I've been on here for a bit over 7 years. I have never posted but I do enjoy reading the various threads. I'm a guy in my early 40's. 7 years ago I was concerned about my marriage and so I joined up.
My marriage was actually a pretty happy one. My wife told me she loved me every day except the last day we were together. We rarely argued at all and had sex regularly. She always told me she was happy and satisfied. She initiated sex with me on the last night before she kicked me out and said she would miss it. A few months prior to the split she was telling people at a party that we were really happy together and had never been happier.
My wife and I got introduced to World of Warcraft (WoW). Where as I only played it every now and then (due to work, study, child commitments, family life etc.) my wife became obsessed and stopped working, showering, getting out of her pyjamas, cleaning, cooking meals, shopping or even attempting to keep the same hours as me and our child who had just started school at the time.
She met a bunch of "nice guys" on WoW who were sending her items for her to craft and send back. They were in other countries and were encouraging her to go on Skype, MySpace and FaceBook. Many of her messages to/from them were kind of flirty. I reminded her she needed to set boundaries but empathised with her desire to talk to people and be part of a peer group.
I asked her to find a part-time job and try to moderate playing the game. When she didn't do that I asked her to quit which kind of brought things to an ultimatum situation because she quit, acted totally miserable and seemed dangerously depressed. I became worried for her mental state, so I said "well if you're going to be that miserable play again but in moderation".
I remember catching the bus home after work (I had sold my car for money), buying and carrying/walking our shopping home to cook dinner for us and looking over her shoulder and she was messaging some guy (in her pyjamas) that she was going to "kick him (me) out in two weeks". I was shocked, very curious and devastated about it and asked her if she meant what she wrote. She kept saying she didn't write that and that I was mistaken but I know what she wrote because I stared at those words stunned for a moment which seemed to linger forever.
I then joined up on the TAM forums and read about online EAs. I'd already encountered people who'd experienced it. I wanted to find a strategy to win her back initially or at least read about anyone else's experience which was like mine and there was a lot of material including possible strategies such as the 180 etc and I remember being completely blown away. I felt like I'd never compete with her romantic fantasy because she was treating me like the boring husband/provider, or even as the parent and she was the teenager.
Then two weeks later she kicked me out. I remember begging her to rethink and she was literally turning her back to me. I logged onto her email and WoW and intercepted message exchanges between her and a gentleman who later moved country to be her new husband. They now have a couple of little kids of their own. Apparently she no longer plays the game as she doesn't have the time anymore, but he does.
None of her family or even our friends believed me when I told them all about what she was doing (many by texts I would rather forget ). I actually don't speak to hardly any of our mutual friends anymore because of all the general negativity sent around about me as a cover story for her activities.
Now when I pick up my own kid it's pretty chaotic over at her house. Our kid looks after his siblings. She gives him guilt trips about wanting to spend more time with me even if it's to do school work. I ended up buying my own house nearby where as they apparently have money problems, which means they block my attempts to have my kid more because they need the baby-sitting money. It's a shame because he's about to start high-school and I'm the only parent who finished high-school (and went onto tertiary level with a post-graduate degree now).
She often uses her partner for pickups/drop offs. It kind of bugs me sometimes as I'm trying to have a business-like relationship with her, not her partner.
Now I'm thinking I'd like to move on and remarry. I've had two relationships in the last 7 years. I've tried online dating but never even kissed a girl/lady from it. Women might find me too conciliatory, for me it can feel kind of contrived and a bit nerve wracking. I probably need to be more flirty, impulsive, making moves or something or maybe there's just a lot of flaky people on the internet and I'm as bad as they are.
Recently however, I was offered by a lady I emotionally like a lot and am attracted to, if I'd consider trying to move in with her and her kids (be a step-dad). Part of me would like to be part of a family again. I get sick of being alone in my own house all the time, but then part of me feels like I'm kind of losing all my stuff, my independence and identity to be part of something.
The kids come first and I've got one too. Her kids are loud and have a lot of drama though, mine's quiet and considerate (easy parenting). I do care about her a lot though, we've been on and off for years now. After reading forums on here I wondered how I might cope and generally about moving on from being on my own. If you've got any advice let me know.
