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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-14-2016, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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What is a Marriage meant to be?

I feel I'm in autopilot in my marriage. There are so many issues I would like advice on. Where do I start. I've had to put up with husband sending and receiving dirty pics on my wedding night. My wedding flowers were even in the pic he took of himself, him asking his cousins for pics, finding pics of yoyng girls on his phone, constantly he's looking at porn. There are so many more. We have a daughter and I'm only with him because I don't want her with only one parent around. Not fair on her. I just don't know what to do anymore.

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-14-2016, 04:57 PM
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Re: What is a Marriage meant to be?

Have you challenged him on this? Told him that it needs to stop? Was he doing all this before you married him?
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-14-2016, 06:12 PM
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Re: What is a Marriage meant to be?

@Blondie2607 if he really loves you, he should stop this.
Don't be afraid to give him an ultimatum, it's either you or the seedy girls in the pictures.
And I doubt he'd want to be married to them!

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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-14-2016, 06:34 PM
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Re: What is a Marriage meant to be?

OP,
What benefit is it exactly that you feel your daughter will experience from this man? How to treat women? What to look for in a H? How a man behaves in a marriage? How to be deceitful? Empathy? Please enlighten me as I am at a loss to discover it on my own.

Peace and long life
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-14-2016, 06:46 PM
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Re: What is a Marriage meant to be?

I just posted this in a thread where a wife is withholding intimacy from her husband. MOST of what I said applies to your post, WITH GENDERS REVERSED. In your case, you need to refuse to be dis-respected. I hope you get a wide range of answers here on TAM. It will allow you to pick and choose what will work best in your situation.

my post - After you get the 5 Love Languages book, explain to her that your top one is Physical, and that you will work to meet her needs.

HOWEVER, you REFUSE to simply be her beast of burden by contributing money to the marriage, and all the other things you do,.

Change your ring tone to be the Rolling Stones "Don't wanna be your beast of burden song"

Start working out, HARD. Get AC/DC, Ozzie Osborn, whatever gets you amped up. Play it loud in your car on the way to the gym. Think about all the sh!t your wife has put you thru on the way to the gym, When you get there, take your anger out on the weight machines. Do cardio, do a Stuart Smalley routine in front of the mirror and tell yourself you are gonna be the meanest lookin Mo----F----- in your town.

Ya know why I say this, I had 2 different counselors tell me that once I had laid out to my wife what I needed from our marriage. It was up to her to work on her issues. Working out & focusing on myself would help me get thru a few months without worrying about the relationship.

Then both counselors said this 'If she doesn't want to work on her issues, you will be in better shape mentally and physically to move on and find someone new"

After I lost 40 pounds and had been working out for 6 months, my wife asked why I was working out so much. I replied, "You said you weren't attracted to me. I wanna be with someone who wants to be with me, I hope that's you"

That sounds harsh, but there was a long pause then she said "ok".

My marriage is better than it has been in a loong time.

llaht, are you a christian? I ask this because of several areas I discussed with wife.

1Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6

Also, I was ready to file once my youngest graduated HS in a couple of years. But, after prayer, God showed me I should follow his word listed here -

15 “If your brother or sister[a] sins,[b] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[c] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

So I went to her and laid it out.

NOTHING will change until you reach the point where you end up screaming at YOURSELF in the mirror "WTF am I still doing in this relationship??" I DID.

Your wife knows what your needs are, yet she chooses to ignore them. One caveat - make sure you are meeting her needs, find out what they are from the 5 Love Languages book. Then when you have met hers, ask her, what needs haven't I met? Don't let them be a generic answer, pin her down to specifics.

This was actually my fortune cookie today - "Do not dwell on differences with a loved one - try to compromise"

If she doesn't want to compromise then she is saying "It's my way or the highway". At that point, ya might as well top off the tank & hit the road.

I take divorce very seriously. I don't recommend it very often. But as other posters have said, if the marriage is dead, move on.

I didn't rock the boat for as long as I did because I know of several couples where the xw made it almost impossible for the Dad to see the kids. My wife threatened me with a "You will be lucky to see them every other weekend". I'm a very stubborn person, I made sure I took my kids fishing, hunting, snowmobiling, baseball games, and pitched alot of batting practice to them. This was my choice. I loved being a dad, and "sucked it up" and lived without intimacy for long periods of time.

You need to make up your mind, cuz in the end. It will be you that lives with the outcome of your decisions, no one else.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Have you challenged him on this? Told him that it needs to stop? Was he doing all this before you married him?
Hi Diana7, yes we've spoken about it all many times but don't get anywhere. I first found out he was sending and receiving pics a few weeks before I married him. He promised he'd stop. I was stupid to think he'd stop as I was 6 months pregnant when we got married. Our wedding was all rushed as his family are Indian and don't believe in children before marriage. His family are so hard to get along with. I just feel so trapped
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 12:15 PM
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Re: What is a Marriage meant to be?

What is a Marriage meant to be?

Here are two books that I think will help you understand what a marital relationship is supposed to be like and how you get the respect you are supposed to be getting in your marriage. Read them in this order:

"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs"

Then, once you have read them and worked through your side of things, you need to have a sit down with him. Tell him that either he stops the nonsense and works with you to fix your relationship or you will divorce him.

If he says yes, then ask him to read the books and work through them with you.

If he says no, then hand him divorce papers. If you can afford to see a lawyer, have them draft the initial divorce paperwork. Otherwise, you can download papers off the internet and fill them in. Yes, this is worth divorcing over. These are not the final ones that you will file, but a precursor. You might want to line up a lawyer to

Do not use your daughter as an excuse to let your husband abuse you like this. You are not doing your daughter any favors staying with a man (even her dad) who treats you like this. Your daughter is learning from YOU that this is all she can expect in a marriage. She will marry a man like your husband or worse. Or you can teach your daughter that a strong woman does not put up with crap. And you can teach her that it's of for her to leave a bad situation.

Remember that if you give an ultimatum, you need to follow through. The sad thing is that most people either refuse to give ultimatums or give one and then do not follow through. Ultimatums need to be used very seldom and judiciously. Your husband is clearly happy in this marriage, he is still there after all. He probably just considers your complaints to be 'noise' that he can ignore. Why? Because he knows that you are not going anywhere. He can do anything he wants, He can hurt you, but you will just put up with it. In order to get him to change, you need to pull the rug out from under him. You need to let him know that you have boundaries and will not tolerate this porn and woman chasing that he does. The only way to do that is to let him know that you are serious... serious enough to divorce him.

Most of the time, when a man realizes that his wife is about to walk, he will wake up and start doing what is needed. There is more to what to do if he does start to change because you want to make sure that he does not just play along for a little while and then revert. But that means that you need to change too. You need boundaries and you need to consistently support your boundaries.
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