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post #46 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 05:58 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Anyone who would get a tattoo to "teach you a lesson" is less than smart and too immature to get married. She actually deserves to live with her dumb choice. Her father doesn't sound much brighter TBH, he'd rather pay for her to have it removed than tell her she is being a stubborn child.

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post #47 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 05:59 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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Originally Posted by kristin2349 View Post
Anyone who would get a tattoo to "teach you a lesson" is less than smart and too immature to get married. She actually deserves to live with her dumb choice. Her father doesn't sound much brighter TBH, he'd rather pay for her to have it removed than tell her she is being a stubborn child.
I guess it runs in the family?

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post #48 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:00 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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That's another thing she has a 7 yo son..she needs to grow up before he does dont you think?


And this is my point.
The two of you agree upon how to discipline the son when you are married . He does something and all of a sudden she turns around and says nope. Changed my mind. I've decided to do this now. To h@&& with your opinion. Worse she says he's my son so I make the rules.
I don't know.
I would rethink and regroup.


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post #49 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:02 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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And this is my point.
The two of you agree upon how to discipline the son when you are married . He does something and all of a sudden she turns around and says nope. Changed my mind. I've decided to do this now. To h@&& with your opinion. Worse she says he's my son so I make the rules.
I don't know.
I would rethink and regroup.


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She sounds too immature to be a wife let alone a mother..and her BFF sounds like a complete jack@ss.....

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post #50 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:10 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

So this was a set up, but now it is more.

There is something I was writing that still needs to be said but in a new context.

In her current life as a single mother she needs a network of support. Her coworkers and he tattooed friend are important parts of that network. They feel a need to stand together. What they don't get, is that Andy is not the enemy. The only reason your Andy's fiance to get a tattoo is to show solidarity with the friends, against Andy. The friends are perfectly willing to throw Andy under the Bus to preserve their group.

She is using her old survival patterns in a situation that doesn't fit. If she doesn't stop and think, she will end up in the same old situation. Single mom with support group.
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post #51 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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Breaking off an engagement b/c of a tattoo, really? You don't own her body brother. Yes, there's the principle of it...but it all comes back to a tattoo, which is insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

If anything, I would suggest you ask her to sit on it for a few months, and if she still really wants to get one then, to go ahead and get it. She may just be in an emotional state right now and not thinking clearly and may regret her decision.
She doesn't really want the tattoo but she refuses to back down in front of her employees and friends
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post #52 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:14 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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So this was a set up, but now it is more.



There is something I was writing that still needs to be said but in a new context.



In her current life as a single mother she needs a network of support. Her coworkers and he tattooed friend are important parts of that network. They feel a need to stand together. What they don't get, is that Andy is not the enemy. The only reason your Andy's fiance to get a tattoo is to show solidarity with the friends, against Andy. The friends are perfectly willing to throw Andy under the Bus to preserve their group.



She is using her old survival patterns in a situation that doesn't fit. If she doesn't stop and think, she will end up in the same old situation. Single mom with support group.


Yes.
Exactly.
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post #53 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:31 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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She doesn't really want the tattoo but she refuses to back down in front of her employees and friends
Well, here you go, here is the big test, and as I said before, maybe it is good to get this test out of the way now vs after you are married. You two have agreed on boundaries, she wants to break those boundaries. If she truly values you and your eventual marriage, she will not do something to spite you, and especially not do something because she doesn't want to look bad in front of her friends. This could literally be the dumbest thing I have heard in a while, wanting to make a lifetime commitment to marry your supposed love, but caring more about what everyone else around you thinks
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post #54 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:32 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

So I don't necessarily disagree with much of the advice you've received so far, but...

Someone who won't marry another person because of a tattoo seems extraordinarily rigid to me. As the saying goes, pick the hill you want to die on. Is this it? I don't think it's unreasonable to evaluate our prejudices from time to time to evaluate their real importance.