My marriage was actually a pretty happy one. My wife told me she loved me every day except the last day we were together. We rarely argued at all and had sex regularly. She always told me she was happy and satisfied. She initiated sex with me on the last night before she kicked me out and said she would miss it. A few months prior to the split she was telling people at a party that we were really happy together and had never been happier.
My wife and I got introduced to World of Warcraft (WoW). Where as I only played it every now and then (due to work, study, child commitments, family life etc.) my wife became obsessed and stopped working, showering, getting out of her pyjamas, cleaning, cooking meals, shopping or even attempting to keep the same hours as me and our child who had just started school at the time.
She met a bunch of "nice guys" on WoW who were sending her items for her to craft and send back. They were in other countries and were encouraging her to go on Skype, MySpace and FaceBook. Many of her messages to/from them were kind of flirty. I reminded her she needed to set boundaries but empathised with her desire to talk to people and be part of a peer group.
I asked her to find a part-time job and try to moderate playing the game. When she didn't do that I asked her to quit which kind of brought things to an ultimatum situation because she quit, acted totally miserable and seemed dangerously depressed. I became worried for her mental state, so I said "well if you're going to be that miserable play again but in moderation".
I remember catching the bus home after work (I had sold my car for money), buying and carrying/walking our shopping home to cook dinner for us and looking over her shoulder and she was messaging some guy (in her pyjamas) that she was going to "kick him (me) out in two weeks". I was shocked, very curious and devastated about it and asked her if she meant what she wrote. She kept saying she didn't write that and that I was mistaken but I know what she wrote because I stared at those words stunned for a moment which seemed to linger forever.
I then joined up on the TAM forums and read about online EAs. I'd already encountered people who'd experienced it. I wanted to find a strategy to win her back initially or at least read about anyone else's experience which was like mine and there was a lot of material including possible strategies such as the 180 etc and I remember being completely blown away. I felt like I'd never compete with her romantic fantasy because she was treating me like the boring husband/provider, or even as the parent and she was the teenager.
Then two weeks later she kicked me out. I remember begging her to rethink and she was literally turning her back to me. I logged onto her email and WoW and intercepted message exchanges between her and a gentleman who later moved country to be her new husband. They now have a couple of little kids of their own. Apparently she no longer plays the game as she doesn't have the time anymore, but he does.
None of her family or even our friends believed me when I told them all about what she was doing (many by texts I would rather forget ). I actually don't speak to hardly any of our mutual friends anymore because of all the general negativity sent around about me as a cover story for her activities.
Now when I pick up my own kid it's pretty chaotic over at her house. Our kid looks after his siblings. She gives him guilt trips about wanting to spend more time with me even if it's to do school work. I ended up buying my own house nearby where as they apparently have money problems, which means they block my attempts to have my kid more because they need the baby-sitting money. It's a shame because he's about to start high-school and I'm the only parent who finished high-school (and went onto tertiary level with a post-graduate degree now).
She often uses her partner for pickups/drop offs. It kind of bugs me sometimes as I'm trying to have a business-like relationship with her, not her partner.
Now I'm thinking I'd like to move on and remarry. I've had two relationships in the last 7 years. I've tried online dating but never even kissed a girl/lady from it. Women might find me too conciliatory, for me it can feel kind of contrived and a bit nerve wracking. I probably need to be more flirty, impulsive, making moves or something or maybe there's just a lot of flaky people on the internet and I'm as bad as they are.
Recently however, I was offered by a lady I emotionally like a lot and am attracted to, if I'd consider trying to move in with her and her kids (be a step-dad). Part of me would like to be part of a family again. I get sick of being alone in my own house all the time, but then part of me feels like I'm kind of losing all my stuff, my independence and identity to be part of something.
The kids come first and I've got one too. Her kids are loud and have a lot of drama though, mine's quiet and considerate (easy parenting). I do care about her a lot though, we've been on and off for years now. After reading forums on here I wondered how I might cope and generally about moving on from being on my own. If you've got any advice let me know.