I am divorced, and found out a few days after I got the ILYBINILWY speech, through online phone records, that my ex had talked to another guy for an hour on the phone the day before our last marriage counseling session. Totally blindsided. She did not have an affair though after I started dating, she did go out on a date with the guy so it was definitely out of line for a married woman.
I'm sorry to read this.
But the good news is, you found out and left the relationship. Online phone records are different, those are accessible, and not like rifling through someone's phone looking for info. This is my thing. IF IT GETS TO A POINT IN ONE'S RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SNOOP THROUGH SOMEONE'S PHONE, BECAUSE YOU SUSPECT THEM OF CHEATING...your relationship is already to an unhealthy point. Even if you find NOTHING incriminating at all...the fact that one might feel the need to do something like that suggests a) the person is insecure b) the marriage isn't healthy, and the person is searching for answers as to why. Sometimes, the answers lie within us, and we need to look in the mirror as to why our relationships are 'failing.'
Having said that, I do not know if I could ever ask for a partner's passwords, or if I would ever feel comfortable looking on her phone/emails etc. I feel like when I did it I was not even in my right mind. Even when I did do it, and I was right, it felt strange.
Exactly...because you feel like at that point, you are in something bad. If I need to turn into a private investigator lol I'm done with the guy, then. I'm not one of those women who hold onto a man's ankles who is effing other women. If my fiance wants to do this, those women are welcome to him. Call it pride...call it whatever, but no man is worth me sacrificing my dignity. And you should tell yourself the same, when it comes to women...no woman should ever cause you to compromise your self worth or values in order to hang onto her.
Whether you two share passwords or not, I recommend that you and him become comfortable to bring up absolutely anything about any topic.
We do. We are open books, but we also don't believe in smothering one another. The sign of a healthy relationship to me, is when two people do the rights things for one another, without it being expected. If a person finds themselves in less than that type of a relationship, it's not time to snoop on phones and call a PI to follow them...it's rather time to end it. I don't want to change a man into something he isn't already. If a guy is a colossal jerk, and I discover that he is...I'm done with him. I'm not interested in sitting in a counseling session hoping and praying he becomes something other than the jerk he has shown himself to be. I've been reading some threads on here where spouses are groveling at the feet of their cheating spouses...hoping and praying that they give up effing the mailman/mailwoman...and choose them again. The problem I see with this thinking, is that people need more self respect. No one will respect you, if you don't respect yourself, first. I've learned that the hard way.
You should be able to talk about any and everything. And be comfortable asking for things. Because what if you need to access his email or phone.
Everyone in our family have access to every password and everyone's account. It's the way we are, so it was not a problem for our kids to follow the same pattern.
Last I went on my H's phone to look at an email. I asked him if I could forward it to my email, he said why are you asking. You are my wife you can do what you want. I thought I was showing courtesy. But that's our mindset. We respect each other's privacy but have access.
Like someone on TAM said, in marriage there are no privacy. Expect when using the bathroom.
Might be something for you guys to talk about now @deidre
I think that is great if this dynamic works in your relationship and home. But it seems like babysitting my fiance or something. I can't seem to see it any other way, honestly. lol
I disagree about the privacy comment, too. Marriage shouldn't cause two people to think they own one another. I can't help but think this will smother a relationship.
Deidre-- I am curious about why you are getting married. I think, some questions I probably did not ask myself before I got married ( and I am guessing some of your friends and/or family didnt either). For instance, I dated her for two years, and it just seemed like time to get married type of thing. I did not consider some important stuff-- which you appear to be.
-Why are you marrying this person?
We love one another, and trust one another. I don't trust men too often, so to trust a man the way I do him, I feel that when he asked me to marry him, it made sense on a number of levels, but trust being a big one.
-Do you ever think you would be happier without this person?
I don't really look for a man to make me happy, honestly. I used to think this way when I was an atheist, but I've returned to faith, and while I want to share my life with my fiance, he doesn't control my happiness. That said, a person can find themselves in a toxic relationship, and be very unhappy...but again, only if you let someone control your happiness.
-If you didnt marry this person, and he married someone else (at a later time, after your break up), would you be heart broken or would you be ok/happy for them?
If we didn't work out, and down the road he married someone else...hmmm...I'd be happy for him, because that is true love. I would be sad if we ended now, because it would be surprising as I think we have an amazing thing going.
-What sort of issues can you realistically see coming up in the marriage? (in laws, world view, beliefs, religion, or something more ominous-- a certain friend)
My avoidance of conflict. I have a hard time expressing when I'm upset, with anyone...not just with him...and tend to cut and run, as it's easier than confronting conflict. I'm getting better. As it relates to him...how we might raise kids together. He has very different ideas than I do about all that, and he is very traditional alpha...and I'm very much attracted to him for this reason, but at times...it can be...off putting. He is working on it. ^_^
-What kind of person was this person before you met?
Extraordinarily independent. We both are, but we love being together, it feels effortless when we are together.
Did he improve himself to keep you? (Looking back, I can see my wife did this, now that we are divorced I can see how she was before we were married and if I had known how she really is I would not have been attracted)
To keep me? Can you clarify?
Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
You might want to add Love Busters by Dr. Willard Harley to your and your husband's reading list. My husband commented that had we read that book at the beginning of our marriage, we could have avoided some hurtful situations. "Independent actions," or doing thing that affect the other spouse and the marriage cause a lot of hurt in marriages, in a lot of different areas of the marriage.
Our pre-marital counseling did not help us at all because it was too generalized. We we were so caught up in being in love that we thought we were perfect for each other. All the books recommended on your thread would have helped us much more had then existed 25 years ago.
I wish you the best in your marriage and in your life!
Thank you so much for this, and we are open to suggestions. ''Independent actions''...can you elaborate as to what you mean? Did that occur in your marriage?
We don't expect to never hurt one another, we are human. But, we have laid out our deal breakers, as we both feel that if our quality of life erodes because of the marriage, then that means we need to really assess why we are staying married. We want a healthy marriage, not just to be married.