I don't know what to do - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 07:26 AM Thread Starter
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I don't know what to do

I met my wife 13 years ago and we will be married for 12 this October. We met right after I got out of a relationship with the mother of my oldest daughter. My daughter was 8 weeks old at the time. I was instantly attracted to my wife. She was beautiful, fun, family oriented, successful in her field - everything I wanted in a woman. She was attracted to me for every other reason but the physical attraction. She loved my humor, the way I treated her, and how I was with my daughter - which was important to her because she wanted kids. We dated and were married in 2004. I love her completely. I want to talk to her first thing in the morning, I think about her all day, I look forward to her at night, and she is truly the love of my life. We had 2 daughters of our in in 2006 and 2011. Throughout our marriage, however - the physical aspect has been lacking and I practically have to beg for sex. We only make love about 2 times a month.

Over the last year - she became attracted to a male co-worker. She told me about it and was honest in the beginning. She said she was nervous because he gave her butterflies and feelings inside that she knows she should have for her husband, but never has. She left her job in December and I thought it went away - but they continued to text. It turned flirty and she had conversations with him I never have with her - talk about sexual likes and dislikes, toys and 50 Shades. One day, she sent him a picture of herself in her bathing suit. She rain into him in the grocery store one day - and he kissed her. She kissed him back for a minute, then stopped. She says it's the only time it ever happened, it meant nothing because she recognized that there was no feelings there. About 10 days ago, she told him she was over him and not spending any more time wasted on him because she has a husband that worhsips her.

I believe her and I am slowly getting over it. I chalk it up to her just enjoying some attention from a source other than me, who she expects that attention from.

Here's the problem - we are in counseling - and she says she needs to wrap her head around a few issues and decide what she really wants. She knows it is not him, but she is not sure it is me. Her moods change so drastically that I don't know what to do. Friday, we made love - Monday she said she was 150% commited to making us great and getting past this - Thursday she says she is unhappy and usnure of what she wants.

I should mention she had a hysterectomy less than 2 years ago - and hormones may play a part in all this - but, the lack of physical attraction on her part predates that - and clearly lack of libido is not the issue if she is flirting and texting pictures with someone and kissing people.

I believe my wife loves our family - and I believe that she does love me. But with how drastic these mood swings are - what do I do until she gets through whatever it is she needs to? She hasn't left yet - and she hasn't asked me to leave, so I don't want to make any drastic decisions that I might not be able to undo later - but what I do in the meantime? I feel like I am walking on eggshells and can't be the husband I want to be while she goes through this because I don't know how she is feeling from one minute to the next.

Feedback from anyone who has "been there, done that" would be great. Thanks!

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 09:04 AM
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Re: I don't know what to do

You need to check your phone bill. If she is still in contact the affair (and that's what this was) continues. If they admit to a kiss it usually means sex so you may be dealing with a physical affair not just an emotional one.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 09:11 AM
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Re: I don't know what to do

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Originally Posted by Husband1978 View Post
Over the last year - she became attracted to a male co-worker. She told me about it and was honest in the beginning. She said she was nervous because he gave her butterflies and feelings inside that she knows she should have for her husband, but never has. She left her job in December and I thought it went away - but they continued to text. It turned flirty and she had conversations with him I never have with her - talk about sexual likes and dislikes, toys and 50 Shades. One day, she sent him a picture of herself in her bathing suit. She rain into him in the grocery store one day - and he kissed her. She kissed him back for a minute, then stopped. She says it's the only time it ever happened, it meant nothing because she recognized that there was no feelings there. About 10 days ago, she told him she was over him and not spending any more time wasted on him because she has a husband that worhsips her.

I believe her and I am slowly getting over it. I chalk it up to her just enjoying some attention from a source other than me, who she expects that attention from.

Here's the problem - we are in counseling - and she says she needs to wrap her head around a few issues and decide what she really wants. She knows it is not him, but she is not sure it is me. Her moods change so drastically that I don't know what to do. Friday, we made love - Monday she said she was 150% commited to making us great and getting past this - Thursday she says she is unhappy and usnure of what she wants.
This is at least a full blown emotional affair and probably physical.

Cheaters lie, hide and deny. As long as she's in this you are plan B.

I doubt you know fully what you're dealing with here. If the other man is married inform his wife. I suspect this is ongoing.

Better start digging. Say nothing and do not confront until you know and have proof.

Being in counseling while this is ongoing is worthless.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 05:30 PM
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Re: I don't know what to do

Husband 1978,

You've started down the right path. Stopping the affair. Going to counseling. Being willing to confront the issues. Good for you. It might not feel like it right now, but you've got a good start.

Your wife says she needs to, "wrap her head around a few issues." To me that sounds like she's trying to decide if she wants to stay with you or go through a divorce. Let's tilt this in your favor!

I think it's great that you adore your wife. Want to treat her like a princess. Here's the problem, though: If your wife wants to be the princess, you have to act like the prince, not the princess's servant.

The prince doesn't beg for sex. He initiates it when he feels like it and doesn't get all cranky and mopey if he's rejected. He either gets the princess in bed or he goes and does other princely things.

The prince doesn't put up with affairs, emotional or physical. If the princess wants to flirt with the commoners, her cell phone is deactivated. It happens again and she's not welcome in the castle.

The prince DOES adore the princess, bringing her gifts, and texting her loving (sometimes randy) messages. But the prince doesn't put up with her moodiness. She wants to cry or worry over nothing? She can come talk to the prince when she's rational again.

She fell in love with you once. You can make that happen again. Be the funny, charming, family man that you were when you met her. Add some princely attitude. Don't ask for sex. Initiate it. Stop if you get a hard "no", but recognize that "I'm tired" or "I'm not in the mood" isn't a "no."

Report back on how it turns out.

Max Lorenz
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 07:51 PM
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Re: I don't know what to do

Get your hands on a phone bill and go over it w/ a very fine-toothed comb.

Then come to a decision on how you want to proceed.

And I'll just ask -- for what reason(s) is she physically unattracted to you?
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 08:08 PM
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