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post #16 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

My wife and I are both dead set against tattoos as well so never had this issue but we had a similar one and I agree with everybody else, this is about agreed upon boundaries and respect.

In my case my wife wanted to get her nose pierced. I'm not one for weird piercings, tattoos or any of the other new trendy body modifications that seem to be the latest craze.

My wife told me her plan to get the new piercing and when I expressed my displeasure at it she tried using the same argument about it being her body and she can do with it as she pleases. I reminded her that yes it is her body and her nose but it is me that will be looking at the result of her decision and as it is something that I find very unattractive it would greatly affect how I viewed her.

in the end she understood my point and finally agreed that it would be no different than me going out and getting a big tattoo (which she finds offensive).

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post #17 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:22 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Andy, you told her it was a deal breaker. It isn't ridiculous to hold your ground on it. Some like them, some don't. She knew from the start how you feel about them. Personally, I have thought about getting one from time to time, but haven't found anything that would REALLY push me to get one. Even then, I would discuss with my husband, first. Sure, it's my body. But, I also ascribe to the notion of "two become one". I have equal say over his body, and he over mine.

Technically, you have no say over what she does. However, she knows the consequences of getting a tattoo. It isn't a good idea to continue in a relationship after she decided to go against something you agreed on, without discussing it with you, first... and staying because you love her son is not a good enough reason to marry.

I suspect you would have been a bit more supportive, had she presented it to you in a different manner, and if it wasn't such a large tattoo. Maybe, had it been a ribbon, or something small, as a remembrance, and if she had said, "I know we agreed on this, but I feel really strongly about this." And explained her reasons.

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post #18 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:23 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

It's not the tattoo that's the problem it's the fact that you guys discussed something,both agreed and now she is going against what she agreed to with you.
That's fine for something like a probably can get over that...but to me it says something about her character.
Is this going to happen with every decision you guys make together? With raising kids? Investments? Etc?
You guys need to talk , once you are both calm about what this really means.
Marriage and having kids (if you have them) means you need to be on the same page and always have each other's back.

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post #19 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I agree that you should reconsider marrying her. She's definitely showing you that her friends mean more to her than you do. If anything, she showed you up in front of her friends. I think tattoos are ugly and trashy. That she has them sends a negative vibe about her. Get out while you can. She's not going to be a good fit for you.

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post #20 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

It's really up to you if you want to spend your life trying to retrain her to be respectful. The issue here isn't the tattoo. It's the way she handled the whole thing. It's an indication of her personality.

Let's say for a moment you had hesitations about her child. Could you even fathom bringing up her dealbreaker in a public place in front of her friends? Probably not. You would likely discuss it with her in private and try to be as sympathetic as possible.

It would be totally different if she discussed this first with you in private and tried to come up with a workable compromise. I can understand how she might want a tattoo, but she should also want you to be okay with that decision or come up something you both agree to.

Her behavior of how she brought up the tattoo has given you an insight into how she'll try to manipulate you in the future. This won't be a quick, easy fix to change, and likely will never really be fixed. You'll just get better at dealing with her attempts at manipulation. A likely pattern is that if you bring it up now, she'll be on better behavior, but soon after the wedding she'll go back to old ways.
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post #21 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

She is normally very good natured but when she drinks too much she gets stubborn.This friend has numerous tattoos,most of them visible,she does not work and probably couldn't get a job anyway,she is very aggressive if she thinks she is being slighted.I have not spoken to my fiancée since Monday and it may be she is waiting for me to back down.We are supposed to be paying some of the wedding expenses on Saturday but I will break off the engagement if she has the tattoo.
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post #22 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:35 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Everyone is entitled to change their mind about something. Your girlfriend changed her mind about tattoos.

However, I do agree that she is putting having a tattoo over being with you, since the two of you were very clear with each other about tattoos before.

You have a right to not change your mind about tattoos, and break up with her if she follows through with getting one.

