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post #16 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 01:42 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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However, we must be doing something right because in June we celebrate our 41st anniversary.

The thing is communication. Talk about your likes and dislikes, issues, etc.
Coming up on #41 myself, and I agree, good communication is the key. Make sure it improves over the years instead of going the other way.

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post #17 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 01:56 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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I like all of this advice, but the passwords. Not that either of us have anything to hide, but I wonder if I were to bring this up, if he would think I didn't trust him.
We share all passwords, but it's more about convenience than transparency or trust.

That said, I never log onto any of my wife's devices without asking first (usually only for maintenance), and she never logs on to mine at all, that I know of. We have always respected each other's privacy.

My wife leaves her purse laying around, but I won't go into it for any reason without asking first. I wish she felt the same about my wallet, which she seems to view as her own personal ATM.
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post #18 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 02:59 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

Welcome to TAM Deidre. The password sharing theme always seems to come up on here,especially in forums like CWI and Reconciliation. Just out of curiosity what constitutes privacy to you that you feel no need to share passwords with your future husband and vice versa? I fully understand that there is a need for a person's own space and identity,as that was true in my time and way before the technology available today. In real life we can take our cues and make sense/or not of things because we are observers and present in it. Today though,how much time do we spend distracted from real life because of the widespread use of electronics and social media and how much influence does it have on us or the ones we care about? Should it matter?

Again,welcome.

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #19 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 04:40 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

I think one of the favorite things I have learned in my marriage is to look for his style of loving and resist stuffing it into the box of preconceived expectations. Your ideas of how he is going to love is limited. When you open your mind to his creativity, you will discover nuances unique to him.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
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post #20 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 06:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Welcome to TAM Deidre. The password sharing theme always seems to come up on here,especially in forums like CWI and Reconciliation. Just out of curiosity what constitutes privacy to you that you feel no need to share passwords with your future husband and vice versa? I fully understand that there is a need for a person's own space and identity,as that was true in my time and way before the technology available today. In real life we can take our cues and make sense/or not of things because we are observers and present in it. Today though,how much time do we spend distracted from real life because of the widespread use of electronics and social media and how much influence does it have on us or the ones we care about? Should it matter?

Again,welcome.
Thank you for the welcome!

I think what bothers me about asking for his passwords and sharing mine, is that it makes me feel like we are parenting one another...and that we feel a sense of ownership over one another. That's just not me. Even if he cheated, I wouldn't want him anymore. I'm not competing with other women for my future husband's attention, if he someday ends up cheating, we are done. And cheating is a deal breaker for him, too. I just can't imagine snooping on his phone and social media accounts looking to see if he is carrying on with other women. I don't want to be in a relationship that lacks trust like that.

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I think one of the favorite things I have learned in my marriage is to look for his style of loving and resist stuffing it into the box of preconceived expectations. Your ideas of how he is going to love is limited. When you open your mind to his creativity, you will discover nuances unique to him.
This is true, and thank you.

I appreciate everyone's welcome here!
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post #21 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 09:57 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Thank you for the welcome!

I think what bothers me about asking for his passwords and sharing mine, is that it makes me feel like we are parenting one another...and that we feel a sense of ownership over one another. That's just not me. Even if he cheated, I wouldn't want him anymore. I'm not competing with other women for my future husband's attention, if he someday ends up cheating, we are done. And cheating is a deal breaker for him, too. I just can't imagine snooping on his phone and social media accounts looking to see if he is carrying on with other women. I don't want to be in a relationship that lacks trust like that.



This is true, and thank you.

I appreciate everyone's welcome here!
Yea, my wife and I do not seek out passwords and we do not feel the need to dig around each other's cell phones. We look more at long term effects than what we'd get seeking instant gratification. We just simply refuse to "babysit" one another.

Feeling that you need to "parent" your spouse "just in case" has just got to be an absolute terrible way to live in marriage.

Marriage is about companionship, not ownership.








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post #22 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 03:46 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I like all of this advice, but the passwords. Not that either of us have anything to hide, but I wonder if I were to bring this up, if he would think I didn't trust him. I don't want to give that impression, because that's so not me. Understand the reasoning, but that would be my concern.

Do you do this in your own relationship? haha I should ask my friends to see if they do this, too.
Give him your passwords if you want with out asking for his. When he asks about it just tell him you have nothing to hide, ect and go from there. He will offer his if he has nothing to hide.
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post #23 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 03:47 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

Sorry, but check out Hurt dudes post. Some problems start before the marriage.
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post #24 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 03:53 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

I don't think anyone started out looking into their SO's things. It starts when they see a change in the SO and when you try and see if you can help, SO is like its nothing don't worry about it. That's when the looking into things start.
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post #25 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 03:59 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

And yes, marriages can work with out a hitch. I hope you have a wonderful marriage with the one you love. Never stop working at it. Its not always a cheating spouse that kills a marriage. Never take one another for granted, the one that does will regret it.

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post #26 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 10:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Give him your passwords if you want with out asking for his. When he asks about it just tell him you have nothing to hide, ect and go from there. He will offer his if he has nothing to hide.
I don’t want his passwords. Lol My mind just doesn’t go there. If you need to ‘check up on’ your SO and don’t trust him/her at their word…your relationship is unhealthy. Healthy relationships have trust. Natural trust. I want my fiancé to do the right things, out of love and respect for me. Not because he knows that at any moment, I could check up on him. Frankly, if anyone here thinks that knowing people’s passwords and looking at their phones is a key to a faithful relationship…it’s not. If anything, a true cheater will find a way to do it, without you knowing about it. If you guys want to do that in your relationships, that’s your choice…it’s just not me.
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post #27 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 01:22 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

@*Deidre*, how would you define "natural trust"?

Would you say that it's nothing more than a lack of distrust?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #28 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 01:57 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I don’t want his passwords. Lol My mind just doesn’t go there. If you need to ‘check up on’ your SO and don’t trust him/her at their word…your relationship is unhealthy. Healthy relationships have trust. Natural trust. I want my fiancé to do the right things, out of love and respect for me. Not because he knows that at any moment, I could check up on him. Frankly, if anyone here thinks that knowing people’s passwords and looking at their phones is a key to a faithful relationship…it’s not. If anything, a true cheater will find a way to do it, without you knowing about it. If you guys want to do that in your relationships, that’s your choice…it’s just not me.
I am divorced, and found out a few days after I got the ILYBINILWY speech, through online phone records, that my ex had talked to another guy for an hour on the phone the day before our last marriage counseling session. Totally blindsided. She did not have an affair though after I started dating, she did go out on a date with the guy so it was definitely out of line for a married woman.

Having said that, I do not know if I could ever ask for a partner's passwords, or if I would ever feel comfortable looking on her phone/emails etc. I feel like when I did it I was not even in my right mind. Even when I did do it, and I was right, it felt strange.
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post #29 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 02:04 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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I wonder if I were to bring this up, if he would think I didn't trust him. I don't want to give that impression, because that's so not me.
Whether you two share passwords or not, I recommend that you and him become comfortable to bring up absolutely anything about any topic.
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post #30 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 02:17 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

You should be able to talk about any and everything. And be comfortable asking for things. Because what if you need to access his email or phone.

Everyone in our family have access to every password and everyone's account. It's the way we are, so it was not a problem for our kids to follow the same pattern.

Last I went on my H's phone to look at an email. I asked him if I could forward it to my email, he said why are you asking. You are my wife you can do what you want. I thought I was showing courtesy. But that's our mindset. We respect each other's privacy but have access.

Like someone on TAM said, in marriage there are no privacy. Expect when using the bathroom.

Might be something for you guys to talk about now @deidre.
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