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post #61 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 08:49 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

What are "all the other things that you backed down on" that made you now feel like a fool?

This is starting to reveal a pervasive pattern in her personality.

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post #62 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:25 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

If it is actually a deal breaker dump her immediately, otherwise stop pontificating pointlessly.
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post #63 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:55 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Brother, you should break this engagement and walk away while you still can. She has no respect for you. She agreed that she would never do this thing, but with a little pressure from her friends she is going to teach you a lesson and do it. And she is using the pressure of her friends, sister, and father to make you buckle to her need to look big in front of her friends. So her friends are her priority here, not you! Think about that.

At this point it doesn't even matter if she begrudgingly agrees not to get the tattoo, the damage has been done and her true colors are clear to see. You are not the first priority in her life, hell your second or third behind her friends and support group. Go find a girl that will put you first, and honor her vows and promises to you.
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post #64 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:15 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

ok, you hate tattoos so you demand she not get one. she wants one and you say the wedding is off if she does. That attitude will never lead to a successful marriage, you two have to learn to compromise with each other in a way that no one wins nor loses.

It is her body, her choice. Just as it is your choice to look at it or not. What you must decide is if your aversion to tats is more meaningful to you than being with her and her child.
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post #65 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:27 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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Originally Posted by happy2gether View Post
ok, you hate tattoos so you demand she not get one. she wants one and you say the wedding is off if she does. That attitude will never lead to a successful marriage, you two have to learn to compromise with each other in a way that no one wins nor loses.

It is her body, her choice. Just as it is your choice to look at it or not. What you must decide is if your aversion to tats is more meaningful to you than being with her and her child.
I guess you missed the part where they AGREED on this? That she KNEW all along how he feels about them? It absolutely is her body and her choice to make. However that is not the issue. They AGREED on this, and NOW she is saying this because her friends got her to agree to it. He absolutely has every right to get pissed off that she cares so little about their relationship that saving face with her FRIENDS is more important than honoring the AGREEMENT she had with Andy. It isn't about the tattoo, itself. It's about her blatant disregard for him.

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post #66 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:32 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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ok, you hate tattoos so you demand she not get one. she wants one and you say the wedding is off if she does. That attitude will never lead to a successful marriage, you two have to learn to compromise with each other in a way that no one wins nor loses.

It is her body, her choice. Just as it is your choice to look at it or not. What you must decide is if your aversion to tats is more meaningful to you than being with her and her child.
Just my opinion, but I believe the disappointment is not about the tatoo, it's about the disrespect, lack of empathy, and immature attitude she has shown her fiancé. The tatoo of some kind of written nonsense about a friend's dad??? On HER body forever? That's just highly immature. Ridiculing him and allowing her friends to gang up on him about something he asked to speak about in private? What kind of company dies she keep? That also speaks volumes about her.

Her friends are low character people, and so is she.
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post #67 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:33 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

If you really think this is about the tattoo... pre-marital counseling is recommended before any further decisions.

Put the work in up front so the seeds of resentment are weeded giving the other positives a chance to flourish.

The wrong friends will have to fall away though or you can count on this tumultuous pattern repeating, the company one keeps does tell. That her friend would set her up for such failure is not trivial.

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post #68 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:40 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Looks like @Evinrude58 and I are on the same track about the company one keeps... they will forever be destructive while they remain acquaintances.

Her ability to be influenced is another concern...
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post #69 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:42 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

so you are saying that no one is ever allowed to change their mind? I agree that since they had discussed it previously she should have told him that she was thinking about getting one, but regardless he does not own her and cannot control her. just as she should not do things that she knows will disgust him.


to me this small issue has shown early on that they are not ready for marriage. if they do work thru this we will see something in a few months about how she left him for being controlling, or she always does what she wants regardless of what he says.
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post #70 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:46 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

@happy2gether - she didn't simply change her mind - she is giving in to peer pressure from a toxic friend who said she was a doormat for agreeing to this particular boundary - to give in to peer pressure from toxic friends on a boundary your fiance said was a deal breaker and YOU agreed to abide by is a red flag - SHE is not ready for marriage...whats scary is that she is already a parent...


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post #71 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:55 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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to me this small issue has shown early on that they are not ready for marriage. if they do work thru this we will see something in a few months about how she left him for being controlling, or she always does what she wants regardless of what he says.
Perhaps, but I cannot see respect being fickle, it must be loyal or it simply isn't present.
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post #72 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 11:11 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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Originally Posted by happy2gether View Post
ok, you hate tattoos so you demand she not get one. she wants one and you say the wedding is off if she does. That attitude will never lead to a successful marriage, you two have to learn to compromise with each other in a way that no one wins nor loses.

It is her body, her choice. Just as it is your choice to look at it or not. What you must decide is if your aversion to tats is more meaningful to you than being with her and her child.
Wrong read on the op's post. They were discussing (that's good) deal breakers before getting married. She had hers and he agreed. He had his and she agreed. The she breaks the deal and in front of friends, belittles him.

He may not control her but he can control what he'll put up with. And live with...like being disrespected and manipulated. As for not looking at the tat. He will see it every day for the rest of the marriage as well as the experience of being shoved aside and into a corner.

