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post #1 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 11:57 PM Thread Starter
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Hello, I'm new

Just joined this site, and glad I found it. I'm recently engaged, and getting married in October of this year. I've received some good advice from friends and my family, but many of my friends are unhappy in their marriages (they have only been married a few years, most of them) or they are separated/getting a divorce. My friends' ages range from late 20's to early 30's. I don't judge why they are divorcing or unhappy, but it scares me a bit because I don't want my marriage to end up as another divorce stat. I'm pretty easy going, and so is my fiance. If you have any advice, I'd appreciate hearing it.

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post #2 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 12:13 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

Get two copies of His Needs, Her Needs and read it together. Best out there on marriage.

I'd also pick up a copy of Not Just Friends.

A good marriage takes work they just don't happen. And it takes TWO!!!!!

Best wishes
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post #3 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 12:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Get two copies of His Needs, Her Needs and read it together. Best out there on marriage.

I'd also pick up a copy of Not Just Friends.

A good marriage takes work they just don't happen. And it takes TWO!!!!!

Best wishes
Thank you so much, I will look for these titles!! It does take two, I know...my parents keep telling me this. I hope I make a good wife!
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post #4 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 12:46 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

Both of you should sit down and discuss boundaries and transparency as well.

In my home all passwords are know to both for all phones, email, social media, etc.

Neither of us have close personal friends of the opposite sex that we have outings with alone.

Once you've read enough you'll discover 80% of affairs start with a friendship.

Hence, something may not happen in these instances but if you don't go there they can't happen.

Beware of online media. To put it bluntly Facebook is called Fvckbook for a reason.

If you want a good marriage that lasts start off with a good sound foundation.

Ignore the basics and you'll be posting in the infidelity/divorce forums trying to fix your issues.
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post #5 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 12:53 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Thank you so much, I will look for these titles!! It does take two, I know...my parents keep telling me this. I hope I make a good wife!
I'm sure you will. Always make some time to be together. Establish date nights and always keep them. Doesn't have to be much. Dinner and a movie, lunch, etc.

Don't ignore time for just the two of you. It bonds and keeps you together so you'll never drift apart. It's a busy world but there is always time if you make it part of your ritual.
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post #6 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 01:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Both of you should sit down and discuss boundaries and transparency as well.

In my home all passwords are know to both for all phones, email, social media, etc.

Neither of us have close personal friends of the opposite sex that we have outings with alone.

Once you've read enough you'll discover 80% of affairs start with a friendship.

Hence, something may not happen in these instances but if you don't go there they can't happen.

Beware of online media. To put it bluntly Facebook is called Fvckbook for a reason.

If you want a good marriage that lasts start off with a good sound foundation.

Ignore the basics and you'll be posting in the infidelity/divorce forums trying to fix your issues.
I like all of this advice, but the passwords. Not that either of us have anything to hide, but I wonder if I were to bring this up, if he would think I didn't trust him. I don't want to give that impression, because that's so not me. Understand the reasoning, but that would be my concern.

Do you do this in your own relationship? haha I should ask my friends to see if they do this, too.
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post #7 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 01:53 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I like all of this advice, but the passwords. Not that either of us have anything to hide, but I wonder if I were to bring this up, if he would think I didn't trust him. I don't want to give that impression, because that's so not me. Understand the reasoning, but that would be my concern.

Do you do this in your own relationship? haha I should ask my friends to see if they do this, too.
Yes. We have nothing to hide. The biggest thing in marriage besides love is trust. I use her cell and she uses mine whenever. Passwords are in a notebook except for work related pc's but if she wanted to see that too, no problem.
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post #8 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 01:55 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I like all of this advice, but the passwords. Not that either of us have anything to hide, but I wonder if I were to bring this up, if he would think I didn't trust him. I don't want to give that impression, because that's so not me. Understand the reasoning, but that would be my concern.

Do you do this in your own relationship? haha I should ask my friends to see if they do this, too.
Simple you give him yours he gives you his. It's a trade
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post #9 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 02:12 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

Your marriage will be what you both want it to be.

Is there a fits all? No.

Everyone's different. We married very young. We've been thru a huge amount of time, issues, etc.

Our ways were developed over time by trial and error.

It took me awhile to learn how to treat a woman. I'm very alpha and had to learn a huge amount to become a good husband. For women this comes somewhat natural on how to treat a husband I think.

As you will find men in general are kinda dumb on the special little everyday things that mean a lot to women.

However, we must be doing something right because in June we celebrate our 41st anniversary.

The thing is communication. Talk about your likes and dislikes, issues, etc.

Men are pretty much horrible at this but I learned. Women for the most part know this instinctively. You need to understand this.

Sometimes the best way to get his attention will be a 2x4 across the forehead. .

