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#1 ·
Hi all!

I've been married to my husband for almost 8 years, and we have 2 girls 7 and 3. I'm 30.

He has a high pressure job, sometimes I work too, but right now i'm at home with the kids. We just moved for his work and I had to quit mine. We are out far away from any family help.

We have a different spin on a common problem. I am the high drive, and he's the low, been that way ever since just after we were married. It was like, honeymoon's over, poof, brace yourself for brief occasional sex. also by the way, no more oral for you honey, oral is gross. I would have sex every day, he only wants a quickie once every 3-5 weeks. So we've compromised with once every 3-5 weeks :| I used to ask once a week, but the systematic rejection is a bummer. Now i just masturbate.

There is very little I can do to fix our problem that isn't morally reprehensible, until the big man will acknowledge we actually have one.

So I figured I would hang around here and make some new friends that also don't have perfect marriages (or maybe some that do!)
 
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#2 ·
Hi... Welcome to TAM.


Sorry to hear about your problems. What you are going through is not as unusual as most people would think. Men are as likely to make a marriage sexless, or near sexless, as women are. Yep, that's right. It's not true that all men want sex all the time.

I think that you will find several other women here with the same issue you have. I had this issue too when I was married. I'm divorced how and yes, this is partly why.

You might want to repost your story in the General Relationship Discussion forum as that's the most active forum. My suggestion is that you just copy paste what you wrote here and open a new thread there.

Ele
 
#3 ·
Thanks Ele,

Thanks! I don't think i'll be re-posting. I didn't join to get a solution, I don't think there is one short of drugging him and dragging him to the doctor and/or counseling (no), cheating (no), leaving (not for now at least). We have little kids, and i feel like it's a poor reason to rip them out of their lives, in our case at least.

So far, i've not encountered anyone who wants to cop to it in real life, and very few on the internet. But sometimes it's good just to vent and be acknowledged :) Thanks for the support and the welcome.
 
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#4 ·
#5 ·
I am sorry you are having a problem. My wife and I had rock star sex for a long time into our marriage, then she got the idea that refusing sex was a good way to express her resentment about everyday marital issues. We finally settled that issue, but in the couple of years in between, she developed neuropathy, which reduced her ability to orgasm from 100% to 5-10%...At your age, it seems like sex can go on forever. You never know when unexpected health issues can take it away.....Discuss this with your husband. Make him understand that you need his attention, and that it is not something that can be put off forever....Either of you could be taken out of the game at any time.....I doubt he would consider an open marriage, so the only alternatives are his improving his game, or you leaving the marriage....
 
#6 ·
Man, that's so difficult Woodchuck. I'm sorry that happened to you guys. I have to admit that I am wildly curious about how you two deal with that obstacle, but I know that may be too personal of a question. So I won't ask directly ; )

I doubt he would consider an open marriage, so the only alternatives are his improving his game, or you leaving the marriage....
You doubt correctly my friend. So now it's a waiting game. Will he improve or will I leave. If he does eventually improve, will that be enough after all this time?

If I leave, there is no guarantee i'm going to find some good sex or a good relationship. There is the chance that i will have ripped us all apart only to end up alone. In the past, i have been unable to consider sex without love. I feel like, if I go down that road, i'd better be prepared for that as a possibility. My body is no longer perfect. I have two little kids that keep me busy. They love their dad, and he's really good to them. attentive and loving. Whatever is broken in our relationship where he feels it's fine to ignore me, the apathy doesn't extend to our kids. The custody battle would be wild, i shudder to even think about it. I just watched one of my brothers and his stbxw go through this, and it's terrible, even more so for my niece, and they have other reasons that legitimately warrant the split.

He's the only person I've ever slept with too, so that's helpful in that I've never had rock star sex. You can't miss what you've never had.

Is half a sex life better than no sex life at all? I'm no doctor(and he won't go), but I think his problem might be low T. If that's true, than unexpected health issues have already taken it away. I guess it all depends on how much one values partner sex, and the importance placed on the individual vs. the happiness of the family. I have come to the conclusion that there will never be an ideal solution that is also within the realm of probability. I have mostly D.I.Y. orgasms and my kids get to keep their dad in the same house. I guess i'm still on the fence.

But that's why i'm not necessarily looking for a solution. Just some commiseration I guess : ) nice to meet you : )
 
#9 ·
@Haiku
oh man. now i'm going to have to be the newbie with the questions. What/where is the social spot? I googled it, and found nothing that looks relevant.

and thanks! i thought it was appropriate, unfortunately for me ; )
 
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#12 ·
Good evening
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Its common and miserable. Some people just have very little interest / desire for sex and it seems that many will never change. I'm the HD in a HD/LD marriage (~30 years), and it just never gets better. My wife only occasionally wants sex, and when we do, she wants what she wants, and has no interest in doing things for me. Meanwhile I'm happy to do absolutely anything she wants.

HD/LD tends to rapidly also turn into selfishness in bed. The LD can have any sort of sex whenever they want. They can take the "never do anything you don't want in bed" and use it to mean that sex is just about what they want.

LD seems to be as unchangeable as sexual orientation.

In the end your choices are
leave
cheat
live like a nun / monk.

I've done the last for 30 years. I really can't say that I recommend it to anyone.
 
#13 ·
So the real question ... why 68 and not 69 >:)

Thanks for outing me as a male hetero who wants to be Jessica Rabbit :redcard::rules::redcard::woohoo:

Also, stop at 2 kids ... the 3rd one ... the 3rd one was and has been a major **** block lol.
 
#16 · (Edited)
my username? i felt like it was applicable.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Sixty+Eight

i have many I owe you one's.
he says it's "gross" which is funny, because it wasn't gross before we were married, and it's not gross when i blow him. He maintains now that he never said oral is gross, but further declines to do it for no reason. Or on the odd occasion (ie: when he is drunk, my birthday) that he will offer, he is bad at it (unintentionally? out of practice? on purpose?) It's a point of contention. Mr.68 frustrates me with his weird hang ups that he never displayed before marriage or kids. I'm trying not to be bitter about it. it just makes it worse. but calling B.J.s 68s make me feel ALOT better about it ; )

why 68 and not 69? from your mouth to God's ears my friend.

yeah, we're done with kids. i love the two we have, and i'm really afraid of upsetting the balance. We have 2 girls and they're 7 and 3 1/2. They used to always be so sweet to each other, and this year have started to bicker. when i picture them at 17 and 13 it gives me some real anxiety. Unfortunately for me, we didn't actually plan any of our kids. the first was conceived after a broken condom, and the second we were doing NFP and i came home after margarita night with the girls a little on the drunk side. Apparently when i mentioned that i was ovulating, it didn't sink it that he needed to put on a condom. whoops. He was excited about it, i cried for a few days. but i'm glad we have her, she's awesome. i'm just not a lady who enjoys pregnancy. or breastfeeding. or really infants. but now that they're older we have a lot of fun and it's not such a struggle all the time. So the plan is to not have anymore, and i have an IUD, but we've had 2 birth control fails and we have 2 kids.

heh, heh, awkward. hopefully you can take a joke, person i don't know.
if it helps, i'm right there with you. i'd also like to be jessica rabbit. everyone has a dream : )
 
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