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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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Background story of my problem

Background: Been married to what I thought was a loving, trusting wife for soon to be 12 years, together for 14 years. Early on, she made comments on how she hated commitment, always thought she would never marry, told of stories of different short term boyfriends that she essentially had no feelings for. When we started dating, her friends would comment on how happy she was and she never acted like this with any other guy. So, I thought was great, I am different, she really likes me. So, we continued to date then eventually marry. Pre-kids were did a lot together. Golfing, biking, hiking, walks, TV, talk, .... Once kids came our together activities decreased. Physical relationship was always an issue. She never initiated anything. At first, I did not notice because it never dawned on me how little she did because I did and she never shied away. Then, slowly over time I realized she never initiated sex, or even light touch/sexy kissing. She would periodically sneak into the shower or rollover in the morning and rub my back or cuddle. That has gone away. Our sex life is 1-2 times per week, not because she wants to but because she knows I like it. It is great sex too. If I wasn't interested in sex she would be perfectly fine without it. We rarely have fights and if we do it is because I am upset with how little affection/physical she shows or does. I like physical signs of love, words have no meaning to me. I grew up without physical love, only words and those people who said they loved me, screwed me over. So, I feel that if you truly love someone, then it should be no problem to show them affection or physical attraction. So, I did often question he amount of love for me when she was unable to show affection on her own. I would often walk by her, rub her back, sneak a nice kiss, rub her butt, hug her, ... Rarely will she do that and only when I point it out will she do that for a few weeks and then go back to her affection-less self. This, of course, causes tension in the house. She states she always worries about it and it is constantly on her mind. My thought is, if that is true then you would be more cognizant to do those things. If I knew of an issue she had with me and it affected our marriage, I would be going over board to fix it. Not her.

She is also known for her inability to lie. She tells people " Oh, I can't lie, it's written all over my face"

So, with all of that, I often question her love. And recently (last 1-2 years) I have definitely questioned it....

(I will keep this a short as possible because it does occur over a 2 year period)

Two years ago (2014) she befriended our daughters teacher, a divorced male with two kids. At the time it sounded like nothing, they would meet at a local park with each other's kids and hang out, sometimes with other moms or teachers. This happened a few times that summer. Wife also invited him and his kids to swim at our house. Now, all but one of these times I was not present. But, each time she did tell me that they met or were meeting. She hid nothing. I had a minor issue with it but nothing to worry over. This was her only male friend who she meets up with, so I did question it slightly. Over that winter, no contact at all. So, to me it was just what she said it was...getting kids together to play.

Last May (2015), following my wife's high school reunion, a friend texted her "Did you make the connection?". Now, I was standing over my wife when this text came through. I asked what that meant and she said she did not know. Her reply was " What connection?" Her friends reply The LinkedIn connection" This was very specific and she should know what that meant. So, I asked her and she denied knowing anything. Then she side texted to keep me from reading and then turned the phone upside down so I couldn't read her friends reply. Very odd behavior for her. She always kept her phone out, never hid it and I never looked. She nor I ever felt weird about grabbing the others phone to use. That night I checked my wife's phone...she deleted ALL of her texts. So, I pulled up her laptop and looked in her browser history...LinkedIn...Ex boyfriend profile. Bam!!! WTF??? Prior to this, to my knowledge, she never lied to me nor did I ever read her texts. I trusted her. I confronted her the next day and she said she was trying to connect with her ex just to talk because she saw him a week prior at a race and she ignored him and she felt bad. She wanted to just catch up. It has been 13 years she they broke up. If this was true, what she wanted to do was harmless but she chose to hide it and lie to me. She said she lied because she thought I would be pissed and to protect me.

Now, not too soon after this (last summer), my son says they went to the park and met the teacher and his kids there. Wife never mentioned it, even when I prodded about her day. When I told her I knew, she blew it off like it was no big deal. She was defensive. Ok...so now my radar is pinging. A recent lie and now hiding who she meets with. A few weeks later, the same thing happened. I read her texts and she invited him. She blew off my annoyance. I stood my ground stating no single guy should be hanging out with a married woman and why was she hiding it from me. Of course her reply back was of me not trusting her. That was somewhat true but I also did not trust him. Now, I never said stop, but the anger I showed and the fact I said I think it is wrong would send a message to stop. Nope, it happened again. Now she was deleting their texts. This time I told her to stop all contact. She said she would...only after a long fight and great reluctance. She kept saying it was innocent. I told her what it looked like and I asked if she liked him. Denied it all. She kept stating they were just friends and there was nothing going on. He was supposedly to have a girlfriend but she was never mentioned in any texts or ever came along to the park.