There really is nowhere she can put the tattoo that you won't see it. If she puts it on her ankle, it will be seen every time she isn't wearing socks or long pants. If she puts it where it is covered by a shirt or shorts, you will see it every time she is undressed.

Would you be OK with it if she puts it on the bottom of her foot? I doubt she would go for that anyway. She probably will want it to be somewhere she (and others) will see it.

(BTW, like you, I don't like tattoos either, along with facial piercings, and gauges.)
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post #23 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:40 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
she regrets saying it to me in front of her friends and she can't be seen to back down.
Sure she can back down. It may be uncomfortable, but it is easy to choose your soon to be spouse over your friends. She chose not to and then threw all the blame on you.
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post #24 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:44 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
We are supposed to be paying some of the wedding expenses on Saturday but I will break off the engagement if she has the tattoo.
You need to break off the engagement before you pay for any of the wedding on Saturday.

If she doesn't have the tattoo on Saturday, and you pay for some of the wedding expenses, she could then turn around and get the tattoo, thinking you are not going to back out of the wedding since you've already paid for some of it.

I'd suggest you not get reengaged until she agrees she will never, ever get a tattoo, since she knows you don't like them. If she wants a tattoo, then she needs to find a guy who likes them.

Plus, IMO it is bizarre that her friend is pressuring her to get a tattoo for her dad. The dad's passing is just an excuse for another tattoo for the friend, since she likes them and already has several, and it is a manipulative way to convince your fiance to get initiated with her first tattoo.
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post #25 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:02 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Why would anyone get a tattoo for someone else's bereavement.

Was your fiance very close to the person who passed awar?

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post #26 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:12 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

This is simple and has nothing to do with hating tattoos. You made a deal, she broke it. What else will she break and not back down regarding.

Honestly, don't even give her a chance to get out of this. Tell her she put you in an unfair situation, that you now have to deal with her breaking a promise to you AND deal with a tattoo, which you don't like. This was her choice and she had a myriad of chances to get out of it. If she is so stubborn that she won't back down because it will make her seem weak, then you will have problems in the future with her being "vulnerable" with you. This is a recipe for failure.
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post #27 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:16 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

OK, so I am going to take a different viewpoint here. OP, have you had other difficulties with your fiancee or would you consider this situation as a 1 off?

Look, if she goes ahead and gets the tattoo I think you have every right to call things off. If however she agrees not to, and overall your relationship has been healthy, I don't believe that should warrant ending things. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe in this case she pushed things, you held your ground, and you guys can move on.

* If she still gets tattoo - move on

* If she doesn't get tattoo, but issues like this (disrespect, ignoring boundaries) are constant in your relationship - seriously reconsider things

* If this was a 1 off, she genuinely made a mistake, wait till both of your heads have cleared and talk with her. Make it clear how you feel about boundaries agreed to, that this should have been discussed privately first, and you expect her to have your back (whether she agrees with you or not) when it comes to her friends. There is no reason under these circumstances this can't be used as a positive in your relationship.
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post #28 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:17 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I have nothing against tattoos..have Many myself, so does my wife. made a clear boundary. She is ignoring it. Allow this at your peril.
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post #29 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:18 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Try to work out a compromise. Is there a non permanent tattoo that would last, say 3 months, during which your F can honor this man, and still obey your rules? Call tattoo parlors and find out.

Can you engage her friend as an ally, to help her and your F agree to some other way to honor the man? You can tell GF that if she and your F get a tat, the marriage is off.

Have her put the tattoo near her privates. After a few years when the marriage becomes sexless, you won't have to look at it because IMO you are already headed in that direction or divorce, if you marry.
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post #30 of 1175 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:59 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

So, am I missing something?
Is a person who hates needles going to get 6 lines of poetry tattooed onto her body to prove how stubborn she is?
And is another person going to break an engagement to prove that he is even more stubborn?
Sounds like you have a negotiation problem.
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