A lot about transparency spoken in this thread...
I've been with my H for 34 yrs ...been together since our teens.. I can honestly say I've never felt the need to check up on him, like I was worried he was up to no good (flirting etc)... though I have found playboy bunny downloads on his computer (this didn't surprise me none)....
He's never felt the need to check up on me either.. I did a thread on Transparency
.. it is near to my
... almost like a foundational part of our union..... but I describe it in a different way than often presented on this forum...I like to call it a "willing - giving" transparency
... it's not something pressured, or forced in any way.
You said you & he are very OPEN.. we are like this also... we've always enjoyed the sharing of our days.. the funny
, the JUICY... the good, bad & ugly.. it makes for much entertainment even..bouncing things off of each other....
We willingly share our passwords..he finds mine pretty amusing -related to him .... he wouldn't be a bit surprised by anything I said in a personal message to anyone... cause he knows ME like the back of his hand.. and I feel the same..
There was a thread yesterday asking the foundation for a marriage.. some good answers here.. What is the Foundation of Marriage?
I would also say to avoid all of these.. what Marriage researcher John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling....
- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please! * Contempt
... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling.
The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt * Defensiveness
- conveys the message, “The problem is not me. It’s you.
” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior. Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships * Stonewalling
also known as "the Silent treatment". .. stonewalling is the absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.This is the passive-aggressive stance many people take during a fight. It's the "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine!" said even when there is clearly something wrong.
Other common songs of the stonewaller are:“Just leave me alone…”...“Do whatever you want"....“End of conversation"..."that's enough".... Stonewalling: How to recognize and fix ......... How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship - Stonewall
And how a couple handles conflict can also be very telling... The CONFLICT thread...4 types...the 5 to 1 ratio in Marriage Conflicts...
Truly... a wealth of information & marital learning of what to avoid.. and what can bring more intimacy in the stories shared here ...welcome to TAM !