I put this together...I haven't given it to him yet...but would appreciate some feedback on it.
"I want you to know that I love you very much. You are the love of my life and I see us together for a very long time. We just seem to be disconnected at the moment and Iím not sure what to do about it.
It seems that we have different priorities I guess and Iím hoping if I get mine out there, maybe it will help to bring us back together as a couple and a team.
I guess I always thought that when I got married, it meant that I wouldnít have to do everything alone and face everything alone. I feel like I do. I deal with my own car issues, when there is a serious issue with my mom, I am at the hospital in the middle of the night by myself, Iím the only one to clean the house and most of the time the only one to wash the dishes and put them away. I feel like Iím working so hard to try to keep us afloat financially and I have to fight against the porn sites as well the monthly bills that we have.
I feel like that you have no pride in our relationship, our marriage, our home or our life. I feel like the single most important thing to you about our relationship is sex..and beyond that I feel like itís your only focus. Sex is wonderful, itís fun and feels good, but I donít feel that it should be the only thing. You say you donít ask me to compete with those women in the videos, but you ask me to be themÖto be something I am not when we have sex. The last time, you made love to me and that was the first time in a very long time. Our sex life is about your fantasies, and when I tell you things I like, it feels like it doesnít matter to you because itís not in your fantasy.
You knew before we moved in that the gutter on the house needed to be fixed, and Steve fixed in the freezing weather. I asked you not too long after we moved in to take the cement to the garage and itís still in the basement. We got the caulking tape to fix the shower and itís been in the basement for almost a year. The pipe snake, I took it out to the garage the first time, and I asked you last year to take it back out to the garage. You took the pictures off the wall when they brought the dryer down, but youíve never bothered to put them back up. I asked if you would get rid of the Infinity before winter set in and sent you several links to get it done, and itís still in the driveway. To my knowledge, you have not followed up with the state of Colorado on the taxes they want you to pay for again, that we have already paid. It just doesnít seem like anything is important to you except sex.
I appreciate that you are taking showers more often. When we got together you would shower and brush your teeth and shave every day. You always smelled so nice. I am very concerned about the health of your mouth. I hate dentists as well, but I go anyway. My teeth are sensitive that itís agony to go, but I know I need to in order to keep my mouth healthy and I donít even chew tobacco. We used to kiss all the time and I miss it, but with the odor from your mouth, itís hard to want to be that close and most of the time, there is brown from Copenhagen on your lips. Not to mention that your teeth can make you very sick if they are not kept healthy. Hygiene is important to me and I try to keep myself clean and smelling good.
Stopping on the way home to get you chew and dinner may not seem like a huge thing and itís really not. But I feel irritated because you drive past all the same places that I do when Iím on my way home from momís and Iím generally pretty tired and just want to be home with you and dogs. And I feel like Iím the only who cares about your health or you would make sure you ate.
Iím feeling hopeless and very alone. I know that visiting my mom is not the most exciting thing on the face of the earth to do, but itís important to me and itís important to her. I thought you would be there with me, not everyday but maybe once a week to show her and I both support and instead I get the sense the that you resent the time I spend with my mom. Sheís the only mom I have and I donít know how much longer I will have her. Her health is very fragile. "
First, I think it's great in general that you plan to tell him how you are feeling. Letting things stew will only make you build resentment. Let me preface by saying I have a hard time saying anything negative that I think will hurt someone's feelings, so I'll give you my opinion but hopefully someone that has a more direct personality (yes, those jeans make your butt look big!) will respond as well because I don't know that my opinion is necessarily a good one. I think if I were to receive this from my spouse, I would be feeling hurt and that ok, she pretty much doesn't like anything about me but if I do all of these things she's asking, she will love me and be happy. If it were me, I would focus on your feelings of being alone and unappreciated. The issues regarding your mom's health and not feeling supported and how his use of porn is making you feel and what he could do in that regard (going with you to visit, helping more at home, and a discussion about porn/sex and how it makes you feel and what would make you feel loved in that area) would probably be what I would talk to him about at this point. I think I would leave the other issues on the back-burner for the moment so he doesn't feel like he's being attacked, but JMHO.
Thanks for your thoughts swedish. And don't apologize for your feedback....I'm looking for all points of view. I feel like I've talked until I'm blue in the face about most of the things in the letter, but I'm awful at saying what I need to say....I guess I'm a lot like you in that when it comes to things coming out of my mouth, I never can get out things that might hurt someone else....so I guess I turn to my fingers. I do appreciate what you've said and I will think on it. I haven't given him the letter yet and I don't know when I plan/want to. I don't want it to cause more problems.
Who'd have thought this would be so hard (being married I mean)?
The letter is good but to me it is missing one major thing. This letter is telling him everything he has done wrong in your marriage. If your husband is watching porn all the time then what is he missing. If he is not helping around the house is it because he feels like anything he does will not be good enough? I have no idea the answers to these questions but what I am trying to get at is, you don't ask him what is wrong. You tell him what is wrong from your point of view. Were is the communiaction at in this letter. Were do you ask, what can we do as a couple to make this better? What do you feel your missing from me? How do you feel we got to this point? See what I'm saying? This letter is everything you see that he has done wrong. That will make his defenses go up if you do not ask how WE as a couple can change together to get that spark and drive back into our lifes.
I just had my thoughts all typed out and I hit the wrong button...and they are gone.
I do see what you are saying. The reason he looks at porn all the time is because he says I'm not in the mood enough, but it's hard to get in the mood when I know I have to pretend to be someone else to please him.
I guess I don't understand...I do say thank you for all the things he does - laundry, mowing the lawn, making the bed, doing the dishes, but I guess I wonder if I should have to recognize every little thing he does. We are in this life together and it takes certain things to make it livable. I give extra snuggles when he takes a shower.
I'm just tired. I feel like everything is on my shoulders. I take care of the cars, the bikes, the yard, the house, my mom's care and I need his help or I'm going to fail. I feel like a salmons swimming upstream and not getting anywhere. Maybe it's me that's all wrong...I don't know. He just went upstairs without saying a word to me. I don't know if he went to bed or what...I asked him where he was going and he didn't answer me. Is it so wrong for me to want to spend some time on my computer when it's not work related?
I know he loves and I love him...it's all this other stuff that seems to be weighing on us...on me I guess.