I remember telling my wife at 22 to take me out in the back yard and shoot me if I ever drove a mini-van. Well, after two kids, you know the drill. And (damn it) it was a good vehicle.
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post #55 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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So I don't necessarily disagree with much of the advice you've received so far, but...

Someone who won't marry another person because of a tattoo seems extraordinarily rigid to me. As the saying goes, pick the hill you want to die on. Is this it? I don't think it's unreasonable to evaluate our prejudices from time to time to evaluate their real importance.

I remember telling my wife at 22 to take me out in the back yard and shoot me if I ever drove a mini-van. Well, after two kids, you know the drill. And (damn it) it was a good vehicle.
That is good advice,but at this stage I just feel like calling the whole thing off.Im starting to remember all the things I backed down on and I think I've been a fool

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post #56 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:43 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
Well, here you go, here is the big test, and as I said before, maybe it is good to get this test out of the way now vs after you are married. You two have agreed on boundaries, she wants to break those boundaries. If she truly values you and your eventual marriage, she will not do something to spite you, and especially not do something because she doesn't want to look bad in front of her friends. This could literally be the dumbest thing I have heard in a while, wanting to make a lifetime commitment to marry your supposed love, but caring more about what everyone else around you thinks
Exactly...she gives in to peer pressure like a teenager...she has a lot of growing up to do...I dont say break it off but postponingthe wedding seems like a good start to resolving it...

Its not about the tattoo its about her willfully breaking an agreed upon boundary becuase her friends laughed at her...will she do the same with her vows if her friends pressure her to break those?

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post #57 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:44 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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I think she regrets saying it to me in front of her friends and she can't be seen to back down.
Then YOU cannot be seen....coming back....up or down.

Let her know that you are still upset about this.

If you hold your ground...as does an Oak Tree in a Tempest, her love will allow her to bend.

I may be wrong....I do not think so.

Plant your flag only in worthy ground.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #58 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:56 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

OP,
I have not read all of the responses so forgive any redundancy but this is not about tattoos at all. This is a personality trait that you must be willing to accept if you marry her. She is choosing supporting her friend over her future H. She is showing no regard for the value of her word and her honor. She is setting precedent regarding how important it is to her to be perceived by her friends as the most powerful in the relationship and in life in general I suspect. She is showing a significant lack of concern for your wishes.

Consider theses traits carefully because they will intensify dramatically after marriage. Marry her at your own peril unless you have enjoyed your life as of late.

Peace and long life
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post #59 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 07:08 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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That is good advice,but at this stage I just feel like calling the whole thing off.Im starting to remember all the things I backed down on and I think I've been a fool
I won't call you a fool, don't worry. But, this is telling. I think she believes you will back down on this, as you did on other things. Now, you can if you want to, but if you do, it will be continuing the precedent you already set... she wants something, you give in. You say no, she pushes, you give in. Is this how you want your marriage to work?


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post #60 of 1215 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 07:32 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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Her sister has told me that the whole thing stems from a group of my fiancées friends and some employees talking about what their partners opinion on their hairstyles,clothes etc really mattered.My fiancée let slip about my aversion to tattoos ans some of them suggested getting a temporary tattoo and surprise me in bed with it.
However her tattooed friend told her she was a doormat and suggested the two of them get tattoos in memory of her father and to teach me a lesson.This is advice from a woman who has never had a relationship last more than a month.My fiancée just laughed but when she got a few drinks she said it to me and I hit the roof.Now she is unwilling to lose face in front of her employees and friends and has asked her sister to plead with me to let it go.I am expected to look at this tattoo for the rest of my life because she "can't lose face".Her father rung me and said if she gets the tattoo he will pay to have it removed after the wedding.They just don't get it,it's ok for me to look like an idiot but she can't be seen to back down.
Well, this backstory changes my opinion. Cancel the wedding and move on. The "teach me a lesson" would be a deal-breaker, especially BEFORE the wedding when both partners are expected to be at their absolute best.
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