During and after this, I checked her texts. She stopped for a while, but one reached out to the other and they continued. We are now in the fall/winter when the park is closed. And unlike last winter when they stopped texting, this winter they continued. Now, there was nothing disturbing in these texts but part of me could read some flurtiness to them. The big concern was she deleted every text...for four months. I let it go until this Jan. when over a week span each invited the other, kids too, to go to an indoor kids place. This started another fight....everything she was doing made it look like she was emotionally involved with this guy. I called her out on it...of course she denied. Adamant there was nothing going on and I was being ridiculous (she used this word often). I told her all the clues made it look like it and I am suppose to believe her after the lying and deceit she showed. She still denied but never showed any remorse or even apologized. To me it looked like she was more concerned about his feelings than mine. I told her if she didn't tell him to stop, I would. She said she did, only she made up some stupid excuse and never told him why.

It's been months since this last talk and I am having trouble regaining trust in her. The biggest reason is she has shown no empathy which tells me she does not really care.

That's where I am at. She tells me she loves me, gives me a peck when she leaves or comes home or before bed. She still cannot show the affection I ask for and desire. Her words have no meaning to me.

As I have issues I will either post back here or create a new post and link to it from here.

Thanks for listening.

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 09:34 AM
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Re: Background story of my problem

Her actions and her words are not saying the same thing. Pay attention to her actions and ignore the words. Your gut is on to something. Stop confronting, and keep your eyes and ears open.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 09:39 AM
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Re: Background story of my problem

There's a saying... Is the fcking you're getting worth the fcking you're taking?

I'm not sure if it is worth it in your case. It wasn't in mine, and I went the divorce route.

You two need to get into some counseling and figure out what's going on. On my end, it sounds like she isn't in love with you but doesn't have the heart to tell you.

You need to look closely to her cell phone bill. See who's she's texting/calling and how much. Second, get a voice recorder (VAR), and put it in her car. Time to see what she's up to, because it isn't you.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 10:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Background story of my problem

It is her action that I am looking at. Her wors have proven not to be true.

I have done all the snooping. What you read is all I got. She has phone conversations when shes at work with her girl friend from above so there would be no way to snoop on those. Of all the evidence I have, nothing points to a mutual relationship. They have never met alone. From what I gather, he may find her attractive but has not acted. She may be attracted to him but has never acted or expressed it.

My feeling is she is not in love with me or if she is it is very little. She found him to meet some need that I was not meeting (and none that she ever expressed to me). She is not a sexual or a physical person, so for her to have sex once a week, even if she is only doing it to make me happy tells me she has some spark for us. I cannot imagine she would have amazing sex with me if she felt nothing for me at all. But then again, she has proven me wrong before.

I thought we could work through this issue without counseling but I think that is the next step.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 11:09 PM
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Re: Background story of my problem

If there was nothing to hide. She would not delete texts and lie to you. This is reality.

Stop talking to her about it...at all. Not one word. If you want counseling...tell her you are going...for yourself. Which you need. You need help to figure out why you didnt tell her no...in the beginning. That is important.

Odds are very high that she is either looking very hard for a new guy...sorry to say it...but you know it yourself...ignoring your reality got you here. Stop it.

Once you have seen a counselor, they will be able to advise you on how to demand marriage counseling...if you even want it at that point. If you do...it will have to be demanded with divorce paperwork completed in one hand and the appointment card for the marriage counselor in the other.

She has pushed, ignored, lied, minimized and thouroughly disrespected you and your family. Only the hard line will begin to earn back some respect.....Fail to act and follow through on your promises...will be the end.

There is a whole thread on gathering evidence...not that you need anymore unless you just enjoy the pain.

Take care of you. You can only control you..which means You control what you will accept and what you wont.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 11:11 PM
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Re: Background story of my problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by highgear View Post
It is her action that I am looking at. Her wors have proven not to be true.

I have done all the snooping. What you read is all I got. She has phone conversations when shes at work with her girl friend from above so there would be no way to snoop on those. Of all the evidence I have, nothing points to a mutual relationship. They have never met alone. From what I gather, he may find her attractive but has not acted. She may be attracted to him but has never acted or expressed it.

My feeling is she is not in love with me or if she is it is very little. She found him to meet some need that I was not meeting (and none that she ever expressed to me). She is not a sexual or a physical person, so for her to have sex once a week, even if she is only doing it to make me happy tells me she has some spark for us. I cannot imagine she would have amazing sex with me if she felt nothing for me at all. But then again, she has proven me wrong before.

I thought we could work through this issue without counseling but I think that is the next step.
They met.alone. it happened. Stop ignorning it. Stop apologizing for her.
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Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
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