any good. At least the counseler is on my side. It seems that no one else is!!
Betrayal and depression??