Run from this train wreck OP.
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post #73 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 11:16 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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so you are saying that no one is ever allowed to change their mind? I agree that since they had discussed it previously she should have told him that she was thinking about getting one, but regardless he does not own her and cannot control her. just as she should not do things that she knows will disgust him.


to me this small issue has shown early on that they are not ready for marriage. if they do work thru this we will see something in a few months about how she left him for being controlling, or she always does what she wants regardless of what he says.
Absolutely not! Of course anyone is free to change his or her mind. But that isn't what's going on here. The problem is that they agreed on this. Rather than discussing with Andy that she feels strongly about getting this tattoo, and giving her reasons, she gave into the peer pressure of her toxic friends. This isn't even the first time this has happened, either (per one of Andy's replies in this thread). So, there is a precedent. So... when does he say, "That's enough"? When does he get to decide that a deal breaker is, indeed, a deal breaker?

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post #74 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 11:19 PM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

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Absolutely not! Of course anyone is free to change his or her mind. But that isn't what's going on here. The problem is that they agreed on this. Rather than discussing with Andy that she feels strongly about getting this tattoo, and giving her reasons, she gave into the peer pressure of her toxic friends. This isn't even the first time this has happened, either (per one of Andy's replies in this thread). So, there is a precedent. So... when does he say, "That's enough"? When does he get to decide that a deal breaker is, indeed, a deal breaker?

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Agreed....the situation sounds toxic as is and needs to change..there can be no wedding as things stand now...because it will only get worse once the wedding rings are on

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post #75 of 979 (permalink) Old 06-30-2016, 12:18 AM
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Hello Andy1001

I too have been a man who won't have a "serious" relationship with a women with tattoos. It was a rulebreaker for me as well. I can admire the art and such when its done well, but not the future mother of my future children. Almost 6 years ago, I meet my wife and she came with tattoos on her arms and legs - not covered to look like sleaves and pants. When we got serious, I had to ignore them. But for the most part - her future tattoo days are over, except for one on the leg to complete "the set". Many of her friends have tats, many of my friends have tats, as do some of my favorite actors, musicians, etc. So since we've been together, had a child and going through ups and major downs, I do not really think anything of her tats usually. Not even when we're having sex. At most, when she's wearing a nice dress and tats kind of detract from the overall look.

I'm from the infidelity side of TAM, but your post showed up on the side. You have gotten some good advice from some of the users here (we may not ALL agree on things, doesn't mean respect is not given) Truthseeker1 & NoChoice are at least two posters I've seen given great advice to others, as well as to me. I tell you this for a reason.

She had cheated on me and broke up our family with a youngster with lots of tattoos. Tats didn't make him a jerk, but its part of his appeal. Anyways, she wanted to know if we could work things out almost two months ago. I had be learning to cope and how to deal with my "controlling" co-dependency behaviors. (Whatever I did, was no excuse for her actions, thou). But what I was learning about myself was being controlling towards my wife in unhealthy ways - this was BEFORE she called me about "working things out".

It was a Wed night when we spent 5 hours talking. She asked me for a ride to get tattoos that Friday as it was originally supposed to be her "affair partner". I said yes and she canceled him out the next day.
Come Friday morning, we were chatting over the phone and she asks "would you get a tattoo?". I laugh, and quickly response "I had already decided to get one very early that morning anyway" (think 3am).

Its 9pm that Friday night date, we're outside the tat shop talking on a bench as we wait. I told her it was wrong for me to be imposing my rules on her that way after all these years. She talked and showed me many other tattoos she was planning on getting since we "broke up" since she was free of me. I made comments on what I thought was good, even made suggestions of using one pattern with the color of another, which we both agreed would look even better. She brings up getting a chest tat which would cover half of her breasts which I was upfront "NOT GOOD WITH". We talked about it, compromised that made us both happy. Her neck and frontal body will be clear. She got hers, then I got my very first tat - that matched hers by style and location. She got her 2nd one that night with artwork we both did years before. And I said "I'll get a second one too". It was art I choose which meant something to me, spur of the moment. First one hurt, because of the location. We were both laughing as I got my first tattoos in my 46 years of life. We were not drinking or drugs, just so you know.

I tell you this because people change. I wouldn't have dated a woman with a tat in my 20s. In my 30s, didn't matter with NSA sex.

With that said, I support your stance that SHE respects the agreement the both of your HAD when you first dated. She is doing it out of peer pressure and the fact you had to back down on other things seems very disrespectful and immature to you as her future life partner.

Her FRIEND should support HER agreement she made with you. Why the hell should she ask your fiancée to put on a tattoo about her dad? Her friend is selfish. Your fiancée can lose face with you or her employees and friends. Her simple out is “well guys, I was drunk and forgot that Andy and I agreed to being tat free”.
Seems like you’ll always be an enemy to her friend – these things happen.

So let her get that foolish tat, and every time she looks at it, she’ll remember what it costs her.

Seems there are other problems than just this one thing. Seems like you already decided to place on hold or cancel the wedding. You need to hold her to her word. This is about respecting each other.
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