Good luck
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post #10 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 02:46 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

I went though a pre-caan program though my church. It was excellent but should have been much longer in duration. Funny thing if they discussed theology for no more then a tiny bit. It was all about real problems and real solutions, discovering pitfalls, avoiding them and hidden assumptions.

Bottomline get marriage counseling now, in a big way. Learn now about the harm each of you can do without realizing it. Understand what adultery can do to each other. It might stop you from making the biggest mistake of your lives. What's the WORST thing about infidelity?

Finally you need to learn to swing a 2x4, bluntness in everyday life is a must for a woman when dealing with a husband. Clear boundaries are a must. Remember healthy boundaries are those actions we take to protect and nourish that we hold dear. So no blows to the head, no blows to the groin, just body blows.


Last edited by JohnA; 02-07-2016 at 02:50 AM.
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post #11 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 02:58 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

Oh bye the way I still agree with a co-worker of my brothers who when asked why in the world he would get married for the fourth time replied: marriage is the greatest institution invented by man, and he was not going to stop trying till he got it right.

Also add 5 Love Languages to your list. Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.
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post #12 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Your marriage will be what you both want it to be.

Is there a fits all? No.

Everyone's different. We married very young. We've been thru a huge amount of time, issues, etc.

Our ways were developed over time by trial and error.

It took me awhile to learn how to treat a woman. I'm very alpha and had to learn a huge amount to become a good husband. For women this comes somewhat natural on how to treat a husband I think.

As you will find men in general are kinda dumb on the special little everyday things that mean a lot to women.

However, we must be doing something right because in June we celebrate our 41st anniversary.

The thing is communication. Talk about your likes and dislikes, issues, etc.

Men are pretty much horrible at this but I learned. Women for the most part know this instinctively. You need to understand this.

Sometimes the best way to get his attention will be a 2x4 across the forehead. .

Good luck
haha Appreciate your advice!!

I can't see the password thing, honestly. In my eyes, and his ...we are both very much our own people, and respect one another's space. I think if you have to obtain passwords, it sends a message of distrust. If I can't trust my fiance to do the right thing, because he wants to, not because he is obligated to or is worried I might 'find out,' then the relationship is already over. This is just my personal view, everyone is different.

We don't want to be one another's parent, or create an environment that breeds insecurity. If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way, and if either of us does, we already have said...it's a deal breaker for us both.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
I went though a pre-caan program though my church. It was excellent but should have been much longer in duration. Funny thing if they discussed theology for no more then a tiny bit. It was all about real problems and real solutions, discovering pitfalls, avoiding them and hidden assumptions.

Bottomline get marriage counseling now, in a big way. Learn now about the harm each of you can do without realizing it. Understand what adultery can do to each other. It might stop you from making the biggest mistake of your lives. What's the WORST thing about infidelity?

Finally you need to learn to swing a 2x4, bluntness in everyday life is a must for a woman when dealing with a husband. Clear boundaries are a must. Remember healthy boundaries are those actions we take to protect and nourish that we hold dear. So no blows to the head, no blows to the groin, just body blows.
Yes, we are thinking of attending a (pre)marriage workshop for new couples at a local church. I left the faith for a while, and was an atheist, and recently came back to Christianity, and think it would be a great thing for us to attend.

Thank you for your thoughts here today!
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post #13 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 12:19 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

Welcome. Read around. There are numerous threads on pretty much every topic. Try not to become paranoid but remember to never take your partner for granted and putting work into your marriage can eliminate almost every threat.
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post #14 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 01:12 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

The thing about some church programs is they can be somewhat like saying drink clean water without ever telling you why or how. For example it is fine to say God commands us to love each other, Jesus died for our sins so don't lie, don't commit adultery, etc and never getting around to the why or how. Good theology lives and breaths in the gutter on mainstreet and main. The further it moves away from there the less value it holds.

I provide a link on what adultery does to a person. That is why adultery is a mortal sin in God's eyes. Not because on a whim some remote, unknowable, inhuman being says so. Atheist or not the bible is one of the oldest historic in depth profile of human experience and it's attempt to create a better reality it was born into. Before attending a faith base program understand it's thrust and viewpoint. Also do not assume those who teach from a faith base perspective actually teaching what there faith holds to be true.

For example the catholic church issued a document in the early sixties that stated:

- A marriage is a partnership between absolute equals.

- It is up to each couple to define the roles played in the marriage. There are no gender roles in marriage except for basic reproductive roles.

- the marriage must be allowed to evolve and both partners must be committed to mutual self growth.

- a parents responsibility to a child is absolute.
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post #15 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 01:16 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

By the way while those four points are not well known the final one is, a marriage must be open to the creation of life and as such abortion is rejected as a sin. I get why a lot of people don't agree with this point, especially in light of point number four. But don't throw away the baby with the bath water.
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