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post #46 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-11-2016, 07:08 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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You'll see.

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post #47 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-11-2016, 08:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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You'll see.
Please don't post in this thread if you have nothing positive to say. Thank you.
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post #48 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 04:28 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

A lot about transparency spoken in this thread...

I've been with my H for 34 yrs ...been together since our teens.. I can honestly say I've never felt the need to check up on him, like I was worried he was up to no good (flirting etc)... though I have found playboy bunny downloads on his computer (this didn't surprise me none)....

He's never felt the need to check up on me either.. I did a thread on Transparency .. it is near to my ... almost like a foundational part of our union..... but I describe it in a different way than often presented on this forum...I like to call it a "willing - giving" transparency ... it's not something pressured, or forced in any way.

You said you & he are very OPEN.. we are like this also... we've always enjoyed the sharing of our days.. the funny , the JUICY... the good, bad & ugly.. it makes for much entertainment even..bouncing things off of each other....

We willingly share our passwords..he finds mine pretty amusing -related to him .... he wouldn't be a bit surprised by anything I said in a personal message to anyone... cause he knows ME like the back of his hand.. and I feel the same..

There was a thread yesterday asking the foundation for a marriage.. some good answers here.. What is the Foundation of Marriage?

I would also say to avoid all of these.. what Marriage researcher John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling....

Quote:
* Criticism- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please!

* Contempt... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt

* Defensiveness- conveys the message, “The problem is not me. It’s you.” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior.

Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships

* Stonewalling - also known as "the Silent treatment". .. stonewalling is the absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.This is the passive-aggressive stance many people take during a fight. It's the "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine!" said even when there is clearly something wrong.

Other common songs of the stonewaller are:“Just leave me alone…”...“Do whatever you want"....“End of conversation"..."that's enough"....

Stonewalling: How to recognize and fix ......... How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship - Stonewall
And how a couple handles conflict can also be very telling...

The CONFLICT thread...4 types...the 5 to 1 ratio in Marriage Conflicts...



Truly... a wealth of information & marital learning of what to avoid.. and what can bring more intimacy in the stories shared here ...welcome to TAM !
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post #49 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-16-2016, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

Thank you so much for all of that @SimplyAmorous -- wow!! Such helpful advice!! Going to check out what you suggest.
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post #50 of 53 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 05:53 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I like all of this advice, but the passwords. Not that either of us have anything to hide, but I wonder if I were to bring this up, if he would think I didn't trust him. I don't want to give that impression, because that's so not me. Understand the reasoning, but that would be my concern.

Do you do this in your own relationship? haha I should ask my friends to see if they do this, too.
I don't think you need to decide everything such as passwords in advance. You figure out what works
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post #51 of 53 (permalink) Old 03-06-2016, 05:59 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

I am with Deidre on this one.
My wife and I both have accounts and different passwords. She leaves her email and FB open and I can look through if I wanted to. I am more closed mainly because I don't want someone to read and begin to ask me why I said this or that. I correspond a lot and don't want my wife playing "big brother" and try to control me. So it's better off that she does not see.

I agree with Deidre that exchanging passwords actually is a sign of mistrust. When you get married, you have to take a leap of faith. Yes, you might get hurt, but it is worth taking the chance. If you jump in with all safeguards and body armor, you will never enjoy marriage. You enjoy a relationship when you are vulnerable to that person. When you are metaphorically naked to that person.
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post #52 of 53 (permalink) Old 03-07-2016, 05:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Originally Posted by nirvana View Post
I am with Deidre on this one.
My wife and I both have accounts and different passwords. She leaves her email and FB open and I can look through if I wanted to. I am more closed mainly because I don't want someone to read and begin to ask me why I said this or that. I correspond a lot and don't want my wife playing "big brother" and try to control me. So it's better off that she does not see.

I agree with Deidre that exchanging passwords actually is a sign of mistrust. When you get married, you have to take a leap of faith. Yes, you might get hurt, but it is worth taking the chance. If you jump in with all safeguards and body armor, you will never enjoy marriage. You enjoy a relationship when you are vulnerable to that person. When you are metaphorically naked to that person.
I agree. Marriage isn't about knowing every thought, online post, text, conversation, etc that one's spouse has. You still should be able to be individuals, and not feel like every move you're making is going to be scrutinized by your spouse. Marriage isn't a prison.

Frankly, if it were to get to a point where my fiance violates trust, I know myself...I will not remain in a relationship and spend my days logging into all of his accounts to prove to myself that he's not cheating. No way to live. Plus, if someone wants to cheat...do we really think they will be like 'oh darn...my wife/husband has my password...guess that means I won't be cheating.' lol Cheaters will find a way, and I'm not interested in babysitting a grown man.
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post #53 of 53 (permalink) Old 09-28-2016, 01:59 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

Welcome, I am new here as well !! Been married almost 30 years and very happy ..
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